WW left 3 months ago. Exposed tons to work and all friends and family. Used Plan B to best of my ability. Used 3rd party. I have been pretty aggressive as I found out WW and OM are in a bachelor suite. Sent her all of her belongings. She has been picking up boxes I have packed and left on driveway. Also was about to send all her furniture as I can replace. She threatened legal action last Tues. Moved it into storage anyway.
All of her emails to third party esculate into war between them. 3rd party no longer willing to be in between. WW has been emailing me direct which I ignore.
WW broke into house this Tues. Picked up some stuff but left a note saying if we wanted to attempt to reconcile we had to communicate directly. Also said she was sorry and that she loved me. Today she is backpedalling and says that I may have hurt her too much with my actions over the past couple months. She has agreed to talk with Steve. Whether she does or not who knows.
Just looking for some advice. Friends say she is looking for contact with me. Or Plan B.

What do you want to do?

Agree with Walking: what do you want to do? If you want to hurt her and make her feel your pain, then you appear to be doing a good job. But if you want one day to reconcile and have Love, then you may be going too far and might sabotage any chances of Plan B working.

Was the house acquired during the marriage? Even if her name is not on the deed, she still might have legal rights in your State, and she might be lawfully entitled to enter the premises and get her stuff. *(unless you have some kind of tight prenup). You should consider meeting with a formal mediator (find such a person in the phone book), or a paid third party to help you communicate. If your marriage goes to a divorce judge, she may take issue with your boxing up your WW's possessions, and give your WW and her OM the house out of principle. ("Oh, he was boxing up your stuff, was he??? And placing it on the driveway?? The judge may say "Well perhaps you, Mrs. Victim, can keep the house and you, Mr. Mean Man, can go live somewhere else - and by the way, you can take your stuff from the bottom of the driveway". [TAP! TAP! GAVEL SOUND] CASE RESOLVED.

Look, there can be some strategic value in you being more civil with your WW. Spiteful acting out in the name of MB "Plan B" will likley bring you more, not less pain. Keep your cards close to your chest and don't use anonymous internet sites like MB to replace sound legal advice. We aren't meant to replace legal advice or strategy.

-Bother

I do not want legal advise. I have enough of that already.
I started this with an attempt to reconcile. She uses every excuse in the book to blame me for everything. Maybe I am to blame for some of the marital problems but I will not accept that it was bad enough for her to have affair and move out.
Why would I want all her personal possessions in the house. She should have a use for them. It should be up to her to use/dispose of them. I did not do this out of "spite". I did it to prepare for the eventuality that she was not coming back.

You need to have NC in place, concede to R (if that is what you want) with contingencies in place. You can move into plan A with the NC and deal with the withdrawls from her. Most likely she is seeing the reality and he is F@$%ing up not meeting EN that you required him to meet once she moved out.

Have you made your conditions clear for accepting her back into your life? Typically, these boil down to two things:
1. No contact with the other person for life.
2. Commitment to a marital recovery plan.

If she can commit to those two things, then she's welcome to talk with you personally about recovering your marriage together. Plan a date, make it a nice dinner with some wine and candlelight, keep it pleasant and light with no other relationship talk.

Otherwise sit tight, locate a new intermediary, and proceed with your Plan B as expected. The goal of Plan B is to preserve your love for her and be blissfully unaware of the tremendous amount of drama in her life until she either leaves the other person or you're ready for her to leave you. Until she's willing to commit to those two non-negotiable items, you need to enforce your boundaries.

If your previous intermediary got into fights with your WW, he/she is not doing the job right. He/she should only relay important information, not get into value judgments or relay feelings.

Just,

""Picked up some stuff but left a note saying if we wanted to attempt to reconcile we had to communicate directly. Also said she was sorry and that she loved me.""

Plan B requires a PLAN B LETTER which lays out the steps she must take to begin communication again. Plan B is to help you avoid the drama and heartache that comes with speaking with the fogged out wayward alien being that was once your wife.

If you did a good plan B letter and gave it to her, then your response to her (by email or through this or another 3rd party) is to "please re-read my plan B letter".

If you did not give her a plan B letter you must do so if you are going to follow the Plan B path.

IMHO

kirk

Agree with Krusht. Did you send a Plan B letter?
If so, did it describe the path back home?
Was it a love letter?

If so, send her note back along with a copy of your Plan B letter and get a new intermediary.

I wouldn't worry about "being mean" and losing the house. WW has abandoned the marriage. That's how a judge will look at it. You're not keeping WW from her stuff, you're making it available to her and preserving your own sanity.

Turtle,

""If so, did it describe the path back home?""

Very nicely put, I like it.

Yes I did send Plan B letter. Had a few people read it to make sure it was ok. Message got back to me from WW that the letter was the end of our marriage. I think it really mad her angry that she had to go through a IM as she always needed control. Oh and another funny one is WW thinks I am having an affair with IM. Yes the letter and my earlier emails pointed the way back home. NC. Quit your job (they work together - he is her boss). Marriage Recovery Plan.

I agree with bother - I am attempting to be civil. Civil does not mean jumping through hoops for her. I am setting down what I want and she is kicking, screaming, fighting and blaming all the way. Too bad.

Anyhow found out she just started anti anxiety drugs and is going to councelling which may be a good thing.

Was the letter posted here? Did you post before this week under a different name?

A lot of your story is missing and it is hard to give advice with just a fraction of the whole picture.

Did you expose the affair to HIS boss? In most companies, you will get fired for having an affair with someone who reports to you. In fact, you could get into legal trouble.

Ooooooooo

Take a copy of that note (written by WW)
attach it to a new note written by you:

"WW,
I appreciate the offer of reconciliation.
If you are sincere, this is what I will require.
You call this number (Harley's phone number to arrange counseling) and after you have done 2 sessions yourself, I will be more than willing to consider marriage recovery with you once you have removed OM from your life forever.
I love you back."

The best part, sent it to OM's house, addressed to WW and OM both. He should see her note to you.

Sugar Cane - here is the letter.
"if you want me to endd my affair and return to you and work on rebuilding our marriage then you and I need to talk and determine if it is possible. If you want to try then call me. If you choose not to then I will take that as it is too late and it is over between us. I think this is why you have chosen not to talke to me when I have askedd you but I want to make sure I am not mistaken. I am sorry that I have hurt you. I still love you."

Catperson - yes exposed to everyone including President.
Nothing really happened at the company level.

Pepperband - I like the idea of sending it addressed to both of them. She emailed me and said she had booked an appt. with Steve for this week but "have mixed feelings" about it. Should I wait a bit before sending the letter back to WW/OM. As I posted earlier she blames all my actions for keeping here away. Also I do not have their address so I will have to address it seperately to their work address.

I may be wrong, but I think if you don't stand firm and say end the affair first, before we talk, then you will lose any leverage and she will not end the affair.