Really don't know how to explain this, but need a gut check to make sure I'm not over-reacting/being unfair......

Because of past experiences, I am learning to listen closely to what a man says on the first few dates keeping my ears open for red flags. Two prior men I dated gave me pretty strong indications very early on that they weren't right for me but I ignored the signs. If I had listened to my gut and paid attention to the red flags instead of ignoring them, I could have saved myself some wasted time and a few tears. So, here's my dilemma...

I have now been on two dates with what seems to be a very nice man who seems to have his act together professionally, financially and personally.....with two exceptions that have me wondering whether I am over-reacting because of my past experiences or whether I should just not accept any more dates with this gentleman.

First issue is that he has been divorced twice. His first marriage lasted 20 years and ended because his wife cheated on him. He does take responsibility for his part in the marriage failure and can readily identify what he didn't do to meet his wife's emotional needs (working all hours to support the family, while spending little quality time with wife). His second marriage lasted two years and he says they are good friends but should really never have married because they could not live together as a couple. Deal breaker or not?

The second issue is that he has 4 children from his first marriage. Two are older (late teens early twenties), but the other two are 8 and 11. When he and their mother divorced, he made the conscious effort to secure a job here in the States, while his XW and children live overseas. I am having a really hard time with this particular issue as I just can't imagine a parent deliberately moving far away from their children. He says that his XH married her affair partner not long after they divorced and his children live with his XH and her affair partner husband. He pays more support than is required of him and talks to them regularly, but I am just having a really hard time with this long-distance father thing. Deal breaker?

Would greatly appreciate any and all thoughts you have on this.

yes, deal breaker

check out the volume dating article.

wiftty

First one wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me. The second one is iffy UNLESS being in the USA was highly important to the kids financially and the end game is to have the children move to the states if and when they can.

He came to the States because he wanted to be as far away from his WXW as possible and he knew his children would be living with her and her Affair partner husband. Also, the education system, here, is much different from his country of origin. In fact, one of his older children came to live with him for a while but found the education system here too different. He says he supports them, financially, above and beyond what he is required to pay.

WRT volume dating, I call it multi-dating and it is what I have been doing for a while. Only rule for me is if I see a red flag, they get dropped off the dance card. I asked the question I did because my thought was to drop him from the dance card, but was told by a friend that I was being too harsh/over-reacting.

TJ. Glad to see you back, GG. ;-)

I would keep my spidy senses up on this one but not go as far to cross him off the list just yet. With the divorce occuring in another country, who knows what the divorce laws / customs are. THe guy may have been railroaded by the affair partner and is just keeping you in the dark to avoid unnecessary drama until he feels the relationship is serious enough to warrent more disclosure.

or, with no visible family members in this country, a ruse. .

BTW, my parents had to go to court more than once against "next door neighbors" of his sister, 95 yo,

to stop the next door neighbor of stealing, trying to convince her that her brother was trying to steal from her, from a had drawn fake will turning over her estate in trust to the good neighbor, after the estate had been fully dispursed, going to court again because the good neighbor said to the judge, as his own lawyer, that he promised my dad's dead sister, that he would try to get all the money back from my dad. . .

"invisible family members abroad?"

red flag

I would NEVER date a man who abandoned his children so effectively. That is selfishness to the core.

You are not over reacting, nor are you overly picky.

IMHO

Your friend wants to see you with a guy and probably doesn't really care which one.
You have to listen to your gut, and decide what values are important to you.
I think you are saying family values are important. I don't know if you have kids or want to have kids, but you may be correct in saying "I don't want to be with a man who could leave his kids" because that would be a man who could move away from "our kids" if you ever had any with him.

I don't think you're over-reacting or being unfair. I would find it impossible to trust a man who could choose to separate himself from his children to that extent.

Go with your gut instincts. They will rarely take you down the wrong path.

faithinme, I LOVE that sig!

I second the idea to go with your gut instincts. Regardless of wanting to be far away from his wife...this decision was not in keeping with a father who was emotionally attached to his children, even prior to the divorce, because an emotionally attached father would have put the kids' best interests first, knowing close association with him was part of their best interests...

If you're looking for someone who values family committment, this one is likely not a good fit for you. FS is an honorable thing, but it doesn't excuse him for his lack of family committment. You don't have the complete package here.

wow - this hits home for me... Being laid off in April of this year (2009), I was facing a lot of serious financial ramifications - foreclosure, bankruptcy, etc - and also the prospect of loosing our standard of living.
Where I was at had jobs, but would have required short-selling the house, possible bankruptcy and a list of other things. While I was willing to "take it on the chin" to start over, my wife was not (on behalf of the kids, she said).
I ended up taking a job out of state - 6 hours away - with the idea they would trail me after the school year. this then became a dual residence idea, then it became my fault that I planned on filing for divorce when I left (a master plan).

We had issues prior to my leaving, but had hoped for a new start. When I found out she had gone back to the OM, I have now taken action and filed for divorce.

I am that man that "deliberately" moved away from his children - but I am keeping a relationship with them and supporting them.

I understand your feelings - and if that strong, have the conversation with him and make sure you are comfortable with the answers and I agree to keep your "spidey sense" in tune to conflicting information.

I say this because I'm afraid I'll be cast in the same light by others and honestly know that I'm doing my best with the situation that I am in - not crying "victim of circumstance" but instead, "understand and make a diligent decision."

JJ,

It sounds so different from the guy BB was talking about...You did not move out of the country, you moved 6 hours away...

BB,

I think the second one, run. Even if he claims its not abandoning his children, I know a man who lived in the states, moved to a foreign country where he met his wife, had babies and then moved back to the states. His now fiance has moved back and forth with him, because he can't stand being away from his kids but he also can't make a living in the other country. It is so frustrating for her.

You have a no win situation because if he's different from the guy I know and doesn't care that he's that far away, then you have a man that basically can abandon his family and not look back...Neither is good.