hi. rich here 48. wife 40 m 10 years , together 11. have on stepson 19. wife told me love but not in love. she's strayed i'm sure on occasion last 2 years. she saw a psych who said she's confused and immature. oct 1 she moved out for supposedly 2-3 months to think. She admitted to having a male in south america (where she is from orig. 20 years ago) with whom she had affair with on a trip there. She moved back in 12 days after she left and said she loves me and wants to work on things. we never fight nor have financial woes. we have a nice little life but she's always bored and thinks there's more to life . for 2 weeks after she came back after moving out with only a suitcase, she was doing all the right things. but i noticed she's still in contact with this guy. he has no visa and can never come here. i try, try!! to ignore this chalking it up to fantasy but have seen and heard explicit stuff. last week we found out she is pregnant. I am almost 100% sure it's mine. the timing makes sense (about 3 weeks prgnant) . neither of us wants another kid. she wants to terminate but i said we could keep the child if we could work things out. She is very upset and does not want to have it. It seems that since sunday when we found out she's gone very dark on me. She does not want to talk about us or anything. My adviser told me NOT to try to force communication. But i'm dying here for something....I don't know what to do???? sorry to ramble but i am physically sick with nausea. thanks, richs61

rich,

I would guess that your wife conceived the child when she was away from you for those 12 days in October. That is why she is adamant about an abortion; if the South American man looks quite different from you, then the baby is not going to look like your other children. She cannot hope to pass the baby off as yours and that is why she is adamant about an abortion.

You say she is about 3 weeks pregnant and that is how you can work out that is it yours. How do you know that she is 3 weeks (I think you mean overdue)? The only way to fix the date right now is for her to tell the doctor the date of her last menstrual period, and she could falsify that date. I might be wrong, but I don't think an ultrasound scan would have been performed so early in the pregnancy, unless there was a reason to suspect a problem.

If he was unable to go to your country (the USA?) during the time she was away, then she visited him. But on that note: why is he unable to get a visa? How did you find out this information? Did your wife relay it to you? What is the problem with the visa? Does he have a criminal record, or are nationals from his country not given visas to your country?
....

Are you able to spy on her communications with this man? Does she use email to contact him?If so, you should download a keylogger for your PC and read their correspondence. If she uses her mobile phone, you have to get a look at the messages. You should hide a digital voice recorder where ever you think she uses her phone;in the car, for example. You must find out SECRETIVELY the nature of their contact. Your marriage cannot survive continued contact. You must not get caught spying, or your access to her secrets will end.

When you do manage to see their communications, do not reveal how you found it. If you do, she will simply open a new account, put a password on her phone or buy a secret phone and carry on the contact.

With some firm evidence, you can tell her that you know there is still contact and work on Plan A. Plan A is designed to make the marriage more attractive to her and to encourage her to end the affair. It might work on its own, but you might have to separate from her in Plan B and have no contact with her, until she ends the affair and commits to your marriage.

Does anyone apart from your advisor know of the affair? Once you have more information about contact, you should inform people who are close to you both, who might be able to bring pressure on her to commit to the marriage and end the affair. I don't know whether other people here would advise exposing the affair right away, even without further evidence of contact. I would wait for a few more responses on this before you do anything.

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Spying on her communications might reveal whether the baby is OM's. How will you feel if you find out that it is his?

thankyou. i am in the usa, CT. we do have a 19 boy, my stepson.She concieved after her period oct 15. The doctor verified the fetus is about three weeks. She told me about the guy this summer. She has not left the country. He can not get a visa from this south american country. I know someone who knows him from there. No money, poor job, no visa is granted.She was pretty clear about her interest in this guy and said she needed to make a decision. two months ago she said she was not going to continue with him. but i know she has gone back on that. My adviser is a pscych. she thinks maybe to let the dust settle rather than attack her with ultimatums. but how do i know when the time is right. i really believe she loves me but i guess i dont excite her . my hope would be she wakes up , ends this phone affair, and trys to make us work. we have almost twelve years, no fighting. we vacation, dinner , movies, give each other massages, cuddle watching tv, even work together with a small home office. The psychiatrist said shes confused and immature. but what do i do?? plan a , ithink i've been doing this all along, I THINK. Even she tells her friends i'm a great guy. She told me 4 weeks ago that she doesnt know why she is self sabotaging our relationship. she said maybe she doesn't deserve me. I don't know what to do. We are not wealthy, but there is no struggle with work, kids, parents, etc... in fact , our life is relatively easy and care free compared to everyone else. thanks for listening!!

I AM AFRAID however to do anything now as she seems more sullen and low than usual...could be the pregnancy or possible hormone inbalance at this time ?

wife told me love but not in love.

She admitted to having a male in south america (where she is from orig. 20 years ago) with whom she had affair with on a trip there. She moved back in 12 days after she left and said she loves me and wants to work on things.

we have a nice little life but she's always bored and thinks there's more to life.

but i noticed she's still in contact with this guy.

i try, try!! to ignore this chalking it up to fantasy but have seen and heard explicit stuff.

It seems that since sunday when we found out she's gone very dark on me. She does not want to talk about us or anything. My adviser told me NOT to try to force communication.

today my wife told me she wishes she could just disappear or go away. she said she likes to be by herself.

She has many times cited boredom in the marriage.

She said we are like best friends, brother and sister.

I'm not bad looking and in pretty good shape, well groomed etc.. BUT TODAY>>> for the first time, she Actually said that SHE BELIEVES that because she doesn't feel like she wants to rip my clothes off shes not a normal or good wife.

I THINK she has maybe unreasonable expectations of what she should feel?? I told her i can give her time and space whenever she needs, just say so. I too like space and my own time. I'm hoping this job (her first in many years outside of our home business) will give her some seperation and newfound independance which will help the marriage. She REALLY FEELS there is something very wrong with her, and this is severely affecting us. Again..this is the first time she has told me how she feels on this level.