I now see why you can only do Plan A for so long. I have a countdown of the days because sometimes it just seems too hard.

I also don't understand why I am more angry about the other things he does than about the fact that he had sex with her. I used to believe that that was what I wouldn't be able to get over, but that part is NOTHING compared to the fact that he spends time with her, tells her she's cute, tells her he loves him, etc. I guess it has something to do with my important ENs.

I am going to ride out this train and let's see what stops we make along the way. I just still have HOPE that the final destination is a healthier and happier M than before.

It's called a rollercoaster ride for a good reason.
Take care of yourself as much as possible, that tends to quiet your "taker" a little.
Your "taker" is not enjoying Plan A very much. So, take her out on a date (lunch mani/pedi, etc)

This is by far the hardest part of Plan A. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I want to start a thread on what can be on the other end of Plan A if a BW can hang in there...I haven't done that yet, but please believe that the payoff can be beyond your wildest dreams if you can hang in there.

But RIGHT NOW I know you are dying inside and I am incredibly sorry for that.

It's also the fact that when I do things for him that make him uncomfortable, ie touch him in ANY way, he pulls away from me. He has even stopped saying good night and sometimes he gets a bit snotty about things.

Today I had to endure a Children's Christmas Party with my MIL and SIL and of course WH. It was soooooo hard because it was the big pink elephant in the corner. WH was trying to get involved with the kids but they were more involved with me and I think it upset him a bit. I used to make sure they included him too but I don't go out of my way to do it anymore.

I don't know if that is the right thing to do but I figure it is time for him to make sure his relationship is good.

I do have a question about being in Plan B though. Should I still communicate with MIL and SIL in regards to the kids, like what they want for Xmas, bdays etc?

Sorry to ask so much but it totally goes against my instincts and I just want to make sure I do the best I can so no matter which way this ends up I will be able to say I have no regrets because I handled it the best way I knew.

Thanx
Today I started feeling a little better. Started the morning thinking I couldn't do the whole time I planned in Plan A and now I know I can.

Soon to come, Plan B letter draft (and plenty of questions about that one too)

Because you being in Plan A and behaving unexpectedly generous towards him makes HIM feel like a schmuck ! He's going to hate Plan B even more ... but you will not know that until later ... because you will be protected from knowing what mood he's in. It's common for Plan B wives to imagine that their waynerd is all sunshine and roses in Plan B - trust us - he's going to be happy for about 48 hours then he's going to be a buggar.


Right!


Yes!


When you are in Plan B you can communicate with them if you want to. It seems like you will want to.
However, make it clear to them that they are NOT to discuss WH or OW in your presence because you are not able to tolerate WH's adultery any longer and you will not allow discussions concerning WH or OW. They will need to be reminded a few times. Keep them in your camp , if possible. But always show your graceful wonderful side to them. It makes the waynerds look more stupid and selfish to their family.

LOL waynerds

Do any of you think it is appropriate for me to air some of my problems with WH behaviour over an email as he tries to ignore me all of the other time? I know that he called OW again while I was at work and even ignored our children to carry on conversation. He also started going out whenever he wants to and doesn't feel like he needs to tell me where he is anymore.

I know I have to tell him some things that worked in the marriage before and tell him that the things he is doing is hurting me but I am just not sure how to do it without going into R talk and how to do that when he doesn't want to let me fill any ENs. It seems to be getting worse but as I understand it it is because he is getting uncomfortable and trying to push me away.

I am reading more posts on MB and this is where all of the other questions arose from.

Start tucking notes in his stuff.
His glove compartment in the car.
His briefcase (if he has one).
The windshield.
His gym bag.

"Remember when we (insert happy memory). I was thinking about that day and I want to say, thanks for every happy moment we've shared."

This is war. Fire the guns.

Thanx Pepper. I will definitely do that. It is funny because even when he told me he was leaving I did tell him thank you for the good things in my life and that was before I found MB.

A little evil part of me hopes OW finds one of the letters and goes a little crazy about it. That is just my fun in my head sometimes when I am suffering. I guess whatever helps me get through another day of not going crazy.

One thing I did learn is how many GOOD friends I really do have.

Your panties in the passenger seat pocket of his car ... I'm just sayin'....

and ... touch him in his sleep (but resist the urge to inflict harm ! )

I left mine beside the bed in the motel room, and I know she found them. She stuffed them in the closet, along with my silky nighty that was under the pillow.

As to the phone conversations he's having, I think this late in Plan A it's ok to let it go. If you do say something, make it very short and still sweet. "I'd really appreciate it if you didn't talk to your adultery partner while the kids or I are around - thanks! Would you like some cheesecake?" Then don't bother to try and follow up. He'll still do it, but not as comfortably.

If you read the very first post on my thread, all the notes I left around were one of the few things that really made it through to my FWH even in the fog, though I had no idea at the time. They had no visible result during the A.

Let Operation Leaflet Bomb commence!

This is AWESOME advice it is making me GIDDY just reading these things to do. Is it wrong for me to enjoy this this much? NOPE hehehehehe.

I am brainstorming to figure out the best memories to put in the notes and the fun places to put them. He works at a call center and he wears a headset, which he brings home everyday. The first note I wrote I put in his headset box so when he took them out, at work, in front of her, since she sits right beside him, she would be reminded that I am still there.

I will be figuring out other places to put the notes and I am sure he will start checking things before he goes to work so he doesn't get in trouble. The pantie idea is a GREAT one. I am gonna get creative with that one.

I am starting to really get in to the angry stage of all of this but it's only because I am so hurt. I also feel like a real idiot. I mean I approached them about this many times over the last 2 years and I didn't handle it all that well because I was very jealous and my inner voice was telling me it was wrong but I kept believing him. I am partly mad at myself for not stopping it sooner but I did my best at the time. Now I am ready to do better since I have some training and good generals telling me how to win the war.

I'm sorry I haven't read your whole thread, can you give me a quick update on how long you are going to Plan A him?

I see in your sig line that he is planning on waiting until Feb. to move out. Why is he waiting? Personally, I think that is wayyyyy too long to Plan A him. You will have a nervous breakdown if you try it that long. Trust me because I did it and it wasn't worth it.

Every one is different in how long they can handle Plan A.

I did it for six months and it was actually, over all, quite a 'fun' thing to do.

You put your Taker in the background, ask it to watch the Giver do its stuff and have an 'enjoyable' time luring the wayward back towards intimacy from the far reaches of withdrawal (the three stages of marriage, intimacy, conflict, withdrawal).

Right now, concentrate on the notes, the smiles, the expressions of caring spousedom in a difficult situation and when the Taker gets too antsy, tell it that Plan B will come soon enough.

My 2 cents.

Whatever you feel.....do not lovebust. Do not. Do not. Do not.

I would warn you, however, do not 'shower' him with notes. That will seem forced and fake. If it's not something you've done before, I would do no more than one or two a week. So that it seems spontaneous.

My view of Plan a is, you are acting in ways you have learned and would like to act in a loving relationship. We call it Plan a when it is in this situation when your S is having an A and the feelings are not reciprocated. But think of the things you are changing about how you act and react, and what changes you will keep during recovery.

By keeping these thoughts in mind it made my actions more honest to me, and I'm sure to him also. These were real changes I was making. I was becoming more loving, and concentrating on showing him my love in the ways that spoke to him best, by fulfilling his top EN's.

The notes idea is a great idea. Any ideas you can do in a drive by fashion. A touch that is so fast he doesn't have time to flinch. Blowing a kiss, a wink, etc.

He has made up his mind to make the OW his GF and to cast off his W. He would feel he is cheating on her if he is affectionate with you. But he hasn't REALLY made the decision firm, because he is still there. He is probably telling her all kinds of lies, about not loving you anymore, how you don't sleep together, that you don't kiss or hug him, and he is trying to make these lies the truth.

So you keep up with the affection. And here is the fun part, you seduce him back... You did it once, you can do it again...

.

This is very true, so the key is to not let the lies he is telling her become true. I vividly remember this happening when I was in Plan A.

<We were in a FR so I did not KNOW the A was still on...I didn't know WHY things were still so bad, but in hindsight it was because he was TRYING to make these lies true. I am VERY THANKFUL that I didn't know the A was still on because this made it easier to Plan A him. It's much harder to keep on a good Plan A and not LB when you are dealing with an active A and you KNOW it.>

Anyways...my Plan A worked tremendously well. I became the girl he fell in love with years ago and that was MUCH more appealing than the alternative.

To give you some hope...my DH is very much in love with me today, and I am certain it is because during my Plan A I LEARNED how to meet his needs and truly be someone he does not want to be without.

OK firstly, I am only intending to do Plan A for about a week and a half upon Pepperband's suggestion that I ask him to leave before Xmas and move into a Dark Plan B. I know the affair is active and I also know that he is trying desperately to move away from me totally. While we were out yesterday I just moved my foot to touch his and he moved 2 feet away. Then our legs accidentally touched when we sat down and he made sure he picked up his chair and moved 6 inches away. I wanted to yell at him so badly but I kept it in. It's like he doesn't want to cheat on HER. That drives me insane.

I am a person who tends to wear my emotions on my sleeve. My WH used to joke that if I were ever to leave him he would know why because I wouldn't be able to keep it in.

I am finding it quite difficult to Plan A because I am getting hurt over and over again by his actions. He is closing me out and my taker is getting really angry. When I feel like that I just remove myself until I feel like I can keep it under control.

I do realize how Plan A is showing me what I am going to do in Recovery(if I can get us there). I am actually finding that I can do these things without totally hating them. Most of the things, I used to do before kids but I focused too much on them. That isn't a regret I have I just wish I would have spent some more time on myself and my M.

WH actually said to me a few months ago while we were shopping in a furniture store, that the sales people were approaching me and not him because I was looking older. I told him that one of us had to grow up. I had noticed he was acting like a rebellious teenager and it was driving me nuts. He was complaining about me looking through his things, asking him where he was and asking him to take on responsibilities in the house. I now know these were all signs of his affair.

I am doing my best to fill ENs and it feels like it isn't working. I am just going to do my best and hope that somewhere in there my H still exists.

It hurts sometimes too because I was his first GF and he is now doing to her what he did for me. Sometimes it makes me scared that they will stay together and they will be happy. I can't wait around for him I am just going to focus on myself and the kids when I am in Plan B and see what happens. I am glad that I found MB and I know that no matter what I will get through this.

HOPE AND FAITH is all I have left

You exposed at the workplace right ???
Were there no repercussions for WH or OW ?

If I remember correctly, you are the BS that has not been able to expose on the OW's side.
Is there no one at the workplace that could give you some info on this POSOW ?