We have been married for almost 10 years. 2 years ago we moved to the district where we wanted to raise our children, DD3, DS5. Last year my wife was offered a position in the school district where we live and we jumped at it because she would no longer have a commute and be in the same schools as our children, great schools! Last fall we went through a massive renovation of our home which I managed and as well as two companies I own. The economy hasnt been kind to either businesses recently so money was tight. Last fall my W began her new position in the local schools and in Jan she told me she we having an EA with a co-worker. It got bad, I exposed to all our family and we began MC, although she wanted nothing to do with it. By April she had committed to our marriage, however, as you know I was struggling big time with her still working there. In may she had to decide weather to she should sign a new contract and because of money issues and our children and finally being in the location we always wanted We decided she should sign, this is obviously before I found MB. All summer I was so angry and the LBs were pouring out of me like water, I didn't want her to go back, and over the summer she offered not to go back and said she would do it with a happy heart. She had no contact all summer and during we found out that the OM was known in the dsitrict someone who hit on anything that walked. This really seemed to open her eyes to the situation and the "fog" lifted. She told me and others on several ocassions that she knew he would not make her happy and that she needed to focus on us.

In september things got really bad for me and the LBs were still flowing, I started IC and meds and she went back to work. A couple weeks into school she said ILYJNILWY and I asked her to leave her job and she said she couldn't choose me over the job. She was really excelling at work and becoming well respected in the community for you passion and work with the children. She was finding her joy in her work because I certainly wasnt giving it to her. She insists to me and everyone that OM has nothing to do with it and he is irrelevant. She said I havent been meeting her ENs for a long time and she doesnt know if her feelings will ever return. She started IC a month ago and after her third session with a christian conselor she came home and said she needed her space and wasnt getting it at home so she needed to move out for a bit to see if she would miss me. I was so tired and fed up that I told her to go, and I love her. She didnt think she could leave the kids and wanted to see them everyday and I said no, if you are going to move out we are going to treat this like a S or a D, you ca see the kids for half the week and every other weekend. She left on Sat morning and went to her christian aunts for the day and then spent the night at her sisters and was home on Sunday morning saying that she was coming home for the kids and that hopefully her feeling would return over time. Since she left I found MB and stopped the LB's, started working hard on myself and stopped linking my happiness to her. I dont feel the OM is a threat at this point and think her eyes are wide open to OM true colors. I have been snooping and dont see any evidence of contact outside that required for the job. She is in the same building as OM 2.5 days per week and is extremely busy and says that any interaction between them is professional only and if I were present I would approve. For the past couple weeks I have been in plan A without the NC thing and things are really pleasant at home. She is initaiting contact with me more, sharing, seeking my presence, etc. I wish I would have found MB last year, and I understand the NC thing and exposure and wish I would have exposed at work last year, however, I now feel the opportunity is past and exposing at work would only hurt us at this point. We really need the money and my wife has felt controlled by me for a long time and for me to expose now would be viewed as controlling. Of course I would prefer she not work with him, but we really need the money but unless she comes to the conclusion that she should leave, I dont want that ganging over my head as a resentment from her.

Soory for the long intro, seeking support and fellowship. I have read many posts and it has given me a great hope, just feel really stuck and conflicted with the NC thing

Dear Cantakeit,

I have only one piece of advice for you:

Listen to the veterans on here. Read everything they suggest. Do everything they say. You might get conflicting opinions on some issues, but there will be unanimity on some items. Pay particular attention to those (you will quickly recognize them).

I repeat: DO EVERYTHING THEY SAY. It is your only hope. There will be suggestions that go against your natural grain. Do them anyway. Do NOT try to second-guess.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish I'd found this place earlier. But since I have, I have found more peace for myself, strength and self-esteem than I did just a few short weeks ago.

I don't know how your situation will resolve itself. I don't know how mine will, either. But I do know (and this is the magic of this place) that I will come out of it whole and stronger.

You're here. I'm sorry that it's come to that, but it's quite evident you should be here. Good luck. Eyes forward, feet moving in the same direction...

Thanks Fred! I have already found more peace then I have known through this whole mess. I am beginning to see it as a blessing, however, I need to be able to look into my chidlren's eyes and stay I did everything possible to keep our family together. I now see I have a long road ahead but I will be better for it. I pray you and your WW

Can any vetrans offer guidance or a starting point, do I need to provide more information? Thank you !

This has all the of an A.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B, as those are what you can control on your end.

She will need to quit her job before you can recover, but now is not the time to point that out. It will do no good to try and convince her while she is still getting her fix every day. Once in a great while you can interrupt your no-relationship-talk rule to calmly tell her, "It hurts me terribly when you go to work every day and see OM." Then move the subject on to something else.

After such a long time, I would be shocked if this was not a full-blown A. Be prepared for that possibility, and then if it turns out not to be you can be happily surprised.

Your W is more than likely in an active A. Click every link on this site and begin to educate yourself on A's and how to end them.

My main suggestion - keep reading the posts and articles here. There is invaluable information in them.

Three items that you need to learn more about:

1. Snooping: there should be nothing of your W's that you cannot snoop into and check out; email accounts, cell phone accounts, checking/savings accounts, her work email if you can get into it. Look into GPS systems, keyloggers, VARs to plant in her car to record her personal conversations when she thinks she's alone. Don't confuse privacy and secrecy. She can have privacy when she's in the bathroom (without her cell phone). That's about it. Snooping will help you to determine whether or not there is an actual A going on. Don't let her know you're doing it, and try to keep your cool while you do it, so you don't tip your hand and drive her underground.

2. Exposure: If/when you have identified that there is an A going on, be ready to expose it to anyone who can help put pressure on the two of them to end it. Employers, relatives, friends, FaceBook friends of both parties, children, etc.

3. No Contact (NC) for life: If this is actually an affair (and I believe it probably is) the two will need to never see each other again after exposure. This means that at least one of them will have to transfer or quit their job. This is something that many BS don't want to have happen because of financial issues, but it is absolutely the only way for the A to end permanently.

Do not believe anything your W may tell you right now unless you can independently verify it. WS are notorious for lying while swearing on their mother's graves.

Can you break up your first post into more paragraghs?

It would make it alot easier to read.

Reading my post I agree, it so looks like that. However, there is physically no time for this to take place and I have no evidence that it is. Are you saying I shoudn't expose at work? When she is not at home she is at school or with family and friends (verified) and this year at school she has played the role of a student teacher with this girl following her around everyday, I just dont see how she could be. I see the phone records, email(she doesn't know) and she doen't use a computer outside of school unless she is with me.

I wish I had a nickel for every BS I've heard of who swore their WS couldn't possibly be in an A because they didn't have time.

Cantakeit, WS can be surprisingly adept at lying, deceiving and hiding their A.

Don't be so certain that she "doesn't use a computer outside of school." And even school computers can be used to conduct illicit affairs.

Does she have a web-based email account (Yahoo!, Hotmail, etc.)? It doesn't take a dedicated computer to access those accounts. Perhaps she has a second cell phone you don't know about.

You need to become Sherlock Holmes: When you have ruled out the impossible, anything left over must be possible. And you must rule out the impossible, not just take it for granted.

When I was actively snooping, my heart beat so fast as I was photographing the text messages on her cell phone (which rarely left her side -- a give-away there, btw) while she was showering. I planted a GPS on her car to find out where she was spending her time (and in conjunction with Google Maps, found the exact address!) I ran reverse phone lookups, background checks, checked her email -- and felt like cr@p the entire time I was doing so.

But the folks here kept advising me, and they were absolutely right! I continue to read and heed. The fact is, when we're in the middle of the roller-coaster ride, we're not capable of making good decisions. So let the people here help you make them.

Her eyes may be "wide open", but she still can't see for chit b/c the FOG from the A is blocking her vision.

There's a reason Dr. Harley insists on NC for life!

Ignore the advice at your own peril.

I have been deligent about snooping since it started. She leaves her phone laying around and she is teribble with computers, she just learned how to do attachments and her only other email address is through my business and I have the password. I will remain deligent and let you know what I find.

She had a real awkening this summer with the Lord and I really think she is struggling because she wants those feeling back, but doesnt know how to get them back. I am not taking things for granted, this just feels very different then last spring.

She is extrememly vested and active with our children and they are not being neglected like I have heard with other WW. I have hd friends of hers that she confided in share with me because they feel our marriage is more important then their friendship, and everyone of them to a T has told me that he is not an issue. I am not and will take things for granted.

She has even offered up that the holiday party at the school includes spouses this year, should we go so I can see the dynamic?

She's got you just where she wants you.

You've accepted HER label as "controlling husband" and have agreed to do nothing that she may deem controlling.

Isn't Plan A about not trying to control and focusing on my behavior?

Sure, but one must first know the difference between controlling/agressive behavior and assertive behavior.

Exposure is NOT controlling. It is the stick part of Plan A.

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Sigh. I think my M may be doomed in large part because I didn't have the time necessary to work Plan A. Only a few days and then (due to legal separation agreement) went right into Plan B.

Time will tell...

The words I highlighted in blue are some of the best wayward BS I've heard. There is no way I believe you thought that up yourself. That was fed to you by your clever WW, who knows exactly how to get the focus off of her continued contact w/ OM, while blaming you for not making her feel joyful.

That's pretty damned good if after a mere few weeks she was "becoming well respected in the community for her passion and work with the children."

I am always concerned when somebody "Gets God" - eventually the high of conversion, or 'awakening' eases back into everyday life, and that can be depressing for some people.

Your comments seem to tie up too many loose ends waaay too neatly. Read your original post again:

A couple weeks into school she said ILYJNILWY and I asked her to leave her job and she said she couldn't choose me over the job.

She was finding her joy in her work because I certainly wasnt giving it to her.

She said I havent been meeting her ENs for a long time and she doesnt know if her feelings will ever return. But...in April she'd recommitted to your M.

She started IC a month ago and after her third session with a christian conselor she came home and said she needed her space and wasnt getting it at home so she needed to move out for a bit to see if she would miss me. You don't work on issues apart, you work on them TOGETHER. Dr. Harley says he's seen it plenty of times - a spouse wants to leave when there's a lover waiting in the wings.

She is in the same building as OM 2.5 days per week and is extremely busy and says that any interaction between them is professional only and if I were present I would approve. There's a sad joke we tell on this site, cant, and it goes like this: How do you know when a wayward spouse is lying? Because their lips are moving.

We really need the money and my wife has felt controlled by me for a long time and for me to expose now would be viewed as controlling.
Don't you need your M more? And just how long has it been since your W has been accusing you of being controlling? Since she started at the new school and met the OM?
My FWH's affair partner suddenly started accusing her H of being too controlling...right after the EA began and she started wanting to meet my H alone after work. Her H didn't feel comfortable with that, so that made him 'controlling'. Yeah, right.

Many BS have a tendency turn away from what is obvious, because confronting the obvious is too painful. Be careful of that, cant. You first post clearly shows that your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.

A couple weeks into school she said ILYJNILWY and I asked her to leave her job and she said she couldn't choose me over the job.


Can I see a show of hands, please: How many of you can't choose between your spouse and your job?