hi. rich here 48. wife 40 m 10 years , together 11. have on stepson 19. wife told me love but not in love. she's strayed i'm sure on occasion last 2 years. she saw a psych who said she's confused and immature. oct 1 she moved out for supposedly 2-3 months to think. She admitted to having a male in south america (where she is from orig. 20 years ago) with whom she had affair with on a trip there. She moved back in 12 days after she left and said she loves me and wants to work on things. we never fight nor have financial woes. we have a nice little life but she's always bored and thinks there's more to life . for 2 weeks after she came back after moving out with only a suitcase, she was doing all the right things. but i noticed she's still in contact with this guy. he has no visa and can never come here. i try, try!! to ignore this chalking it up to fantasy but have seen and heard explicit stuff. last week we found out she is pregnant. I am almost 100% sure it's mine. the timing makes sense (about 3 weeks prgnant) . neither of us wants another kid. she wants to terminate but i said we could keep the child if we could work things out. She is very upset and does not want to have it. It seems that since sunday when we found out she's gone very dark on me. She does not want to talk about us or anything. My adviser told me NOT to try to force communication. But i'm dying here for something....I don't know what to do???? sorry to ramble but i am physically sick with nausea. thanks, richs61

rich,

click "notify" immediately and ask for this post to moved to the Surviving an Affair forum.

did it thanks sugar

????? where do i go next to see reponses

Hi rich,

Welcome to MB. I'm so sorry that you find yourself here, but I promise you it's the most amazing, safe, helpful and comforting place you could ever be in this situation. Have you had a chance to read up on this site?

First thing... you have to find out of they are still in contact with each other. And if they are, BLOW it apart and expose to everyone. You need to find out about the other person, if they are married and tell his wife. Affairs thrive on secrecy. OPEN IT UP..

I think that you need to find out who the father is for SURE... And have all the cards on the table.

OH it's slow on the weekends and with this being Thanksgiving weekend, it might be slower than normal.

Be patient. You don't have to fix your marriage today. But you do have to make sure that the other man it OUT OF THE PICTURE..

thks....let me know if u get this

yes got this

k then...this guy is single, no wife nor kids, lives in s. america. can't travel. they talk daily several times. our friend told me this.Yes the baby is mine . the guy doesn't speek english and me no spanish. but wife seems to be infatuated with him. My psch told me that if they were in the same town they would'nt last two weeks. But this still hurts big time. She is in a bad state with the abortion coming monday. do i try to force talk or let the dust settle a bit?? like i said..4 weeks ago she returned home and started painting, cooking and nesting. She was demonstrative and all; but after sunday nite, she really turned.

how come no one is responding??? i'm sorry and new to this

I'm sorry it's so slow right now. It will pick up. Is she really sure about the abortion? If you are the father, are YOU really sure about the abortion? It's one of those forever decisions.

It is essential that she stop all contact with this man. No calls, no emails, no Facebook, nothing. I agree that exposing the affair is essential too. I am not a psych, but I would try to persuade her to talk if she will. She and you are in a precarious state right now, and I am not sure silence is best.

You need to fill out a questionaire on narcissistic behavior (her not you). I will wager that she fits a lot of the traits. At least you will better know what your dealing with.

yes we are sure about the abortion. i know it's a bad thing. I'm quite sure at the present time she is unwilling to stop contact with this punk. i believe she's in love or possibly infatuated with this excitement.i'm afraid to try to force talk because of how volatile this seems. Just 6 days ago we were shopping for a new bedroom set??? she just went to the gym and asked me to pick out a movie for us to go tonite??? this is irrational to me. she told a friend she may go to south america for a few months. what to do?

wife seems to be in la la land right now. she is probably torn between me, love ,stability ,and familiar, and this guy in another country who appears exciting , passionate, ...etc. Is it reasonable of me to think that she can rationalize at this time?? Do i try to open communication when she seems so closed right now. She is very closed, but asked about a movie tonite?? I know this is cake-eating. But what do i do...wait for a bomb that she's leaving, or try to intervene on our behalf. Can i even reason with someone in la la land.? Especially with an abortion looming? HELP thanks

Rich,
Have you considered speaking to a professional? You are dealing with a lot on your own. The support here is great but in your situation you might want to consider looking into a phone consult with Dr. Harley. Your WW is very confused and is having an EA with OM. You need to read the articles at this site. Below are some links to how to start Plan A and after a few months (typically 6 mos for BH) if it doesn't work you move to Plan B.

Plan A & Plan B

Carrot & Stick of Plan A

I'm sorry about your WW's choice for abortion. I would try to get her to talk to a professional too before she does something she is going to regret later. Your WW definately sounds unbalanced.

Gg

thankyou!!

rich,

I would guess that your wife conceived the child when she was away from you for those 12 days in October. That is why she is adamant about an abortion; if the South American man looks quite different from you, then the baby is not going to look like your other children. She cannot hope to pass the baby off as yours and that is why she is adamant about an abortion.

You say she is about 3 weeks pregnant and that is how you can work out that is it yours. How do you know that she is 3 weeks (I think you mean overdue)? The only way to fix the date right now is for her to tell the doctor the date of her last menstrual period, and she could falsify that date. I might be wrong, but I don't think an ultrasound scan would have been performed so early in the pregnancy, unless there was a reason to suspect a problem.

If he was unable to go to your country (the USA?) during the time she was away, then she visited him. But on that note: why is he unable to get a visa? How did you find out this information? Did your wife relay it to you? What is the problem with the visa? Does he have a criminal record, or are nationals from his country not given visas to your country?

You say "your advisor" told you NOT to try and force communication. Who is this advisor? In what capacity do you see him or her? Is it a marriage counsellor?

From what I can work out, you have no children together. That makes her less likely to want to do what is right for the family. It might be harder for you to bring her back to the marriage than if you had children in common, especially dependent ones. You should think carefully about whether you want to do the hard work it will take to recover your marriage, since you do not have children's needs to take into account. Your wife is already showing a refusal to end contact with OM.

Are you able to spy on her communications with this man? Does she use email to contact him?If so, you should download a keylogger for your PC and read their correspondence. If she uses her mobile phone, you have to get a look at the messages. You should hide a digital voice recorder where ever you think she uses her phone;in the car, for example. You must find out SECRETIVELY the nature of their contact. Your marriage cannot survive continued contact. You must not get caught spying, or your access to her secrets will end.

When you do manage to see their communications, do not reveal how you found it. If you do, she will simply open a new account, put a password on her phone or buy a secret phone and carry on the contact.

With some firm evidence, you can tell her that you know there is still contact and work on Plan A. Plan A is designed to make the marriage more attractive to her and to encourage her to end the affair. It might work on its own, but you might have to separate from her in Plan B and have no contact with her, until she ends the affair and commits to your marriage.

Does anyone apart from your advisor know of the affair? Once you have more information about contact, you should inform people who are close to you both, who might be able to bring pressure on her to commit to the marriage and end the affair. I don't know whether other people here would advise exposing the affair right away, even without further evidence of contact. I would wait for a few more responses on this before you do anything.

You are not getting many responses at the moment because most users of this site are in the USA and it is the holiday weekend there. All weekends are slow on this board, because people spend time with their families and are not at work, from where many people post. This weekend, however, is worse than most. Please be patient and your responses will pick up slowly.

Spying on her communications might reveal whether the baby is OM's. How will you feel if you find out that it is his?

I will also add you can't believe anything your WW is telling right now - you need to verify things for yourself, including paternity.

Gg

thankyou. i am in the usa, CT. we do have a 19 boy, my stepson.She concieved after her period oct 15. The doctor verified the fetus is about three weeks. She told me about the guy this summer. She has not left the country. He can not get a visa from this south american country. I know someone who knows him from there. No money, poor job, no visa is granted.She was pretty clear about her interest in this guy and said she needed to make a decision. two months ago she said she was not going to continue with him. but i know she has gone back on that. My adviser is a pscych. she thinks maybe to let the dust settle rather than attack her with ultimatums. but how do i know when the time is right. i really believe she loves me but i guess i dont excite her . my hope would be she wakes up , ends this phone affair, and trys to make us work. we have almost twelve years, no fighting. we vacation, dinner , movies, give each other massages, cuddle watching tv, even work together with a small home office. The psychiatrist said shes confused and immature. but what do i do?? plan a , ithink i've been doing this all along, I THINK. Even she tells her friends i'm a great guy. She told me 4 weeks ago that she doesnt know why she is self sabotaging our relationship. she said maybe she doesn't deserve me. I don't know what to do. We are not wealthy, but there is no struggle with work, kids, parents, etc... in fact , our life is relatively easy and care free compared to everyone else. thanks for listening!!

Rich
Has your WW been to a doctor (general or obgyn) to discuss what she is going through emotionally (setting aside pregnancy)? Does your WW work and is she involved in anything other than work?

Gg