>As a matter of fact I started saving mad money in the event he looses his mind again

I did/have too.

Agreed. I told my H that, if he ever steps out of line again, he needs to come home, walk up to our bedroom, and start packing. And I'll know exactly what he's doing and why, and won't ask a single question. But I WILL hold the door open for him and hand him my attorney's name and number on his way out.

I think our boy may be a little confused about how, why and what plan-A is.

Replace He, with She...

And I will x3 that.

art i have spent this day reading your threat. I am not not sure how to respond your threat but felt the need to. I am not sure why and i know this sounds crazy but i feel so sorry for your wife and childern. My husband cheated on me when i was 6 months PG and left me a month after my daughter was born. he never moved back in and has since moved out on OW and moved back in with her.

I know the pain your wife expierenced after the first affair when she was pregnant. I cannot even imagine what she feels like right now and nor would i try to speculate. I hope your wife finds piece some day and i hope you find peace within yourself. I truely believe that people who have affairs are searching for something to fill some void that only they can fill themselves. They are not happy with themselves for one reason or another and their spouse can't do anything to fill that void at that time so they go else where instead of looking to themselves to fix the problem. i hope you find that hole in yourself and fix it for your and your daughters sake.

Art,
Good point from Strong. It's disheartening to know you went to MB weekend and are back here. Strong's post magnifies that even with a Plan and Recovery program, you still strayed again. You want to recover your M but really you need to focus on your individual recovery - only then can you really start to consider any attempt at reconciliation with your W.

Gg

Art,

If you attended an MB weekend, why are you posting on these public forums instead of on the private forum where Dr. Harley will answer you himself?

Your posts show an incredible lack of understanding about the MB Plans and the MB recovery program. So I am having a hard time believing you are telling us the truth.

As was asked before, what was your old username here on MB?

I feel that all of you are right. I have an appointment tomorrow with a councellor. I need the tools to work on my issues before I even stand a chance with my W.

We did attand a MB conference about 6 years ago, after the 1st A. we never signed into the message boards. I never had a user name until this thread.

The truth from all of you has been hard to swallow, but I am listening. Thank you!

I find it a little ironic that the hotel room I am staying in happens to be our anniversary date:/

I hope the counseling helps you.

Gg

I like this qoute. That is the only way it will work. Thanks

If you attended an MB weekend, you can call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639 and they will give you access to the weekend forums where you can post directly to Dr. Harley about your situation.

Thank you. Even if it was 5-6 years ago?

YUP!

WOW! Thank you so much.

ArtU, well, yes you have to do a lot of work on yourself, but at least you are willing to put yourself on the spot and hear the criticism and get to work on yourself. What you did was very wrong and from a BS point of view I know how devastated you W is now.
I also learned a lot from your post about my WH. I learned that he most likely persued the OW and that all along he was very actively seeking the thrill of this second A of his. He all along wanted to leave the M so unlike you, he was using this second A to exit the M. I now realize that as well. But it could also be that he no longer wanted the M because he wanted the OW more....
It is just puzzling about how you went ahead and did it again especially when you said the M was going well. At least you do not have that sense of entitlement my H has where he feels he deserves his A given he was never happy with me.
blessing

This is awesome! Get yore hinder in there Artu!

Did you ask her to read the thread? How did she know to do that? If you directed her to do so, that looks pretty disengenuous on your part "See honey, I'm posting about how terrible I feel, so now you can believe me, right?"
That may work against you - the consensus here is that your BW is within her bounds for enforcing her requirement that you stay faithful or she will leave you.

ArtU, what makes you think that IF your W took you back you would not cheat on her the 3rd time? What if all of a sudden you start feeling upset and things in the M are not going 100%...will you turn to an A?
Also, I wanted to ask you if you have any addictions to drugs, alcohol, porn etc...
blessing

ArtU, you never responded about the following advice.

The preceeding steps might make him think twicw about it....

But realisticaly, he is a serial cheater. There is an extreamly high probability of him doing it again. Atleast with the situation I outlined above, his wife comes out well financialy for having to endure his abuse a third time.

Art,

I don't know if you really just beleive you "can't believe you did it again" or if your completely full of it.

Some have their doubts about your entire existence. The "sniff-test" for you isn't working right now.

That said, I will give you 15 minutes of my time, and then you can see what happens next. If your real, some good can happen to you, if not, then this thread will fall away. like so many others.

Yes, you can sign up for the continuing lessons if you went to a MB weekend, even 6 years ago.

But that isn't really the problem is it?

You had your first affair. And your timeline indicates that you went to the MB Weekend BEFORE dday. So, you are either making this up as you go along, or your completly blown up, and just can't pull anything together.

So here goes. Plan A your WIFE. Folks here who say that its for the Betrayed Spouse only are missing the point. You CAN, as the wayward one, hope to redeem yourself only through YOUR ACTIONS. And Plan A, is ONE WAY you can show, with concrete actions, that you are doing something different.

If your went to the MB weekend, you learned about emotional needs. And you learned that meeting your spouses top emotional needs would help you to have a happy marraige. So, what are her top three, and top five emotional needs?

If her top 3, for example, are honesty and openness (H&O), conversation (C), and financial support (FS) then address them, in spades, going forward.

Honesty and openness: Write her a letter and tell her about your actions in the affair. Detail what, when, where, and leave nothing out. Send her a copy of your No Contact letter, so that she can mail it. Practice O&H in EVERY interaction with her going forward. She asks you a question, tell her the truth. Clarify your answer. Provide info that shows you trying to be complete in your response. Wheter the question is in regards to the affair, to "What are you doing about moving out?"

Conversation: Right now, this will be tough. She probably doesn't want to talk to you. She has asked you to leave. You have been advised to just move out. You can do this. Or you can move down the hall or the basement. It IS your house too. Respect HER space. Move your stuff. Make plans to go to your new apartment. Keep plan A'ing her with your actions. Get the legal seperation agreement ready. Be prepared for being out of the house for awhile. If your marriage means anything to you, then doing these things will help your BW feel better, and maybe help you recover your marriage. If not, it really doesn't matter, because your leaving anyway.

Financial Security: Pay all the Bills. Don't, in anyway shape or form, start to slight the family's needs at this time. Things going to get tight? Certainly. You have to pay for a new apartment. Borrow the money from your parents, or a other family member. Tell them why you need it. You need the money to make sure that your family has what it needs while you fix your screw up. Use the money to pay for counceling, maybe another trip to another MB weekend, some other support for your wife.

Her needs may be something else. But address her top 3 most important EN's. Work them HARD. Respect her for the hurt that you have caused her. Be the man you are capable of being.

I advised you to think about the top 5 EN's. You may not be able to address the first three, because, for example, one may be Affection. And she may not want you to touch her. So, you go to number 4 & 5 to try to help you get to the other ones. These next two could be Family Committment, and Domestic Support. So, take the kids to thier band practices, and sports outings, and pay attention to thier grades, things that you always left to your BS, while you were doing something else, like playing golf, or hanging with the guys. Stop all that and focus on your family and give THEM all your time. Cancel your facebook account. And your myspace, and all those other stupid timewasters. Then, if DS is one of her EN, clean up the house. Straighten out the garage. Rake up all the leaves. Fix the trim on the siding. Paint the side door, that has needed it for two years.

And keep doing it. Plan A her. You can do it. Change your actions, and you have a shot. You did the right things for two years. Then you got complacent. She may have too. But your the offending one. Your the one who should have made sure that the marraige stayed on the path.

Your second affair started becasue you thought you were "safe". Look how good my marriage is NOW! And then, a seemingly innocent little connection gets out of cantrol. You saw it coming. You saw it coming while you sere sitting at that little restaurant table. You felt the tingle. And instead of realizing that your about to head down the wrong road again, you stayed on it. No matter WHAT, THAT is what you have to fix. Your BS may be an angel and perfect is every way, but this is YOU. YOU will continue to make the same stupid choices if you do NOT get a handle on this part of you. The one that allows you to do what you want as long as your not getting caught. Sure the lunch was innocent. But everything after that was clear to you, and you allowed yourself to go there. And you will ALWAYS allow yourself to go there.

That is something that I learned. By being around here, and by looking at myself critically. I allowed myself to have the affair, because, if it wasn't this woman, it was going to be another one. And another one. Your still primed for it. I learned that in myself, that many woman I can be socialable with. Be in thier company, and never ever have a problem. But there were others. For whatever reason, I wanted more, or I sensed that they wanted more, and I learned that I then had to avoid these women in the future. To protect my wife, my son, and my marriage. Heck, to protect my life.

You do that, you may really have a shot at saving your marriage. This is something that your BS KNOWS about you. That you are on the prowl. (Yes, there are a number of other things for your to fix as well.) When you fix this, she will know. The centeer of your world will shift. And she will know.

Until then, its just a holding action on your reteat from this marriage. And your next relationship will be crap too. And you will wonder what is wrong with these women. But it isn't the women.

Art, it time to changes the colors of pallette. Are you up to it? Words are crap right now. Only actions.

LG

I did not ask her to read the thread. I have allowed her full access to my computer at anytime. I have given her all user names and passwords that I have. If she wants to read this she is welcome. I have nothing more to hide.

My W is well within her own right. I am not questioning that at all.