I need to read around the site some more...but I'm looking for quick advice. I have noticed a weird name/number on our caller id from time to time over the past month. I usually notice when I'm getting ready to run out the door from work, and by the time I get home its been conveviently deleted from the caller id. I didn't suspect anything until last night. the person called thanksgiving when i was sleeping (i work night shift, sleep when i can during the day) and my hubby and son were gone, i ignored the call so i could keep sleeping and our fax machine was on so it couldn't go to voicemail. i didn't get to check the caller id till i got home from work the next morning and the number had been deleted. whatever, didn't think much. then saturday i saw the same person called while we were out shopping. still didn't think much except "doesn't this person realize by now they have the wrong number??". then sunday night they called again, while we were at home. my hubby went to answer the phone, i know he got there in time to pick up, but he claims the phone wouldn't pick up...fax machine was on again so no voicemail. at that time i checked the caller id and asked my hubby if he know who the caller was, since i've noticed they call all the time. he said no. i believed him...but was slightly suspicious. so this morning i checked our cell phone bill (the bill is in my name, so its not even real snooping) and he has multiple calls, all times of the day, up to 35 mins in length at times to this number, dating back to october. i of course did a reverse lookup and saw its a cell phone based a couple of states away. originally, before i saw the number on his cell phone activity, was going to call the woman today and find out why she keeps calling our house, let her know its a wrong number. after i saw that he has called her, and lied about it to me, i didn't call. when should i confront him? should i confront him? we have alot of stress in our marriage right now but i didn't think it was bad enough to start cheating. insight from others would be great, thanks.

don't confront, YET. you need more proof.
He is most likely cheating on you with this woman. Why else would there be so many phone calls between them?

Never think it can't happen to you. It can.

So sorry you're here. You definitely need to start snooping. If you have the money, then hire a PI.

start reviewing credit card statements with more scrutiny- if there's a charge you don't recognize, call the vendor and ask them to pull the receipt to find out what was purchased.

this is how I discovered my WH was buying drinks for skanks in hotel bars when he was away on business.

Start monitoring his time. Keep up with where he says he is and try to verify w/o him knowing you're on to him. If he suspects you know something, he'll try to cover his tracks even more. You have to be just as sneaky as he's been.

thanks. keeping track of him is relatively easy, at this point. no business trips, only home, work and school a couple times a week. i know he's at class, no one is that good at faking notes and assignments, plus we frequently text or IM while he is at class. i guess that's why i am confused...we spend so much time together and he wants to spend time with me, or at least says he does...i guess that's his way of trying to keep me thinking he's happy and keep me from suspecting things. sadly we keep separate credit cards so i can't track that, and he is an IT guy who has two logons for his computer (supposedly set this up recently on both of our computers, one of the logons is an "admin" account to only be used when downloaded/installing programs, supposedly its a security thing??) and i think he does his "secret" stuff on the profile i don't have the password for. he has always been the kind of person to delete his cookies/internet history daily so i can't track that. his personal email is always available to me and has nothing out of the ordinary in it so i'm guessing he's using either his work account or an account i don't know about. i think this is all an emotional affair right now, just phone stuff for now, so i don't think a PI can help at this point. for what its worth i have the girl's number and address because she has called the house so many times! i'm so tempted to call her but i think that's a bad idea right now. i'm trying to act normal tonight but its hard.

So sorry you find yourself in this situation! Have you thought about hiding a Voice Activated Recorder in his car? This is how I find out about my WH's A. But I agree with the others that you need more proof because most likely he will come up with excuses, etc.

Sorry you have found yourself here, but welcome to MB.

Please do not alert your H to the fact that you are suspicious. It will be much easier to snoop this way. Try your hardest to be calm ~ leave the room, go for a car ride, etc if you find yourself getting upset.

You can go to the intelius website and can pay approx $15 for a report on who owns that cell phone. This is how I got info on my OW.

I agree with crushed4, put a VAR in his car ASAP. tomorrow if possible and most likely you will be able to get to the bottom of this soon.

Come back here with any further info and we'll help you with the next step.

Hang in there!

That's correct. It's good security practice to NOT use an account with admin privs for regular PC usage. I would guess that most persons don't follow that practice though. How about you ask him for the admin passwords? If he ducks and dodges without providing them, then you'll know that the accounts were set up for other reasons as well.

And that's the thing - if your H is truly wandering, he's likely going to a "cover" reason for everything he does that you might be suspicious about. The "cover" reason here for having separate admin accounts is to follow recommended security practice. The real reason for having separate admin accounts might be to hide A-related activity from you.



A possible red flag, though he could be doing that to hide a porn habit.



You'd be guess correctly, if an A was going on. An IT guy savvy enough to set up separate admin accounts wouldn't do something silly like use an e-mail account that you're familiar with and have access to, to carry on an A.



I like the idea of a VAR, perhaps one for home as well as one for the car (to cover both areas). As for computer activity, I'd be very wary, considering he's obviously IT-savvy. Perhaps he's now keylogging YOUR activity now, for all you know. I suggest asking for the passwords for the admin accounts, then doing a search for keyloggers or anything similar on your PC, before continuing to use it to seek assistance here.

tonysmom - I'm also new here (found the site yesterday) and am dealing with my wife having an emotional affair. I went through what you're going through a few months ago and I know how horrible it is. Be as patient and observant as possible. You will get some good advice here - there are a lot of good people on this site. You're lucky to have found it early on. Good luck and know that help is here

i thought i had the passwords for the admin accounts, i have the password for my computer but when i tried his computer i don't know. i'm trying to think of a good reason for me to be on his computer and in need of the admin password. how do you search for keyloggers? i doubt he's using one on me but i guess you never know. i am going to look into getting a VAR and putting it in his car next chance i get. its hard to just sit on the info i already have and not confront him. and i guess friending the OW on facebook is a bad idea?? haha. i am monitoring his cell phone activity, there have been no texts between them and as of the last update (last pm) no phone calls since 11/28. thank you everyone for tips/support.

Tonysmom, I'm sorry your here and welcome! Your in good hands here! Foremost, be patient. If you need to let steam off we're here. Just do not do anything hasty or impulsively.

I was going to say don't friend the OW, but actually... You could send a friend invite to all of his friends and if he asked you could just shrug and say you just felt like adding his friends to yours. It wouldn't be odd at all and you might get lucky and she'll accept. At which point you will have an important resource for later steps...a direct contact to all of his "friended" people who accepted, because if he removes you from his friends list "later" you won't be able to see his friends list. Also, you'll have her friend list and perhaps contact with maybe her husband if she is married and/or family!


Second, collect all the addresses and phone numbers of important people who can influence your spouse. It will be hard to get that information later.

Most importantly say nothing about what your doing! There will be several steps we'll guide you on and each are your tools and only weapons if this is indeed an affair! First is finding out, gathering evidence that is undeniable. The second will be confronting coupled with an exposure of the truth to family and friends (Without telling your spouse that you're about to do it, no threats of it, or anything.) which all that contact info is going to be important for. We'll get there soon enough once you have proof that he can't deny.

Personally, I'd be able to get into that system for you. ^_^ It's my field of work too.

Does he use Firefox or Internet Explorer?

he's uses both, mainly firefox though. since i've known him (7 years now) he's always deleted his cookies/history on an almost daily basis, so that's not new suspicious behavior. just frustrating when i'm trying to be nosy. and he tells me when he watches online porn, so he's not hiding that. he's not on facebook, believe it or not. either that he is on using a fake name, which i guess is very possible. what a mess!

My H told me last night about a couple where the wife found out about his affair, and friended the woman in real life. For four months. Best friends. Then, she was invited to their house for Thanksgiving, along with her family and his family. At the table, she had taped pictures of people to the bottoms of the plates. So, everyone was picking up their plates to see what pictures there were. Until someone (I forgot who) picked up theirs and saw an incriminating picture of her H and the OW. Wife then stood up, and told him all his stuff was packed and waiting for him in the garage. Goodbye.

Talk about fortitude!

Tell him you need to change a setting on the PC and it won't let you without the Admin rights. Do some research first to see which settings need Admin rights to do so.

trying for that...just gotta figure out why i would need to be using his computer and changing something...we are a family full of computers, so i've got 2 of my own to use to.

wow. that took alot of patience and planning. impressive. don't think i have all that in me!

The Voice Activated Recorder is your best bet, because they are obviously talking a lot.

In the meantime...Find out EVERYTHING you can about OW. Any ideas on how he knows her? Find out about her marital status, her family, etc. (for exposure later).

And start relieving the tension in your household! Get started on Plan A. Start meeting his top emotional needs. Usually for men, they are sex, admiration, and keeping the house in order.
Figure out what weak spot the OW is hitting. Probably admiring him. We tend to let that one slip after being together for so long -- but men usually need to be admired.

Think up some little chore you need help with -- then ooooh and awwww over him (be sincere...) Appreciate him.

You have to be cool here TM. No outbursts, don't confront until you KNOW. Otherwise he will just take things further underground.

""My H told me last night about a couple where the wife found out about his affair, and friended the woman in real life.""

You may want to snopes that one. I heard a variation where the pictures were under the chairs. And I think I found out it was all fiction.

Probably made up by an imaginative Betrayed Person.

kirk

Fiction or not, the possibility to pull it off is still there. I can't imagine a more impressive exposure. All in a couple minutes' time!