Me � BS age 54
WW � age 52
Together 34 years, married 30 years
OM was a boyfriend before we met
WW & OM contact at reunion 6-05
EA began 9-05
PA began 7-07
Dday / plan A 3-09
Plan B 9-17-09
WW moves in with OM 9-18-09

Been in Plan B about 2-1/2 months. WW sends a short email; I know I should have ignored it but I took the bait (the exchange is below � I�m not going to respond further). Within the span of 24 hours she has gone from wondering how I am to asking for a divorce. My gut says it�s fog � but how do you know when it�s fog and when it�s over?

WW
Just wondering how you are.

ME
I find I am quite capable of living by myself, taking care of the household alone, and doing some of the things I like to do. I have accepted that I have no control over being able to be with you, but that doesn't make it any less painful.

WW
I'm sorry.
I can't offer any excuses that you haven't already heard. I can't come back. I haven't got the ability to return to that world. I can't face you. I can't face the "friends". I'm not sure if I have "escaped" or if I just finally figured out what I can and cannot tolerate. Or choose not to tolerate. Or to find out in the way of something new and undiscovered. I haven't filed for divorce because I don't want to hurt you, but I guess living away from you hurts you anyways. I would say sell the house, but I don't want to leave you homeless. I don't have the energy to deal with divorce and sorting out stuff. I guess it's time to maybe do all of that. I don't want to come back. I am completely unsettled whenever I come to the house. I didn't even come by week before last -- when I went next door for my hair appt. I don't want you to hurt, so I don't face the issue head on. I ignore it for as long as possible. I suppose that I should stop that and allow us to each move on.

Let me go�.

My experience is anytime they are in contact with the OP, the fog talk is at it's best.

So are you supporting her?

STOP talking divorce with her.

But even before that...

Stop talking to her PERIOD.

You are in Plan B. Do you REALLY understand the purpose of Plan B.

First of all, you fed her a big piece of cake and she lavished it up. I hope you realize you shouldn't have broken Plan B. Please don't reply any further.

She is out of the fog when she has demonstrated (through actions, not just words) that she has met your Plan B conditions. I doubt your conditions were met in this email.

You should be blocking her emails. Your WW's comments are typical...it may be over, it may not be. First, you have to stop letting her mess with your head and not listen to her ramblings.

Fog is fog.

Either it will lift or not.

If it winds up to be over, it means the fog didn't lift. Pure and simple.

So, therefore, I say its fog. Don't listen to the fog and certainly don't take the proclamations of it as definite, factual truth.

I'm not supporting her; we both have fairly good incomes.

I know that I shouldn't have responded, but morbid curiosity got the better of me. I'm not talking divorce with her - or anything else for that matter. I know the purpose of Plan B is for me to heal, so I can be prepared for when Plan B ends - whichever direction that may be. This little exchange has not rattled me - I was pretty much expecting her response.

I suppose if WW is serious about divorce she'll take action.

Stop talking to her PERIOD.

You are in Plan B. Do you REALLY understand the purpose of Plan B.

EGG ZACHERY!!


You must stay totally dark.

To answer your question, she has been living with the low life for 2 months. Big time FOG...

She is a little drama queen, is she not??

Hopefully, with only the OM providing the ENs, including all the ENs you have been providing, the A will disintegrate. You show the PA went for about 2 years, so now they are enduring the day to day.

Since she is living with him, exposure is kind of self evident. Any other way to drive a wedge between them?

Do you even want to try?

kirk

I'm going to stay totally dark.

Don't know any way to drive a wedge between them - and don't know if I want to. If she's going to leave him it will be on her own, not because of anything I do. Complete exposure has had no effect. He has no family; his girlfriend dumped him shortly before Plan B.

Cake, cake, CAKE.

You've probably said it better than anyone I've read during my short time here.


So why don't you listen to your own advice? When you break the darkness, you go back to Square One. Why do that to yourself?

You say it did not rattle you, but I wonder.

The day my WW moved out, I was asked, "I see what the outside looks like, Fred. But what about the inside?"

What a histrionic drama queen/child. Just stay dark and do some soulsearching as to whether you really want to stay with someone this dumb.

Breaking NC was a brief moment of weakness. At least I had the sense not to take it any further. I don't think it's been a setback in my healing - but we'll see.

We all have set backs!

I have realized how some old cliches are so very true. In this case "You live, you learn".

You will think twice before another engagement back to her in B. This will be in your back of your mind to give you additional strength.

It is tough to fight the instinct to communicate directly sometimes!

Oh yes we do and we learn about ourselves and them through those.

You really are doing great.

What are you doing for YOURSELF today?

Pianoman,

The affair has been going on for over 4 years. That is 4 years of justification, rationalization, and obsufication (sp). It will not end anytime soon, if it ever ends. This is a long term affair and it is escapism.

I would stay in plan B, but I would also be looking at my options with regard to divorce. I have forgotten if you have children from this marriage, but is so, what are they saying and doing? Have you completely exposed this affair?

You have tools at your disposal. I am curious though. You say OM was boyfriend before you two met. That means before she was 18 right? Why didn't you go to the reunion with her or if you did what happened?

I have lots of opinions about this but I will keep them to myself. You over 6 months into this mess. Have you set a timeline for evaluation of your situation? Have you decided on actions and your own future if she does divorce you?

You need to be making plans for your life now. You need to work on any/all issues you may have brought to this marriage, and you need to stay dark. It will make it easier for her to carry on the affair, but she wasn't having much problem anyway as she did it for years and lied to you the whole time.

Now OM has to meet all of her needs. Maybe he can, maybe he cannot, but you need to remove yourself from meeting any of her needs now.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

No children. Affair has been completely exposed.

I went to the reunion. All 3 of us are musicians; we got together after the reunion to play. Then the 2 of them starting getting together without me - with my knowledge, and I had no problem with that. Both of us have worked with musicians of the opposite sex for a long time. About 3 months into the EA, I sensed it was happening. I asked her to stop seeing him, which she did for a short time. It started up again about a month later, in secret at first. The rest is history.

I've certainly considered the issues I've brought and I continue to work on them. When she was not craving for an OM fix, we were able to get along very well.

I've thought about divorce, but at this point I don't want one, so I'm not going to file for one now. I evaluate the situation every day, but I'll take a "harder" look at 6 months and one year from Plan B day. I have plenty to keep my life busy now. I know that in time I will heal and will enter a new relationship. It may be with WW (the old relationship is certainly gone), maybe someone else.

Maybe not a setback for you, but it let her know that there may be cracks she can exploit.

Double-up your efforts to stay dark.

If necessary, post messages to yourself by the phone, by the computer, by the mailbox: PLAN B = TOTAL DARKNESS

""I've thought about divorce, but at this point I don't want one, so I'm not going to file for one now.""

""and will enter a new relationship. It may be with WW (the old relationship is certainly gone), maybe someone else""

If you wish to go down the "someone else" road, you must go down the big D road first, yes??

kirk

Absolutely. I still take the vows seriously.

Pianoman, if the A has been going for 4 years I think you should move on. From the sound of it she is in the fog but the fog might never lift.
So after 4 years you are still giving her a chance? May I ask you why?
How can you go so long without the affection of a woman or even meet your sexual needs?
Also, and this applies also to myself...how can you still love her when she has not met your EN for so long. How can we still love our WS when they really are hurting us and not there for us....what is wrong with us....sometimes I think I am also messed up.
blessing

All good questions atena.

Plan B is the start of moving on. Even though the affair started 4 years ago, WW was with me until 10 weeks ago, meeting most of my needs albeit she was cake eating all that time. Love is a powerful and confounding thing. And it's a good thing; I can only imagine what the world would be like if we always lost our love as a result of the mistakes of others. It would make separation and divorce much simpler - I don't think that would be good.

I'm not ready to throw away a 34 year relationship quite yet. But I am starting to move on.