My Husband, now living with the OW he cheated on me with for a year, is cutting services, harassing me, calling me the C word over and over again, told me I was a "worthless" wife, etc. He cleaned me out of everything of value and is not paying what he is supposed to pay. Seems delighted with the fact that I have to go on food stamps. Mocks me that I never called the police on him when he was abusive, and now I can't prove abuse.

I've tried to stop contact with him to avoid the verbal abuse the cut my soul to shreds, so he started cutting services and not paying the bills he was supposed to. There was little else to cut so he started involving the kids in our disputes, trashing me, toys and trips to them when I can't afford peanut butter. I want to move on but each week the bottom keeps dropping lower. There is an emergency request for a court date from my lawyer, but that takes time. And I don't know what will come next. I want to move on, starting TODAY, but we share two children and I see no way of avoiding the constant landmines he takes such pleasure in laying down in front of me.

I swear I was a good, faithful and devoted wife. I can't understand why he hates me so much or what to do about it now. My stomach is always in knots and I want some peace.

Don't know if I'm asking a question here. Just needed to vent. Have burdened friends and family enough.

Broken's thread just below yours is asking much the same thing - why is a wayward so angry. I don't know why but many waywards are like this. My theory is that they need to stay angry at us (the BS's) in order to feed their affair. It also helps them justify their affair - "see how evil and rotton my BS is; no wonder I cheated." And there's probably a little bit of regret rolled in there. In the affair fantasy, they keep their lives and just replace you with the OP. In affair reality, they lose a significant part of their lives and assets to you. Hence, it's your fault (in their eyes). Their overzealous anger keeps that philosophy alive. If they were to relax and let go, they'd see there's nothing else to their affair.

You can set up an IM to deal with him. Find someone who will take his phone calls and messages and pass yours along. You do NOT have to deal with him! Even with kids. Lots of folks here have kids and use an IM. And if he tries to go around the IM, you WILL have evidence of abuse to take to the courts.

PLEASE start a journal, and record in it every conversation he has with you in which he uses the C word, and every other harassment. Your lawyers NEEDS that journal to show continued harassment.

Go to www.unitedway.org and find the closest office to you. Call them and get them to help you. You can get all kinds of help from them, including counseling and anti-depressants, which I think you surely need at this point. Call them today!

And find someone to be your IM.

Hi, what's an IM?

"Intermediary"

Mel has a good thread on training for Intermediary...

Training School for Intermediary

Thanks for the thoughts. I threatened husband with an IM last week and told him I WOULD NOT put up with any of the abusive comments anymore. He seemed to back down a little bit, but has since shown he feels entitled to do and say pretty much anything he wants while expecting me to comply.

I hate what he's done to me and this family and am supposed to just "get over it". Even as he continues to cut services, and put me down. I suppose at this point I am just waiting for a good excuse to get the IM in place. I know divorced parents who can't speak to each other and it's really hard on the kids.

Because he thinks you're weak, stupid, and emotional, and he can do whatever he wants because you are.

Are you ready to do the right thing and teach him otherwise?

Choose someone to be your IM who will send him YOUR necessary information and will be the conduit for HIS information. If he ignores the IM and sends you something in the mail, don't even open it. Just give it right over to IM to open and deal with it. If he calls you, DO NOT ANSWER. Call your IM and ask them to call him and ask him what he wanted. If he texts you and you accidentally open it, forward it to IM and ask them to deal with him as needed.

Basically it means you never have to deal with him again, unless there is some sort of emergency.

You can do this!

And BY ALL MEANS get to the judge and have his wages garnished to get back what he is obligated to take care of.

You are tough, catperson. But not entirely inaccurate. I am weak and working on that. While I haven't set up an IM at this point, I have threatened to do so if the abuse continues and have stood up for myself on several occasions since. He seems to be showing remorse, today anyway. It goes up and down. He has offered to pay some more bills and give back some tools I need to maintain the home. He seems to be genuinely bothered when I cut off all communications with him (for some reason) after he's abusive or neglects his responsibilities. I guess he still wants some kind of relationship with me, despite everything.

That's because he feels capable of controlling you. If you stop playing his games, letting him feel powerful, he'll either shape up, or leave. Either one is preferable to what you have now.

Oh, and he's offering to pay some bills because he KNOWS you can go to court and take MORE of his money than he's dishing out as HE pleases. He's trying to shut you up.

Never threaten anything, just do it and blindside him.

You need to recover money that is owed, whether it be child support, spousal support or household property.

What he is doing is to disconnect from you and make you just go away so he can continue to build his rotten love nest.

You gotta make that nest come with an extremely high price.

We filed for a court date the moment I realized he wasn't making good on his promise to pay the bills. Unfortunately, there is a bit of a lag time in Baltimore City for filing for a court date, and actually getting one. Still waiting to hear back from the court.

Some minor improvement from him, as discussed. I am hoping to avoid the IM. He either realizes how he is coming off and how it will effect his settlement, or his mother got to him and emplored him to do the right thing.

However, he will get my answer to his interrogatories about why I feel I should be granted sole custody later this week. Whenever he hears from my lawyer he hits the roof and the war wages on again. I expect another blowup and more services cut.

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to toughen up. Will keep you posted.

Why?!? Using an IM will give you some peace to concentrate on yourself and what you need to do. You don't WARN him about the IM, you just TELL him, "Please use ____ to communicate all messages to me and I will respond likewise." Your IM passes along ONLY messages of import and without all the drama.

Example: WH says to IM, "you tell that BIOT** that I want $$ for ____, and I'm tired of her crap. Blah, blah, blah."

IM says to you: WH needs $$ for _____.

See? With an IM don't have to hear all the extra stuff that drags you down. You get the important stuff and you can respond civilly.

UPDATE:

Harassed me constantly throughout Thanksgiving. Called and when I hung up, hit redial endlessly until I had to leave the house with the kids. E-mailed, texted and called all through the day and late in the eve about what an awful wife, mother, person I was, and how him and OW just sit around laughing at me and talking about what a pathetic loser I am. Laid on the horn outside my house while I got the kids ready for him to the point of seriously unnerving my son. I never responded to any of it, but called the police about the harassment and they told me how to get an exparte to cut contact. Of course if I did that, and IM would be mandatory. Then today while he had my son, my son cut his foot and had to be taken for stitches. He contacted me directly and kept me informed and in contact with my son. Wondered if such a thing were to happen with en exparte order, if I would be out of the loop if something like that occurred again. I do want to cut contact with him. He makes me feel so little about myself and is constantly stressing me out. But there are serious logistical issues involved with getting an IM in place that stress me out too. Still mulling it over and trying to find a way to make it work. So sad that it has all come to this.

If you're in Plan B, why did you have your phone turned on?

We were on our way out the door anyway, and I guess I wanted some evidence of the harassment. Like if I could show he obsessively hit redial for 15 minutes straight on the phone records, maybe someone would believe me. While he seemingly has little control over his ugliness towards me when it's just us, he is a master at appearing composed and making me sound crazy about my accusations in front of others.

Yeah, but...that's not really Plan B, right? Seems like it harmed you more than it harmed him. This is a game to him.

Well, it did get me a police report that I can use towards an exparte order. It's also further indication of abuse, one of the charges against him in the lawsuit. Yes, so far it is harming me more than him. The fact is, I'm depressed and a mess. But I will stop it one way or another very soon, and in the end I feel the evidence I am collecting (awful voice mails, texts, obsessive calling, etc.) will work in my favor in court.

However, with two kids here that he demands to communicate with several times a day, I'm not really sure where to draw the line. Does he get to call whenever he wants to talk to them? Or do I stop that too?

Hi fellspointmom, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I know for a fact that you can obtain an exparte in Baltimore City for any of the reasons you gave...and technically you do not need a police report. Also, as your children are minors you have the right to put their name on the exparte as protected. This way, he will not be able to come around you or them. This order will be good for 3 days while they serve him...then you can go back and extend the order for a lengthier time. When you file the order there is a section that asks if you would like to recieve child support or other monetary support..you should definitely check that off. I hope that you go and get the order today!! Please don't put it off anylonger and do not delay because you want them to see their dad, obviously he is not a responsible father at the moment. Perhaps this order will wake him up and show him what he is losing!

Thanks. Lawyer wrote letter to Husbands letter giving a clear and final warning about the terms of contact, and warning that any more derogatory remarks would result in legal action (exparte). I DO want my kids to have contact with their father. So this will be a last resort. From this point on tho, any other harassment from him or contact not otherwise defined, and it will be the last. Because there are no court dates yet, and no "legal" aggreements other than what he has volunteered to pay (but mostly hasn't), there is no immediate recourse if he cuts me off completely, which he has all but done anyway. Tomorrow I call the mortgage company to ask for a forebearance, and application for modification, whatever those are, per the lawyer's advice. I had to pay the one mortgage myself to avoid the creditors but left me penniless and I can't pay the other. Or anything else for that matter.

Normally, I don't advise getting kids involved, but if he talks to them several times a day, maybe you could suggest to them that they tell him you guys don't have any money for food since he didn't pay for the house payment and you had to handle it by yourself, if they're old enough to handle it. How old are they?