So my wifes bother (Alex) is going to ask his on again off again g/r (Heather) to marry him before Christmas. My wife and I are the only ones that know, so its a secret. We both think Alex is making a big mistake. Very recently Alex caught his g/f having sex with his best friend. It seems she needed some space and during thaty time she dated a bunch of guys and one of them turned out to be Alex's best friend. Needless to say he blamed his friend (which will part of my second question) for causing problems. No one in my wife's family really likes her. We find here very materialist and like to compare her salary to others. My brother-in-law is very young ans naive, but we feel its best to stay out of his affairs. However, we can't sit back and watch him self -destruct, and advice?
On my second question why it is that when one spouse cheat on the other the first reaction is to blame the outside party? Years ago my wife had an affair and I acted the same way of blaming the guy and not my wife. yes we did work it out and moved on

Regards
F

There's no harm in giving your BIL information. The best thing for him to have is knowledge. If he still decides to marry the girl then he only has himself to blame because he can't say he didn't know better. Harley provides some excellent resources. Below is one of his articles. He also has written a book "The One." I would print out the article and give your BIL the book and explain to him - better to be informed before making a major life altering decision.

How to Choose the Right One

Gg

Ouch. IMO they certainly should NOT be M'd. Particularly if this is something that happened recently. Urge him to wait at least a year before making any sort of commitment, given the circumstances. A lot can change in a year. And, given the circumstances, that offer of engagement sounds more like an act of desperation IMO.

I am one of those that went on to M someone who cheated before we were M'd. I now believe that getting M'd probably wasn't the best decision for both of us. And of course she cheated again after we were M'd, when it was a lot more difficult for me to just walk away.

Sorry, but only a tramp behaves the way your brother's gf behaved. Don't pussyfoot around this with your brother. Ask him to come here and read what it's like to have your wife do this to you after you're married and maybe have children.

And why does a Betrayed Spouse blame the OP and not the WS? Because your first instinct is to keep your family together. That means keeping the WS at home and getting rid of the OP. The OP is the intruder and trespasser, not the WS.
Mulan

P.S. Your brother has just taught his girlfriend that if she cheats, he'll get over it. He'll even give her a diamond ring and still want to be with her. This lesson will not be lost on her.
Mulan

thanks for all the tips.
My wife and I would talk to my brother-in-law, but he has one of those abrasive personalities. A mid 20 year old that know more than everyone else and has a temper (esp. when drinking) if you know what I mean? It does seem like the offer of engagment is more of a desperation. It was only 11 months ago he was a sobbering mess crying and drinking alot because they broke up. But she kept him on sidelines while she dated other guys. Oh one other think I hear through the family grapevine is she's not really into being itmate, sort of a cold fish.

Maybe as an early wedding present you could give them pre-marital counseling sessions w/a MB counselor.

Perhaps that would open his eyes.

So here's what you're saying:
1. Your bil is old enough to marry.
2. He knows his GF was with another man.
3. He might not take well to criticism.
4. He may have a drinking problem.
5. The GF is not cared for by the family.

With all of that, I think you're well within your bounds as the older, wiser relative, to counsel him regarding the challenges and joys of marriage. As far as speaking about the challenges of marrying his GF in particular: he more than likely knows about the family's opinion of her and doesn't want to hear it. Obviously he's made his decision with those thoughts in mind.
If you have information indicating that his GF is not being faithful to him RIGHT NOW, you need to let your bil know that. I think you need to stop short of passing judgment on his GF.

This may be a case of experience being the hardest, best teacher and your bil will have to learn that lesson. Or it may be a case of his GF truly having sown her wild oats and realizing that her place is with your bil. I know - I hear pigs flying, too But I think your best position is to give her the benefit of doubt.

I do like the MB counselling idea, Cate. As a matter of fact, I think MB concepts should be required reading for anyone considering marriage.

As far as your other question: The one person the betrayed spouse trusted most has harmed them. It's sometime easier to believe that the WS was 'tricked' into adultery, or 'brainwashed' into adultery, as a way of explaining how the BS could have made such an error in judgment.