I have a good friend whose H had an A and is struggling with the type of S her DH had with the XOW. It has been six month for her and she is really having a hard time dealing with the fact that they had anal S. She feels badly because she has been M a long time and she has never done that with him and she doesn't plan to do it. She feels like her H and the XOW shared something that she will never share with him. I also struggled with whether the S was hotter with my DH and XOW for a long time and I don't know how I finally got over that hump. One day I just came to indifference and decided that I was doing the best that I could to satisfy my DH sexually and if some skanky, loose woman could give a better BJ than me and so be it. If he couldn't appreciate a loving W who shares everything with him so be it. That's not a good thing to tell a BS who is only six months past D-Day.

Can either of you FWH give me something to tell my friend to reassure her? As a BS we always think our H had mind blowing S with the XOW. My DH told me that S with his XOW was really quick, uncomfortable and he showed no passion with her. He told me over and over and over again how passionate what we had was and one day after one of the many amazing experiences with him I finally realized that no other woman could fill my DH senses and satisfy him the way I could.

Please help.

I have been w/ quite a few women. Its almost ALL the same believe it or not. There is just only so much that you can do from a females standpoint to distinguish yourself. I would think its the men who have a lot more variability(especially if he is older and things don't work as well). Thats what I've been told. I have no desire for anal anything and like I said, I've had a lot of women. DUDE

How's this for really sick and stupid. As far as I'm told, H never had sex with OW. He still maintains it was EA. Since 2000 miles separated them except for one weekend, I hold on to some hope that this is true.

But that didn't stop them from all sorts of cyber and phone sex. And after I hacked into his account, I read all of it. And you know what? He told her what *I* liked and how mind-blowing SF with me was and then encouraged her to loosen up a bit.

Well, I was beyond furious that he shared some very personal things about me with the skank. And then used that info to try to get her to stretch her wings. She of course, claimed to him that she was dead sexually until HE came along and reawakened her (insert barf icon here...).

So I share that with you as yet another viewpoint that S with the OW is not all it's cracked up to be in our BS minds.

Tell her she is focusing on the wrong thing. What makes sex great is not the actual ACT, but the feelings the partners have for each other. She has the ability to create a romantic marriage that is beyond anything that was done in the pig pen with 2 pigs. She needs to stop reducing herself to a competition with a pig. And in this case, a pig in a SEWER.

cobolgirl, FWIW,

This was also an issue that my W strugged with. Not so much the issue of different acts as such --actually, OW & I didn't do anything that W & I hadn't done-- but fundamentally, the basic, profound insecurity of wondering whether she was "better" than my OW, and the sense that things she'd shared with me were no longer "exclusive" to her (aside from some high-school petting, I had no other S partners prior to M). And of course the whole rotten hell that I put her through with images & just wondering what OW & I must've done, etc.

The thing is, I think the idea that "S is always better in an affair" than in a marriage is way off-target. It's not the S itself, it's the context that can make it temporarily seem better, when seen through the warped lens of an affair. I'll explain, at least from my (sordid) experience (and I apologize in advance, b/c I know this stuff has got to be tough for any BS to read. Get your 2x4s ready):

Objectively, my OW wasn't "better" than my wife in most ways that people think of. She was what most people would consider pretty, but not more so than my wife. As far as my tastes were concerned, she wasn't as femininely curvy as I prefer (my wife is perfect in this area), and (sorry to be crude) OW was flat-chested. She certainly wasn't any more creative (unless one considers going outside of marriage as "creative"). In some specific ways, OW even didn't know what she was doing as well as my wife did. Really. And there were no ways in which OW was better, speaking in terms of particular acts/techniques, etc. Maybe not worse, but not better.

But as I told my wife several months after my A. when we were discussing this after a particularly wrenching session with our MC, the areas where OW had a temporary advantage was in her eagerness & level of interest during the A., and in the communication that we had during the A. Frequency was also an issue, and for a few weeks, OW pulled ahead in that category. But these things aren't about the acts, but rather, they're contextual, i.e., they're about the context in which the acts occurred. In the temporary context of my A., OW & I were sharing (talking about) our thoughts & feelings, we were paying attention to each other's every word, we were proactively valuing the limited time we had available to spend with each other. Some of y'all may take issue w/ me for saying this, but while SF was a big part of the affair once it turned physical about halfway through, it really, honestly wasn't just about the SF. (If that'd been the case, I could've rented somebody, but even in the worst depths of my A., the thought of that would've made me puke then, as it does now. Just as the thought of my A does now.)

ANYWAY (and I hope this gets at some of the reassurance you were asking about), the good news is, the contextual stuff isn't anything that an OW has an exclusive on. The thing that makes S mind-blowing (or not) is the context that both partners help to create. For an FWH, this means voicing the ways in which W is better & always was better, providing verbal reassurance, & being proactively attentive to her desires; but it also means spending plenty of 1-on-1 time just conversing, communicating, hanging on your wife's words; complimenting her & meaning it, and building up the feeling of closeness whenever you can, even when you've got your clothes on. Your friend's H can do these things if he wants. I'd never thought of the Harley 4 rules (time, honesty, protection, care) as being SF advice, but they actually are: If he spends time with her, giving her his full attention, closness can happen. If he's honest, communication happens & deepens. If he shows care for her in many ways, she'll probably be more eager for him, and if he protects her feelings, she'll feel more confident. And all of that stuff goes into making S better.

I know, there's an old tongue-in-cheek saying to the effect that "For guys, the best S is always the most recent." I don't know how much truth there is to that, but all I can say is that today, when I recall being w/OW, I literally shudder & cringe. Big-time "Yuck, OMG, I can't believe I did what I did,and I hate that I did what I did." And meanwhile, S with my W is mind-blowing, every time. That's something that W & I have created & nurtured back from the brink of death, to now being better-than-ever. The feelings of being wanted & of being pursued don't fall down from the sky, they CAN be cultivated. Passion & chemistry don't just happen randomly, they CAN be created.

So I don't know if that helps any for your friend, but I hope she won't get too down just assuming that everything must've been "better" with her H & his OW. At least based on my experience, that's not necessarily the case by any means.

That actually makes me feel better believe it or not
I think what I have problem with is that WH had phone sex with one woman 2 months ago and quiet extensive I believe from looking at the phone bill - I am not sure if I ever forget that as we have never done it.

Gloveoil, thank you for your post. Although my question was for my friend, I too struggled with what your BS struggled with. My DH says the same thing with the exception of being able to talk to the XOW; I didn't believe him but after reading your post it is almost exactly what he said about me knowing his body better and him being more comfortable with me which makes our love making better. I have always wanted to please my DH and I have always pulled out all the stops for him in and out of the bedroom because I love him so much, but I have struggled since his A.