Something I've been wondering about when I see the posters here in recovered marriages, or those on a solid path to recovery; how do you betrayed spouses recover your trust in the former wayward?

After all, they cheated once, and even if they do everything they can to "prove" they've chosen you over the OP, how do you get past that little voice in the back of your mind that may be saying "they did it once, they may do it again...". There are those who say once a cheater, always a cheater; that it's not worth it trying to recover a relationship with someone you'll have to watch closely for a while, maybe forever. Better to just dump them and find someone else more trustworthy, right?

I ask this because I'm a person who finds it hard to trust, who truly trusts few people in my life (my wife is one of them), and when people betray my trust, I tend to just cut them out of my life-they become dead to me. That does not bode well for my chances of marital recovery if my wife ever goes wayward. I don't know if I could ever trust her again, I don't know if I'd even want to try.

So, to all of you in recovered or even recovering marriages, how'd you regain the trust? if your marriage is still recovering, are you on your way to regaining trust?

I will NEVER blindly trust anyone again. I should not have blindly trusted him in the first place.

So, instead of counting on BLIND TRUST again, I place my trust, INSTEAD, in boundaries. My H and I have sane boundaries set in place to prevent a repeat. We spend all of our leisure time together, RARELY travel apart, have complete transparency on our computers and phones.

Additionally, we have created a marriage where we are both in love with each other.

Like Dr Harley says, it is not lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of BOUNDARIES.

Thought this was a good answer to your question:

Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?

Macnut,
I second what Mel wrote. I don't know if I can say I trust my FWH to not have A again. I can say we have put precautions in place that make me feel more secure in our R and M. I actually feel more secure now than prior to Dday because of the precautions. We are spending more time together and we don't do anything (including how we handle kids) without us agreeing. There's no independent behavior. We respect each other and also have a different love for each other than we've had before (a better love). I don't hold back anymore either. Personally, I feel much better about this because should my FWH do something stupid again I will be at peace walking away knowing I gave it my all.

Gg

It could be said that if you don't completely trust your spouse after the affair, then why bother staying married to them? After all, without trust, you don't really have a relationship, right?

But Harley is right, anyone can have an affair under the right conditions, so blind trust is not a wise thing to give...

But I do have a great relationship and I would never completely trust anyone again. A good marriage does not stay that way due to trust, but due to GOOD BOUNDARIES. Complete and blind trust almost ruined my marriage. It has ruined/almost ruined hundreds of marriages on this board. Dr Harley and Mrs Harley have a passionate, romantic marriage and they don't completely trust each other. Complete trust is what leads to affairs.

"I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe." Dr. Willard Harley

Hard to add anything more to the great stuff that's been posted already...Still, I'll give it a shot...

You know, part of this "trust" stuff is that you shouldn't trust yourself - what I mean by that is that no one put in the "right" conditions would be able to resist temptation, so you must commit to never putting yourself in temptation's way...THAT is the key. and that is what is meant by having "good boundaries"...So often it seems that people confuse having good boundaries with being able to resist temptation...People thinking that they personally could have opposite sex friendships that include recreational companionship for instance...Say a "golf buddy" of the opposite sex...They falsely believe that their "good boundaries" would mean not succumbing to any "feelings" that might develop - but that is just NUTS and is playing Russian Roulette with your marriage...The actual good boundary is not having opposite sex friendships that do not include your spouse in the first place...Make sense?

And really MacNut, though I wholeheartedly agree with what Mel and GG have posted - and of course I agree with Dr. Harley...Really, Mr. W and I do not go around saying [or thinking] stuff like "I don't trust you as far as I could throw you"...LOL...It doesn't work or feel like that at all...It's just that we both desire accountability from the other and we are leading lives that are so interdependent that it would be virtually impossible for one of us to have an affair now - because of living this interdependent life, wherein we are meeting each other's needs, we are romantically in love with one another...So all of the affair stuff is seriously a non-issue...If only we'd lived like this before...Ah hindsight...sigh...

Mrs. W

Here's what I wonder: What is FWH thinking? Sometimes I'll see him looking off into the distance, and when I ask, he'll answer with "Oh...I was just thinking about how much I love you!" Ooookay. Love it, but why am I thinking that's a little...um..not totally accurate? Oh, yeah, he swears he never, ever thinks of OW, only about what we can do to make our marriage better...I had to ask him tonight: If that's all you ever thought about, why are we recovering from an A?
Did I mention that this has been the holiday from H?

MacNut (I like that handle; I'm a Mac nut myself), I'm like you.

My now-wayward wife (WW) told me at the beginning of our relationship and throughout, "One thing about me you can count on is that I'm fiercely loyal. It was a significant comment to me, as I too, have problems with trust and betrayal.

So, imagine how I felt when WW admitted to the A.

My only response to her was, "I guess we have different definitions for fiercely loyal."

"I deserved that," was her only reply. What else could she say?

And I too, fear that the damage has been done. I came here to "survive the affair," not knowing if that meant the marriage would survive, or just my sanity. If I can't have the first, I'd at least like the last.

The worst part of this now is TIME. Only time will tell how it's going to work out. So I'm here, taking the help that's being given.

I hope some day I can repay in kind.

Mel: great answer, and it makes good sense too. I'm beginning to think the people who advocate "blind trust" and "privacy" in marriage are just using it to cover wayward behavior, OR are naive...

Mrs. W: great point about not trusting ourselves too much either. Considering that many of the waywards talked about on this board were thought of as people of high moral standards who'd never do such a thing, it only makes sense that we protect our spouses from our baser natures.

bliss: I can understand you wondering about that considering what happened-do you ever think you'll get to a point where you stop worrying about that? Is your WH doing what he's supposed to to reassure you?

Fred: I read your story in other threads, and all I can say is OUCH. This is your 2nd marriage right?

Forget blind trust.

How about eyes-wide-open trust.

Trust based on what you see, and keep your eyes open wide enough to see everything you possibly can.

Maybe it's not "blind" trust, but re-directed trust. trust in the knowledge that anyone can succumb to temptation, trust in the program that will restore/recover a marriage, trust that my WS will work with me(BS) to meet each others EN, trust that we can together move forward to an environment of transparency, honesty, POJA. Trust in the knowledge that this is the hardest thing either of us has had to face together, trust in the very fact that neither of us could survive this pain again. Trust in the truth that love is a choice and one that requires work and diligence 24 hours a day.

Still working on regaining and redirecting my trust.......

We're 3 months into recovery. Our example is less like the "Greg & Sue" one in Surviving An Affair, and much more like the Kevin & Amy example. Our recovery is moving quickly because, despite the pain of betrayal, it didn't go as far or affect us as deeply as a full-on "soul-mate" type of affair would have.

Not minimizing the pain experienced, just providing background.

Trust is something you do, not something you have. I love Ronald Reagan's adage, "Trust but verify". We have put into place great extraordinary precautions, and I trust her not to have an affair again as long as we continue to meet one another's needs -- particularly including openness & honesty -- have at least 15 hours of UA per week, and avoid Love Busters. If any one of those aspects slip, though, I go back to a dark place.

But as Dr. Harley says, resentment due to not having our ENs met or being Love-Busted is not a "resentment problem"... it's a lack of sufficient time in recovery.

So anyway, trust but verify. It's a great motto, and a spouse who willingly and joyfully encourages you to check out whatever you want is a spouse who is not trying to hide a secret which would hurt you.