she and i go to the gym, she hangs with family and friends. She also just got licenseed in massage therapy and has a job offer at a nice club.She doesnt believe in therapy but did see a nice pschychiatrist a few times. he's the one who told me she's immature and confused. i would love for her to go to counseling, but shes gotta agree. right now she's way too fragile i think. she just called me to go to a comedy movie tonite. ???

You should go - she wants to go out and have fun so go out and have fun with her. I'm starting to believe something happens to women in their forties - they revert to teenage girl behavior. There have been to many husbands recently coming here with the same problem. I don't know why these women do it? Maybe a fear of getting old - I just don't know. BTW - I also live in CT near NY line.

Gg

Maybe your WW should get involved in something where it doesn't revolve around her. She needs to volunteer or give of herself selflessly.

Plan A is where your WW comes to agree to NC in any form with OM. You also need to expose this affair to anyone close to you that can help put pressure on the A. You can read about exposure in the newsletter forum.

Gg

i live near ny line too. she always says she wants to volunteer but never gets to it. she has very little focus, always starting but seldom finishing. the psych calls her a teenager. this does me no good however. thankyou so much for your imput. i have much to think about. I can't believe i'm trying so hard to save this.Is it love or am i crazy. everyone tells me i am the perfect catch, why doesn't my wife think so any longer. Maybe all the time we spend together, (work, home office, gym,movies...and the lack of young children) has made me taken for granted.?? 4 weeks ago when she returned from moving out for 12 days she seemed to really have missed me and made it clear she would work on herself and us. but..after a few weeks seemed to backslide. the pregnancy really has rattled her to the bone. I would really like to see us work!!!!! Just wish i knew what to do. everyone seems to have a different opinion??? I guess mt judgement, and faith and maybe luck will come into play here.

Stop trying to figure her out, slow down, take a breathe and formulate a plan for yourself.

Everyone has a different opion, but the Plans are the same. Plan A or Plan B. Read whatever you can on this website if you are getting confused and ask questions based on what you are reading.

She is acting like a spoiled child because you're spoiling her like a spoiled child. You pay for everything, right? So disconnect the internet. Turn in her cell phone and install an old-fashioned land line with no long distance service. Turn off the cable. Shut down the health club membership. Tell her if she wants all this back, she can get a job.

You have to start having a backbone and respecting yourself so that she will learn to respect you.

i know what you are saying, BUT...wouldn't doing all that inflame her and make it less likely she'll come round?? Isn't the plan to make her want to stay and work on reconciliation? If i do turn off the phone, cancell the credit cards, stop paying for her son's schooling (i do love the boy like my own, He's in college now), suppose she says f.u., i'll get a lawyer and show you. I'm not sure what to do??

You can do such things without being a jerk. Tell her you need to conserve money. Tell her you need to set up better savings accounts, considering the economy. Tell her you want to be a better role model for her son. Be smart about it, but do NOT enable the affair! You can Plan A, not be a doormat, and make it hard to continue the contact all at the same time.

yes that makes good sense.....i'll try to enact some of the suggestions. thanks

Hi Rich,

Weekends are slow.

When you expose, you do it without warning to all relevant family and friends. The impact must be nuclear. This action IS a lovebuster and needs to be done ONCE. Don't drag it out.

In the meantime, do not argue. Learn to list and meet her Emotional Needs. Read the articles and try to complete her Needs Questionnaire. Do not engage in relationship discussion -she will not understand you.

The trick is for her fall in love with you again. This may take some months. Keep posting and reading, there is lots more to tell.

Ps: Read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

thanks...did you see my original first post from yesterday??? my situation is bizarre, i think. thanks for the Keats quote. btw , there was a movie in small art theaters last month about keats, slow moving but interesting. Cant remember the title, thanks again

i Believe, really Believe, that i meet almost all of her emotional needs....even she has indicated that i'm a "best friend". Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? Best friends? But she has also indicated that she wants to "FEEL". She says her libido is low but based on what she's written to this over seas Other Guy it seems like her libido is just fine, but not for me. The psych she saw only a few times said she vacillates between stability and our life And passion-excitement life. Another words cake

The EN's need be expressed by her, not you. Read the five languages of love. These are very specific to the person needing attention.

Her indiscretions need to be properly addressed. There has to be consequences for her wandering into illegitimate fantasy land. These are boundaries. You do not level these as in a threat, you just do it. Mostly it is exposure both of her and the OM.

Rich,
Did you read the newsletter forum on exposure? Exposure will help squash her fantasy - it will bring her down to the face reality of the harm she is creating. Everyone here is correct - Plan A does not mean you become a doormat.

Gg

will do....thanks

btw...I REALLY want to thank all the kind souls on this site for your words. They mean a lot to me.!!! Just typing helps dissipate some of the nervous energy i'm experiencing!!! thanks again And Keep It Coming !!

Weekends are usually light. You should get more responses during the week. You are not alone - there have been many BS in your shoes where they thought the M was good only to discover A. My FWH met OW at gym. Have you read up on Plan A and started working on it?

Gg

yes..trying plan a, trying to have faith in this system and doing a lot of reading.....it can be draining. i'm not entirely sure what to do at times? i'm trying to give a bit of space and feel her out, but her moods swing a lot. We usually watch a good show sunday nite , so i'll make popcorn and hot choco and see the mood. It's hard because of the uncertainty! Like i sais earlier, a week ago now we were looking for a new bedroom set??I just want security and peace. I know thats a lot to ask for but what the heck. thanks

What? You need to want and expect more out of your M. What don't you know what to do?

Gg

She strayed beyond the man in South America? Do you mean with OM in US?

Gg