Started working my way through toomuchtoosoon's thread here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1988538#Post1988538

I wish I had more time to read through all of these posts. It's amazing to watch the transformation as it happens. In this particular one, things seemed completely hopeless in the beginning, WW was all but done, and yet, in the end there was recovery. It seems like there can be hope.

I think I'm in a better place. I'm more ready to accept whatever happens - positive or otherwise. This morning I woke up and for the first time in 3 months, my first thoughts were not about the A, WW, OM or anything else. It was eerily pleasant. And then just this afternoon something (not sure what) hit a trigger and I was back at D-day - holy crap it was painful. Everything was there, the emotion, the hurt, everything. I was sitting there at my desk ready to burst into tears. But, within a few minutes, it faded away.

I no longer feel as though I'm a slave to the emotions. I feel like I have more control. More importantly, I'm feeling more comfortable with me - who I am, what I've done and what I'm doing now. I think the WW has lost her control over me. Of course, I keep worrying that something is going to come along and just knock me right back into the hole, just as I'm emerging from the darkness...but if/when that happens, I think I'll be ready.

>hit a trigger and I was back at D-day - holy crap it was painful. Everything was there, the emotion, the hurt, everything. I was sitting there at my desk ready to burst into tears

That happened to me in Walmart. I was merrily strolling along and BAM! I ended up in the family bathroom - the one that the mommies use when they are nursing so they have room and privacy - and was a puddly mess for about 15 min.

> I'm feeling more comfortable with me

This is HUGE! Very good!

> I think the WW has lost her control over me.

This is even better.

Good work, ID.
You can't change others--you can only change how you react to them...

I'm glad that you are getting yourself to a better place. You really can only work on yourself. Eventually, we all have to learn to accept the things that we cannot control. During my H's long term A, one of the most important things I had to learn was that his actions had nothing at all to do with me and who I was as a person. I had learn to accept that, even if he couldn't love me the way I wanted him to (at the time, at least) I was still a good person, worthy and capable of love. It took a long time for me to come to that realization, but I think we all have to get there at some point.

The triggers are difficult to deal with. It still happens to me sometimes, but the pain becomes more muted and distant with time.

Hang in there. It sounds like you are starting to heal. I hope your kids are doing well.

How are you holding up, ID? Thinking about you and your situation...

I'm better, but still swinging back and forth between "I love my wife and want to try my best to save the marriage" and "I'm ready to give up and move on." I really do love my WW but the futility of my efforts is disheartening. I mean, since the A continues and there's really no chance of NC right now, I guess I can't expect much else.

I thought I saw the fog clear ever so briefly a few days ago but it came back with a vengeance yesterday. It was tough because I caught a glimpse of the angel I once loved and I started getting my hopes up. Thankfully, I've been crushed often enough that I kept telling myself "no expectations" and of course the fog came back and the angel was gone...replaced by The Beast. So, this round didn't hurt as bad as previous ones.

If Plan B were a viable option, I would be preparing for it but since WW is a SAHM, kinda makes it tough. Besides, she claims that OM is now "fully committed" to marriage, etc. I guess we'll see once the divorce is final.

D will be financially devastating for both of us so she doesn't want to move out until D is final (sometime in May at the earliest). I doubt I can last that long but I still have some financial planning I need to put in place before I can start pressuring her to move out. I'm going to target March as a move out date for her...get her to start living on her own and feel some consequences. That should give me enough time to get things prepared from a financial and emotional standpoint and to get the divorce agreement in place.

In the meantime, I'm making improvements on my end. I'm working out more, spending a whole lot more quality time with my kids and generally just learning to be a better person. I'm also learning techniques to avoid thoughts of the A that drag me back into the abyss. Basically, I'm making sure that I come out of this whole thing a better man than when I went in.

Other than taking a sledgehammer to the OMs head, I don't think there's much more I can do right now.

One bit of positive news:

A few years ago I was involved in a startup that basically went nowhere. The company was sold off but I walked away with little to show for a lot of work. The owner of the company, in addition to some cash, also got stock in the company that did the buy out.

Anyhow, I guess the stock finally came to fruition because two weeks ago I received a check for $3000!!!! The owner sent me this as partial recompense for the work that I did.

I promptly cashed the check and gave a fat stack of hundreds to my parents for safekeeping. I'll retrieve it when the D is final. Be damned if WW is going to get her hands on this money...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I'm all dried up at the moment.

I doubt the fog will start to break up for your WW as long as she doesn't have to deal with the realities of the situation she has created. Right now, she's still living in fantasy land, thinking everything is going to be perfect once she and the OM are married and living happily-ever-after. HA! It won't happen. Eventually, probably once she's living with OM and he's responsible for meeting all of her EN's and he starts falling short, which he's all-but-certain to do, she'll likely realize the grass isn't greener on the other side. Luckily, I realized that before I left. Maybe your WW will too, and maybe she won't. But she will realize it, someday, somehow, and it's going to be a huge and very rude awakening when she does.

I think you're doing all you can do. No matter what happens, it looks like you will indeed come out of all of this a better person, and maybe that will have to be enough. It certainly isn't a bad thing.

I'm still pulling for you, but unless your WW snaps out of it and realizes how lucky she is to have someone in her life who has stuck around and put up with this mess as long as you have, I think you deserve better.

ID, I'm so sorry to hear that the alien that took over your wife seems determined not to leave. Please protect your children from the evil that has become your WW and her disgusting OM.

Wow, I had to go back 24 pages to find this thread.

Just wondering how things are going InD. Not sure if you're still checking in here or not, but I've been thinking about you.

indarkness

Have you done a full exposure including the kids?

Who have you exposed?

Yeah, I think about ID's situation a lot...

Sorry for not updating. I think I've moved past the need for this forum. Not to be harsh, but it's kind of a downer reading other people's problems. It acts like a trigger.

My wife and I have pretty much come to a joint custody agreement and are preparing the divorce judgment at this time. We've been very cordial towards one another and short of the occasional flare up, things are proceeding in a manner that I deem best for the children, given the situation.

It is sad. My WW seems completely disconnected from reality. Just yesterday she changed her FB avatar to a OC ultrasound picture. It caused quite a stir amongst her acquaintances, as you can imagine, but she couldn't for the life of her see anything wrong with it. It's like I'm living with someone with a sub-70 IQ.

I've pretty much lost all affection for my WW. All that's left is sadness for her self-destruction and anger towards the consequences her decision will have on my children. I'm ready to move on.

I imagine that moving out will shake her up, but the OM is going to be there to catch her. So I'm not sure how much of a wake up call she'll get. Someone has always been there to catch her...which is just one of many problems she has. But, frankly, I just don't care. She's made her bed. Now she gets to live in it.

I'm walking out with 50% custody which is about the best I could hope for in this case. Finances will be tight but I already have a budget that I can work with. She's going to keep the kids close, which should make schedules, etc. easier to deal with. So, short of healing the marriage, I think this is the best road.

Yeah, it sucks. I wish things would have worked out differently. But you can't change people that don't want to change themselves. It's a tough lesson to learn.

I'm sorry to hear the news, ID.
Your wife is an idiot.
But you already knew that.
How are the kids reacting to the OC news?

Incidentally, I found today a long post from Pepperband. I hope you will find it therapeutic:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2236485#Post2236485

I'm truly sorry InD.

I hope you and the kids are doing okay.

I understand about reading the stories on this site. I don't read many of the newer stories now. They all sound so much alike. It can indeed get depressing.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not have been the light you were hoping for, but it is there, and I know you'll find it. It sounds like you're on your way to a better place.