I discoverd on Monday that by husband has been having extensive phone contact with a woman a couple of states away for about 2 months now. I was totally blindsided finding this info, my husband has denied knowing her once (when we saw her number on our caller id), I haven't asked him again since I saw the calls between them on our cell phone bill. I've gotten the advice from here to dig for info, details, etc before confronting him...but it is hard! I was half considering just approaching him with the cell phone bill and asking "what is this?" but I managed to look at his cell phone before he went to work and he's got her number saved under a male name, plus he has deleted it from his call log when they have talked...so I know he will just say its some guy he used to know, blah, blah, blah. So I guess I'm going to have to get a VAR and actually listen to their converstations and approach him with that...but just the thought of that makes me want to cry. How do you guys get thru? How do you wait, just gathering evidence? I really just want to cry and cry, but i can't, my 16 month old son is home with me and that would just confuse him. Ugh.

It's the hardest thing you will ever do. But you CANNOT let him know you're onto him.

Do you have a close friend you can confide in? Come here and vent whenever you need to.

I am sorry you find yourself here, however you are in the right place.
You MUST gather more evidence before confronting him because if you confronted without more it will just drive the A further underground thus making it much harder to get the evidence you need.
I would suggest: putting a gps device on his vehicle, the VAR you have already mentioned, a keylogger on your computer and continue to watch the cellphone bill.
You need to find out who this OW is and whether or not she is married, etc. THEN and only then, confront and EXPOSE to everyone.
I know this is hard but please pull yourself together and be strong for YOU--you need to get all this evidence together first.

my close friends all live fairly far away from me and i don't want to talk about this over the phone. i may have a friend at work who would somewhat understand, but i won't work with her again till next week. i'm trying hard to keep my husband in the dark about me knowing, but it is so hard. hopefully i will get enough evidence to confront him soon.

And, you will get much support here. Please do not confront prematurely as Cate said. You need to have an arsenal before you start the fight and IMO you need more to stand on right now.

Tonysmom
If there is no one you can talk to, this is an excellent vent place and you will get great advice here. Hopefully, some of the vets will chime in soon but you need to put the devices that I mentioned above in place and then just wait. You will get what you need soon enough so just TRY to act normally so your H will not get suspicious that you are watching him.

Tonysmom, you may qualify for Best Actress award before you're done, but DON'T let him suspect that you're snooping! Be sweet, be charming, be loving, laugh & joke with him...vent here - it's going to be very hard to do, but all the snooping in the world is worthless if it just helps to make your H aware that you might be on to him and drives him underground.

If you are feeling weak, keep reminding yourself of the big picture...you want evidence so it isn't harder later. Go to Radio Shack and get the VAR in place ASAP. You might want to get a keylogger if WH uses a home computer or laptop.

The sooner you get the goods the sooner you can confront. I would not make this a long drawn out process because like you said it is hard. I got all my ducks in a row within a matter of days. If you have the number, you can call and hide your ID to see who picks up. If it goes to voicemail, you may get a name. Have you done a reverse search of the phone #? Do you know any woman (old GF, etc.) that lives in that area code?

tonysmom, just FYI, it's easier if you stick to one thread...some of the advice you are getting now is the same as the first thread.

I am kinda surprised you haven't already gotten the VAR, it's inexpensive and easy to install. Please don't put this off.

Did you ever go to intelius.org and pay to see who owns the cell phone? This is actually how I got info on both my H's OW.

If you alert your H to the fact that you are suspicious, he will just gaslight you and take everything underground. We have seen it over and over. Try hard to keep yourself busy with the kids, project, chores, etc when he is around and you feel yourself getting upset. This was what I did in Plan A (I am super emotional and it was a struggle every minute of every day to not scream, cry, etc). If those things don't work, take a shower, go to the gym, run an errand, etc. Hang in there!

I did a reverse lookup and background check, plus snooped on his cell phone, so I have her home and cell phone numbers, address, and I'm pretty sure I've got her email as well. Plus I think I know where she works. It looks like she is single, but of coure I don't know 100%. I have ordered a VAR, wanted to get one yesterday but getting out of the house and to the store proved to be impossible. As far as I know neither one of us knows anyone in her town and I don't believe she is a former girlfriend. She's about 10 years older then him, and based on my knowledge he's always dated people around his age. I'd love to do a keylogger but I don't have the password to his computer to be able to install anything. and I can't think of a reason to ask him for it, there's nothing on his computer that i would need access to that is not already on my computer and he knows it. at least i work tonight so our contact will be limited and I won't have to fake much.

If you have her address you can look up her property tax info and/or deed recording (assuming she owns) to see if anyone else is listed. As for the computer, would he let you use his if yours was "broken" ? I don't mean you really break it but you can take it in for servicing or something. If he refused to give you access or didn't allow you to have access without him being over your shoulder (so you'd have time to install the keylogger) that would be another . Avoid him as much as possible if you feel yourself slipping. You are doing fine.

good thinking, but my husband is an IT guy and does all the computer fixing/updating himself. its something i have to keep thinking about. i forgot about the looking up the tax info (funny, because i've been doing it so frequently since we've been looking to buy or rent another home and i want to verify owners and pricing). she lives in PA and it looks like not every county has their tax records online. i will keep digging. thanks for the encouragement.