I am currently in NC with my wife. As many of you know she has a boyfriend and I question how well things are going. I am thinking the honeymoon phase may be coming to an end, and her needs are not being met like she anticipated.

Tonight I got this email, as I have some forms that need to be filled out for our formal separation.

Hi - thanks - maybe we can get-together to fill them out - I have been having trouble lately missing you-so am nervous about meeting-sorry for everything

I was not prepared for this (although I should have) do I just tell her I will mail them to her? Is this an indication of a change of heart? Hmmmmm. I don't know what to think but my experience tells me someone here can help me understanding what is happening here.

I have not responded to her email and I have not called and currently do not answer her phone calls.

What should my next step be?

Thanks guys I appreciate the help while I am swirling around in the spin cycle of the washing machine of life.

Hi BCboy,

I don't know your situation, I don't venture over here in SAA too much.

The email from your WW, that is just words.
Watch her actions, like if she were to ditch the OM, that would be an indication
that she wanted to return to the M.

The email sounds like she wants to be friends with you, and keep the OM.

Let her miss you, stay on the path of Plan B, since I am assuming that is what you
are in.

Stay NC.

Hey BCB,

Interesting email. I think the previous response is one target. I'll offer some of my thoughts to see if it can complete the picture.

She is having "buyers remorse". Not sorry that she bought this mess, but probably wondering if it is a good buy and did she pay too much. That was my first thought.

If I take into consideration your own thoughts that all may not be well in paradise, then I do also think she is keeping an oar in the water...just in case. She is planning on you having a soft heart and a soft place to land if lover boy doesn't pan out.

Is she going to do anything about it? My guess and it is a guess is that not unless lover boy dumps her.

I would simply send her the papers, explain it would be better if she filled them out herself because you certainly don't want her feeling uncomfortable. And then I would leave it at that.

I don't know what your feelings are these days, and I don't know what your goals are these days. I am sure your travels the last few months have changed your perspective.

Given that I don't know these things, I could not hazard a guess as to what your next step is to be.

I see no action, I see no sense of empathy, I see just cake eating at this point. She is sorry for everything, which in my world means she is sorry for nothing, other than things are going as well as she hoped.

Hope I am wrong, but this is my sealed envelop guess as to what this means.

God Bless,

JL

Definitely sounds like buyer's remorse to me.

Sorry for everything? It's a very vague term and you'll have to watch her actions here.

JL
As you know I have always valued your input. My radar is totally off as I have learned that when you are emotionally involved it is difficult to see clearly.

I tend to think you are right that it is all about keeping an oar in the water. I have to be careful as I am feeling lonely these days myself. Definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. I still get times when I feel hopeful.....

But then I have to remember there is a high probability I am dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. When that is involved the game changes significantly as the responses are not "normal". This will be about her realization that the new guy is failing to meet her needs. And it is unlikely that any person will be able to fill the void she feels.


I am not sure but I have heard rumors that lover-boy has indicated he thinks they spend quite a bit of time together. He is 64 and she is 54 and he has already had several failed relationships (and is likely gun shy) ( I think he likes getting the milk but not having to buy the cow)And I think he likes having time on his own and this new relationship with her may be cutting into his hobby time. Oh well that is really not my issue any longer I have to concentrate on establishing my own life.

What I really struggle with is it is part of my make up to marry for life. That is what I always believed and now having to deal with the reality of her leaving, and with her entering into adultery makes it really difficult. Who ever would believe this woman who once taught Sunday School could go this route.

I cannot believe how difficult it is to get over separation. At one time I used to think it would not be that big a deal, but as I learned in Divorce care it takes about 1 year for every 4-5 years you were married to recover, and I am beginning to see that now. I can certainly see why MB recommends recovering a marriage if at all possible as I still think it is a better option in the long run.

As far as my thoughts go - I am trying to figure out what my life will look like in the next 5 years. I was always a long range planner and I took early retirement and was planning to travel with my wife. Now all the hopes and dreams have changed and I don't have a new plan in place as of yet. I still feel like I am working on getting my balance back.

JL I am so glad to hear from you again. It is always a pleasure, and I value your input highly. Thanks for dropping by.

This is just a test to see if she can get you back on her plantation and meeting her needs because the OM is not doing a good job. She needs you to prop up her affair because it is crumbling. No response would be the best response.

BCB,

You have family right? Get closer to them and enjoy them. You want to travel, join a travel club and do it. If you like outdoors and hiking, join a hiking club. I think you need to join and do a few things before you will know what you want to do long range.

I used to kid my older son as he and his friends seemed to be waiting for figure out what their "calling" was before doing anything. I told him it was like him trying to figure out what a great meal at a French restaurant would be without having had anything but milk all of his life.

In short I told him to get off of his duff and start doing things, working, taking jobs as they come and he would find his "calling". It actually worked out that way.

I think often action needs to preceed decisions when one is contemplating long range plans. I know it is counter intuitive and actually counter to how I generally operate, but I have found that doing, allows me to consider what to do.

Hope this isn't too confusing.

God Bless,

JL

Hi BCBoy--I also do not venture into this forum too often but saw your thread.

I am in the process of reading a book I received through Alanon: "Opening our Hearts: Transforming our Losses". I originally bought it on the advice of another Alanon member after hearing my comment about "I never thought I'd be 52 years old and have my life turn out like this."

It's an inspiring read, whether or not you have an alcoholic in your life. I recommend it.

BCboy, are you in Plan B? Did you send your WW a Plan B letter?

Either way, you can just tell her that you will be happy to talk to her AFTER she has ended her adulterous affair with the OM. Otherwise, you have nothing to say to her.
Mulan

Thank you for your responses. I was fairly successful in my career, I was known for being able to take a difficult situation and find a way of maximizing the opportunity. Now as I find myself in this situation I often find myself at a loss on what to do. I find it easier to see what other people should do. Just shows you how emotions can impact a person. So I really appreciate the feedback as it is valuable to me.

I worked in my parents business for years then had a 35 year career in a large corporation. Last week I signed up for a course that is two weeks long that addresses the retraining and career opportunities for seasoned workers. I am looking forward to the opportunity of starting a new direction. So JL I think your advice is spot on. Thanks for sharing. What you say is valuable, as I think many of us who find ourselves in this situation get paralyzed and stuck at times and we need a push to get us going.

Our House
Thank you for your suggestion of the book it sounds like a worthwhile read. I will look into getting a copy.

BC,

I hear ya! I am exactly where your are, and after a long term M is is extremely hard. But I do agree that you should remain dark. Don't give her an opportunity to cake-eat because I can assure you that she will. They all want both. Hopefully your Plan B letter spelled it out for her, so don't waiver. I was lucy-goosey on my Plan B and continued to go through false recovery after false recovery. It isn't worth it.

BCboy - Listen to MelodyLane. She knows whereof she speaks.

I've just "gone dark" in Plan B, but I will say this: I have given specific instructions to my WW on how she can contact me -- I will not respond to any other attempt to reach me.

And the one path back is very specific. It begins by sending an email to a specific address with a specific subject line (otherwise I will delete it without opening). In the body of the text she is to suggest a date, time and neutral place to meet to discuss the possibility of moving into recovery.

If she hasn't already committed to NC with the OM, the discussion stops right there.

It's the only way I see that one can come out of this sane, healthy and whole. If we don't set healthy boundaries -- NOW -- we are likely to get trampled in the future.

Be on guard.

Translation: I'm sorry I got caught.

Untill she meets the terms of your Plan-B letter, remain Dark. Contact only through an Intermediary, and then only the necessary facts.