I just need some help getting through this - help from those who are where I am. I have no one to talk to about this - no one who has been thru it.

In May, 2008, my husband had a 3 month text message affair that turned physical. It happened with the town whore - she's broken up many marriages - even my husband's best friends marriage. My H tells me that he knows what he did was wrong. He says (so does the counselor) that he was feeling bad about himself and thought that I didn't want him anymore so he went looking for an easy target - someone to make him feel better. He knew she was easy.

Her husband discovered the texting and called me. He says that she has so many affairs that he doesn't usually bother, but this one surprised him and he wanted me to know. My H immediately told her that we were going to work on things, but she didn't leave him alone. She would send an innocent "hey" message here and there just to keep him stringing along. I kicked him out of the house for 4 days shortly after I found out - I was so mad. He came back but after 3 weeks, I had to leave town for a training that I could not get out of (I was the trainer). I wasn't gone an hour and he went and bought a Go-Phone so that he could talk to her without me knowing! He had it for a week when I found the receipt for the phone and confronted him. I gave him an ultimatium, either her or me and he needed to decide NOW. He called her and told her to leave him alone and that was the last contact that he had with her that I know of. That was 9/25/08. Unfortunately, she's never been known to "give up" one of her conquests....

Sadly, over a year later, I'm still absolutely sick to my stomach everytime we are apart because I think he's contacting her in some way. He's a real estate agent, so he has plenty of "unsupervised" time. She's a hair dresser, so, likewise, no one to be accountable to during the day. He's been really good to me, done everything I asked, leaves his phone and email open for me to review - but why wouldn't he if he has a DIFFERENT phone he's talking to her on??!! He's home on time every night - but why wouldn't he - he has ALL DAY to see her. He tells me how much he loves me and only me - but why wouldn't he - he's lied before!

I just want to feel normal again. I want to stop feeling suspicious and worried all the time. I want to believe that he's done with her. But I read about how they become addicted and they practically can't help themselves. I'm super sensitive to everything that seems out of the ordinary. What he wears; what he says; how he texts (she uses u and I type out you. He usually types out you when he's talking to me so when he types u, I get nervous!) I HATE LIVING LIKE THIS.

Have any of you went thru this? Do you have any healing advice for me?

Please help!!!! I'm seriously going crazy worrying all the time...... I'm sick to my stomach and I cannot stand it!

Thank you all!!!

Most people can't get over the betrayal(divorce rate is greater than 60% w/ infidelity), once trust is broken, for some, thats it. Maybe you just need more time? The fact that he is a realtor and has all that unfettered time is tough...DUDE

It sounds like he has not yet earned back your trust. That's okay - it is not your job to force yourself to trust him. It's his job to earn back your trust.

Don't worry too much about feeling suspicious. That's a normal reaction to someone who has betrayed you and is your mind's way of protecting you from such a person

However - is there anything else going on that you see as red flags? Is there anything else you would like him to do that would make you feel better?

Welcome to MB, by the way.
Mulan

Ask him to take a polygraph.

WTHN,

Have you considered moving? This extraordinary action may be exactly what is needed for you to heal...just like extraordinary precautions.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? Has your FWH figured out why he chose to betray the marriage, to cause you so much harm? Has he come with you for any of your training seminars? Is that something you both could work out, putting your marriage first?

Have you considered counseling by phone with the Harleys?

You're not crazy for being right where you are today...recovery from an A takes at least two years...a rough two years, too. Because you have two recoveries to work on--your personal recovery and the marital recovery.

You aren't alone. Please listen to these posters on your thread...you can take steps, make a recovery plan.

IME, if NC is solidly in place, then the "addiction" (which was to false feelings generated by the A) vanishes quickly...after withdrawal, the next stage is the guilt and shame stage...and you might be at or have been at the anger stage...recovery is tough. Get a plan. Pick a guide. Consider what you wouldn't have before if you want to fully recover and thrive.

LA

polygraph him.

and you should definitely be suspicious. he's broken trust. he's proven his word means nothing.

He needs to understand that anything he says holds no weight with you. You can't believe a word that's coming out of his mouth right now. He has to earn that trust back. and it's going to take time.

Listen to everything you hear on this site, accept what feels right and keep venting and asking questions. This MB site has some great material, read it all. Decide what it is you want, and then decide how long and how hard you are willing to work.

Someones thread line says that recovery isn't for wimps... they're right it is the hardest thing i have ever attempted to do, most of it will be alone, on your part..then as your WS comes around, if he does it will seem that the pain will never end, then just when you can't take it any longer, a reprieve, rainbow, a promise of a life, relationship to come.

hang in there....we're all hangin' with you

Yes, many here have gone through what you are going through. It seems to me your WS has not done a good job of making you feel secure in the R. The polygraph is a good suggestion. Below is a link to what Harley recommends for WS to do. Your WH should have done a NC letter to OW. It seems what you are doing is relying on the MC and what your WS is saying. I think you would feel better if you had a proven plan you can follow. You can read about the Harley concepts here and see if this is a plan that could work for you and WS. I also went to MC and found this site. My FWH liked this site and it helped us R our M.

Letter to WS: Rules to Recovery

Gg

He has actually done a lot to try to make me feel more secure. He leaves me notes reminding me that he loves me. He comes home immediately after work every day. He doesn't go out with the boys like he used to. He doesn't even go pick up the kids from practice without asking me if I want to go along. Everytime I have one of my meltdowns, it usually ends with him asking me what can I do to help you? He's done everything I've asked. He's went to counseling. We moved to another town - only 10 miles away but it got our kids out of same school as hers because we were having to see her 2-3 times per week at sports events. Unfortunately, the OW moved her business to our new town shortly after we moved. She still lives in other town but now works about a mile from my new house!!

My paranoia builds up and builds up until I have a meltdown about once per month. Something will trigger it - something he says or does that makes me really suspicious. I'll then try to talk to him and he gets defensive. Tells me that he's moved on and he doesn't understand why I have to keep bringing it up. He says "imagine the worst thing you've ever done and wish you hadn't. Then have someone bring it up and remind you of it all the time. I'm tired of it." I don't want to keep bringing it up - I want to move on and be better!

It's been over a year. I don't think it's appropriate to ask him to write a NC letter now. If it really is over, an NC would just start things up again. I need a way to know that it's really over and done with..... I need to work on a plan....

Thanks to all who replied. Any other thoughts/advice is appreciated!

Polygraph him. Tell him you need him to do this for your own peace of mind. He should readily accept and do it to prove to you that the A has indeed ended. If he gets mad about you asking him to take one, then that says a lot.

My H has agreed to random poly's for the rest of our lives whenever I feel the need. Because the truth is, there is no way to "really" know it's over and done with 100%. A poly isn't even foolproof, but it's enough for me.

It's completely normal to still be suspicious and to have triggers. Have you read the book Survining an Affair? If not, then you need to ASAP, and have him read it as well. It helped my H understand the whole boundaries/EP concept better than when I tried to explain it to him.

What are the things he's done that make you suspicious?

Honestly, not a lot. I was talking to him on his cell phone last Wednesday. He was in his truck going to work. I swear I heard a bling - like a text message or voicemail sound while I was talking to him - as if he had another cell phone with him. I instinctively said, what was that. He stammered around a little. I don't know I'm on my way to work was all he could seem to say. I told him it sounded like another cell phone. He got aggrivated and said he needed to get to work. I waited about 5 minutes and then tried to call because I felt bad. He wouldn't take my calls (tried twice). I texted him and said I need to talk to him. He said he wasn't real happy with me right now.
Once we got home we talked about it. He was borderline angry because he says it's been over a year and he's done everything he can think of and still I over react and have panic attacks. He says he tired of feeling accused. He says he just wants to move on and it's hard on him to have this mistake continually brought back up like this. He then asked what can he do to make this better -- sadly, I don't know what the answer is to that.
When we are together, he is GREAT. But the minute we are apart, my imagination makes up all kinds of things - I fear they are talking on the phone in his office or on a secret cell phone - or meeting during the day. I'm sick of feeling this way - but I also don't want to be blindsided and stupid again!

Your gut is screaming at you that something is wrong here. Do not ignore this. Your last post said a lot:

You believed you heard the sound of a secret cell phone.

Your WH could not explain this.

He got irritated and bolted.

He refused to take your calls.

He tried to make it YOUR fault ("I'm not happy with YOU right now.")

He got angry when you wanted to talk about it.

HE says HE wants to move on (nothing about how this has affected you).

His OW works a mile away from you ???

All of this adds up to a whole buttload of red flags. Your instincts are screaming that this is the case. Do not ignore them. It is NOT just your imagination.


Look him right in the eye and calmly say this to him. His reaction will tell you a lot.

Then ask him to take a polygraph. That reaction will tell you a lot, too.
Mulan

Yep. He's lying.

I still would hire a PI to have him followed, so you can use the PI's evidence to get what you need.

The mile from your home is a big indictator... Her moving there does not sound like an accident. It's even worse to me because he can stop by there and its easily accountable in a time frame on any trip.

Have you tried searching the truck for any cellular devices? And any baggage he takes in and out?

PI's are expensive. Do that only if your cursory efforts can't obtain anything.

I do check all his bags. I've been thru his truck. I've been in his office alone and went thru the desk drawers - nothing. He has a computer bag that he takes back and forth to work. I thought about putting a voice activated recorder in it to see if it records any conversations in his office. I've put a recorder in his truck before - been a few months - but never gotten anything. It records, but he wasn't having any conversations that I couldn't collaborate with his cell phone records. It would be a disaster if he found the device though.

I hate to jump to conclusions that he's lying when this is the first tangibly strange thing that has happened in over a year. I don't even know how to go about having a lie detector test done....

google certified polygraphers.

I found one that came to my house. She did this kind of thing on the side, her main job was polygraphing sex offenders for the government. So she was credible.

There's an association website that lists polygraphers by state, and their contact information.

turtlehead gave me this link when I needed to search out polygraphs, worked like a charm.

try this one

A word of warning- When you bring this up with him, he may fess up to something, thinking you will call off the poly. Do NOT do this. Poly him regardless of what he fesses up to beforehand, bc you may not be getting the whole truth.

My WH fessed up to 1 ONS after I asked him to take a poly. When he realized I was still going to have the poly done, he fessed up to 4 ONS's an hour before the test. I poly'd him to be sure that was the whole truth.

All of the responses that your H gave about the 'ting' sound and his repeated thinking that you should just move on and get over it ......
he's hiding something, and very well at that since you can't find anything concrete.

Defensiveness = lying

I have a pretty good idea of what your H's face looked like when you asked what that sound was ..... a deer in the headlights look, no doubt.
He was rattled and likely not able to get a good enough grip to answer your callback.

I wouldn't mention that incident again, you don't want him thinking that you are suspicious since he may go underground more than what he likely is now.

Keep snooping .... very secretly.
Go through the garbage if you have to.
Look through his office, every little piece of paper, look for something that appears innocent and check it out.
My FWH didn't hide everything, sounds crazy but I think that he thought if it looked innocent, I wouldn't catch on.
Look at his day planner if he has one, I found oodles there, right in plain view but not obviously attached to OW.
Go through his truck again.

Speak to OWH, he could be a wealth of info.