My husband had an EA with one of his employees a year and half ago. He has since refused to fire her 'because she did nothing wrong except be there for him'. We did have problems in our marriage mostly due to financial struggles and stress of a large family. I felt our marriage was over and said so many times which he blames as his turning to her. He swears it was never physical and claims it is over, but she is still his employee! He sees her and spends more time with her than me and the kids and I just can't move on. Why? He disagrees strongly with the 'total separation' that Dr. Harley suggests, as I am sure most who stray do. I just don't know how to heal and move on. I have horrible nightmares almost every night and I am just a wreck even after all this time. We did marriage counseling for a year and basically were told to move on because nothing changed. He wouldn't get rid of her, again she did nothing wrong, and I couldn't move on and stop hurting so nothing he was suggesting us to do was working. We have seven children and they are 10 and under in age, I really want my marriage to work but don't know how. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can possibly move forward and accept her being employed by him. He has a business partner who also would never have agreed to firing her but I believe that needs to happen. Am I wrong? Is he right that I can move on and accept this someday and to just 'hang in there'?? Also, he has refused since day one to not give me access to any of his email or phone records so that I can check up on him. He claims I will 'either trust him or not'. Is that ok? I want to trust him but I just don't know how. Someone please give me advice to save this marriage. I come from a divorced family and I do not want my children to have to go through this. If I am the one wrong here and being selfish in wanting her out of his life please tell me and I will accept that. I just need help and honesty. Thanks in advance to anyone who can help me.

I would go into Plan B. Your marriage will never make it this way. You will die a slow death of a thousand cuts watching your H go to work every day with his mistress. Your H is the alcoholic who still drinks but just changes the names of his drinks to "business drinks."

Have you exposed the affair to everyone?

Your H has no interest whatsoever in recovering his marriage and his behavior amounts to nothing more than ABUSE. He continues his affair at work and he continues to hide things from you, as evidenced by his refusal to be transparent.



How can you possibly trust an untrustworthy person? Trust has to be earned and he has not done that. You would be crazy to trust an untrustworthy person. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

Also, you may want to consider changing your screen name. There is someone else with an almost identical name and there are about 200 names that start wtih "hurtin..." folks will lose track of you quick with that name.

hurtin, another suggestion would be to try counseling with Steve Harley on the phone. He can sometimes bring these waywards on board. You might try that before you go into Plan B.

I did expose to my family and his business partner. He told one of his brothers. I know all of what you are saying it's just so hard, especially with all the kids. I haven't read the book since I first discovered the A so I will have to go and refresh on the plan a and b stuff. I will also research the counseling on the phone with Harleys. I just don't want to leave this legacy to my kids but I feel I am already dying the slow death you mentioned! Thanks for the advice on username I will try to figure out how to do that. Very new here so just trying to figure out what/where all is.

The OW DID do something wrong - she had an affair with her employer, a married man.

This is a worst-case scenario for recovery if ever I've heard one. Your WH has betrayed your sacred marriage vows, abused you terribly, and now tells you that he expects you to deal with the tragedy on HIS terms. He is not remorseful, he is not willing to create any type of safety for your emotional well-being and for the health of your M. His audacity leaves me (almost) speechless.

You don't know how to heal because he is digging at this open wound every minute of every day by continuing to employ his affair partner. You CAN'T heal under these circumstances. Counselling under these circumstances will do no good, either, as you have discovered.

If your H is unwilling to work to regain your trust, and is not remorseful for his acts, you should consider leaving him. Mel is right: Plan B.

Do you want your children to learn that it's okay for Daddy to run around with other women? Is that the lesson you want them to learn at your knee? Yes, it's hard with kids. But you don't want them to watch you die a slow emotional death, either. Daddy has betrayed them as well as betraying you. You need to be their rock and show them that you aren't afraid to do the right thing.

I understand you don't want your children to be from a broken home. If you don't do something about this, you will suffer emotional and physical problems, though. Women have nervous breakdowns from living with this kind of abuse, hc. If that happens, your children have no one except a very wayward father who cares little for his family.


You can change your screen name under "my stuff" and then go to preferences, I think. It is extremely easy.

I think your best bet is counsel with Steve Harley from Marriage Builders. He won't counsel you together at first but will assess your situation and then give you an ACTION PLAN. He will probably ask to speak to your H and get him to agree to an action plan. And if he argues with Steve about this, he is going to get HAMMERED. Steve has awakened many WS's.

I'm sorry you are here hurting. Look at the snippets of what you wrote below:




Honey, he's still in an ACTIVE affair. It likely is physical but it doesn't matter. He's actively cheating on you. I agree with Mel - start preparing for Plan B.

No, because you can't. YOU CANNOT BEGIN TO RECOVER FROM HIS A WHILE THEY ARE STILL IN CONTACT



Whether his business partner agrees or not, your WH should be in NC with his A partner. Your WH needs to make sure that YOU feel safe in your M



NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
You will NEVER be able to accept this. He needs to look out for you



If he will not give you total access, then he is still having an A. Either with this OW or someone else.

I agree with Mel.....I would kick him out and got to Plan B. Go see a lawyer and she what your options are.

I can tell you from experience, you will never even begin to start healing from this while your WH is still in contact with this SOW (skanky Other Woman)

Exactamundo... The affair is still very active.

wow! i'm not quite sure what to say. i'm thankful that the way i feel isn't wrong, but scared because of everything you all say. i want to believe him but i don't want to be abused either. the last thing i would ever ever want is to show my children to live and accept this. they know nothing of what is going on detail wise with us just that we argue alot which kills me just as much they have to see that, but i just am so angry and bitter with him it comes out that way. i am just so scared. seven children is alot and i don't know how i would survive on my own. i just really want to trust him. i know he's a good father and a good man in that he takes really good care of us and he's always been a huge help around here with the kids and things but he just will not remove her from his life, he swears nothing is going on and that he is here and she is with her husband living her life and she just works there. i don't know i am just so hurt and confused.

Has this been exposed to OWH?

My H says that OWH knows and was fine with them "talking" endless hours on the cellphone. I have threatened to call him and make sure he knows the full extent but H reassures me he does and was fine with it. I have tried to find a number for the man but can't. I don't know how to get in touch with him if his number isn't listed?? any ideas??

Can you ask a friend to follow her home one night? Find out where he lives and pay OWH a visit.

I knew a couple who were in the same sitch. (Only one child, not seven) The wife allowed her WH so much space to conduct his A that the OW ended up moving in with them. And yes, he took turns with both of them - Mon & Tues he slept with W, Wed & Thurs the OW, etc.

Because the BW was afraid to lose the little bit that she had.

I wonder whatever happened to that couple. (It's not me, btw)

Why don't you just go to the office and ask her for her information? Don't you know her last name? Start calling every listing with that name until you find him.

btw,

I GUARANTEE he doesn't know.

Google their names to see what comes up. With a little diligent searching you should be able to find out at least where he works.

Trust me, he is NOT fine with them "talking" or anything else. You need to contact him. He needs to be aware of this threat to his M. He will also be a valuable aid to you to help break up this affair.

Hurting,

You really do need to get your ducks in a row and figure out how you can Plan B your WH.

You have endured far too much already. And your WH has no intention of ending his abuse of you.

Please listen to the others. This poor man has no idea, I'm sure.

If you have the cell phone no, you can go to intelius.org and pay a little amount of money to get the name and address of the person who owns the cell phone. I got info on both my OW this way. It cost about $15 but that was two years ago.

btw ~ I agree with the others about getting Plan B lined up and ready to go if your H won't stop this abuse. You are suffering some symptoms of PTSD it sounds like (nightmares, anxiety) and from what I have seen in the past here, the longer BSs who endure these situations, the harder it is for them to get themselves out of it.

Hang in there & keep posting!

And don't let your WH find this place. Be sure to delete your history from your computer, so he can't trace you back to this thread.