Hi Folks,
Back in mid 2004, I was a newbie on the MB board. I was presented with one of life�s greatest curve balls, as is the case for many of you. I was totally unprepared for what I was presented with and I had no idea how to deal with it. It was all consuming and nearly drove me over the edge on several occasions. I had no idea how I would survive the then greatest challenge of my then life. In fact, it was so painful, that it stopped me from grieving the death of my father at the time. I still carry some guilt for this. That event was the discovery of the affair that my then wife had then insitgated. Like many people on the board, I did all that I could to try and resolve the issues. The advice and support from everyone placed me in a position where I had the coice to try and reconcile / save my marriage. In the end, I chose to end the marriage as my spouse was not sincere in here efforts to reconcile and I was unwilling to continue the torture indefinitely. I was ashamed of myself for walking away when so many good people on the Marriage builders board would have given everything to have a similar opportunity, but it was the right thing to do. If you are interested in reading the main posts in my story back then, I used to go by the name of RenaissanceMan, see the link below.

[b]The RenaissanceMan story from the start[/b]

As I can't remeber the login details I have had to create a new login, the one under which I am posting now.

All that is behind me now. I have since moved on and grown immensely as a result. Although much of that period in my life is still a blur, given my mental state at the time, I am amazed when I read the old posts from that period. They appear to be written by someone other than myself in that they appear to be describing the pain and the torture that I was enduring so clearly. For such a hazy and dark period, it shocked me at how amazingly clear they appear to be.

There are times when something reminds me of the Ex, the other person or the Affair, but I can let it go much easier now. It doesn't have the power over me any more. Don't continue to give it power by rehashing all the hurt. As soon as you become aware of this, decide to let it go and think of the positives in your life since then.

I am sharing this with you not because I want to grandstand, or because I am special, as I can assure you I am not, but because I understand that for those of you contemplating the D, or going through the D, often it will appear as if there can be no happiness in your future. Myself and many others like me are proof that this does not have to be the case. If you follow the advice of the good people on this site, read the books, attend counseling and generally invest and believe in yourself, you can make it through all this and actually have a better life. I would never have believed it at the time, but certainly did. I have been divorced for about 4.5 years now and I appear to be relatively normal human being. A human being that has a lot more understanding and empathy for others.
Believe in yourselves and in your right to a better future espeially when it seems that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My approach / formula was as follows, hopeully it can help you;

Take it one day at a time.
As soon as you awake in the morning, look for a reason why today will be a good day.
Before you go to sleep, find something positive about that day, no matter how bad the day, you can always find something if you really try.
Keep a journal and write your thoughts, problems, happy thoughts and any small success you acheive down. Again, try ending with something positive about the day or the upcoming day.

I hope this posting offers you some hope and happiness as you deserve it!!!!


Cheers
RM66

Welcome back RM. I hope you have found a nice woman to enjoy time with.

Durn these affairs, anyway.

I'm also D'd, got so fed up with how things were with my ex always on the phone or writing to his "friend" that I filed.

I never exposed. Exposure could have helped.

Now I'm dating a wonderful man - almost a year now. Enjoying feeling attractive again instead of "invisible."

Good luck in your life.

Okay, I'm new to this topic board, as I'm currently posting in the "Surviving an Affair" forum, but given the nature of my WW, I'm 90% sure this is where I'm headed.

Bellevue's last comment fills me with dread and fear. She said, "Now I'm dating a wonderful man - almost a year now." And my fear is that this will not happen for me.

This is my second M. I'm not a spring chicken, although I'm pretty robust (distance runner, bicyclist, hiker) for my age (58). I don't kid myself -- I'm not attractive.

I know it's wrong to feel this way. My emotional and psychological states have been battered and bruised by the assault my WW's A had on me. If it comes to D, I won't lose a thing (and in fact, will probably come out ahead, as I lose my WW's debt load, fiscal irresponsibility and overhead). I just worry about the lack of companionship. I married my WW not because I had to -- she had moved in with me and said M wasn't a requirement -- but because I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Now the rest of my life looks pretty bleak. I went eleven years between the break up of my first M and the first date with my WW. In those years, I can count the number of dates I had on one hand.

So I fear the loneliness. I'm smart, well educated, make a good living, and by all measure, should be great husband material. Yet something within me blocks me and fills me with dread.

I came to MB not so much to rescue my M, but to find out how to heal and become a better person. This is still all so new to me that it's raw and sore right now. I'll just keep coming here until I find I can look myself in the mirror and honestly tell myself, "Fred, you're a damn fine man and great husband material."

Thanks for letting me rant.

Fred,

We were there. We were dumped and discarded. Take your time to heal and take your time to focus on who you want to be. You will find someone that value you like a gem. I walked through that path.

I'll just keep coming here until I find I can look myself in the mirror and honestly tell myself, "Fred, you're a damn fine man and great husband material."

You should also (literally) look yourself (eye contact) in the mirror every day and tell that to yourself. Repeat any affirmations to back it up. It might feel funny at first but I learned it at grad. school, our brain takes inputs from us or any garbages that others fed us with.

Hang in there, you are closer than you realize.

Thank you, redhat. I find that I get a real boost from the loving comments given to me by my friends and the faceless (I don't know how else to describe the folks here - they all seem like friends, anyway).

Hi Bellevue
Thank you. Yes, am about to re-marry in a couple of months. AM very happy to have met my future wife. I beleive that my prayers were answered. Glad to hear that you too are happy and have met someone special.

Fred, you need to stop beating yourself up. You sound like a decent human being, which puts you ahead of many people out there. It's normal to feel a little low and unattractive after something like this. To be honest, I have never understood why women find us males attractive, but I thank God every day that they do ;-) You sound much like myself and appear to be your harshest critic. Re-learn to believe in yourself, reflect on and your acheivements, not the disappointments in your life (we all have plenty them). If you genuinely feel good about yourself that will make you much more confident, approachable and ultimately attractive to the opposite sex.

I am by no means telling you to try and be someone that you are not, but if you look for your good qualities in yourself, I am sure that you will find some!!

To meet people, I suggest joining a gym, a dance class, photgraphic club, I did all these and more. You will realise there are lotsof people in your situation looking for a genuine friend / partner. Heck, look at all the pople posting on this site ;-).

If I did it, then you sure as h3ll can!!!
Chin up and go get them tiger!!!

Thanks, RM. I am reading your story now (in between plays of the NFL game on TV). I got pretty battered psychologically and emotionally by my WW, and although I know I'll get through this, no matter how it works out. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not in charge here. What I can do is become a better person, and let things work out as they will.

(Funny you should mention it; I have been thinking about dance lessons...)

Fred, you don't know whether you are attractive or not. It's a funny thing. Most of my friends never understood what I saw in my boyfriends or my husbands, but I thought they were great!

The guy I'm dating is sweet, patient, kind, and has a total of 7 kids whom he still parents. 3 are his bio kids. 1 of the 3 bio kids is his son from his second marriage.
2 are children born to his first ex wife after their divorce and her subsequent re-marriage. That makes them half-sibs to the 2 from his first marriage to her.
2 others are the children of his second ex wife from her first marriage.
2 boys are from his first wife's second husband's first marriage.
The stepchildren's fathers are dead. One left the state and subsequently passed away; the other died and left behind my boyfriend's first wife and his two bio children by her plus his two bio kids by the first wife.
Confused yet?
Anyway, why is this man so attractive to me? He's sweet, warm, thoughtful, funny, and he helps these kids when they need it because most of the steps and halfs developed warm, close relationships among themselves, and he stores their stuff in his garage, goes to their celebrations, and is generally a mensche.
To another woman, his traits might be unattractive. To me, they are like nectar.
As long as you are true to yourself, the right woman will be attracted to you.

Good for you Fred.
I evetually had a blast dancing. The first few weeks were a little awkward as you don't really feel like you fit in, but hey, it was a lots of fun after that. I also attended a sweedish massage course which I always wanted to do and met heaps of great people in the process.

Best thing you can do is keep busy, preferably with things you enjoy and people you like.It makes you feel alive again!!!

While you are doing these things, don't start talking about the A and the D, most people have enough of their own problems they are tring to forget about!!

Be strong brother, you can make it.

An update, if I may?

Last night, after getting a grand total of about 1.5 hours of sleep, I awoke with the sudden realization that I don't think I could take back my WW even if she "came to" and said she wanted back.

The other realization is that she's not likely to do that. Her history suggests that she will continue to move from relationship to relationship, chasing her "happiness," not realizing that it's all an "inside job," in the first place.

What I have to do is to move on. In typical WW fashion, she said she wanted us to "remain friends" even though she ripped out my heart, stomped on it and then ground it into the dirt. The answer to which is that once she's finally moved her furniture and belongings out of the house, I hope never to see or hear from her again.

Harsh? Not nearly as harsh as what she did to me, to us, to her children and to her friends.

Hi Fred,


It's not always easy to do what we feel and know is right. As long as you are not making your decisons out of anger, then good for you. Get your plan together, put it into action and start living your life again. You are avery courageous and good person, remember this going forward, especially when you hit a speed bump in the road ahead!!

God bless!!

Thanks, RM. I actually felt the anger lift from me when I read SAA. No, I don't have any respect for OM (who can respect a cheater, a liar and a predator, anyway?), and I have lost a lot of respect for my W, too. But I'm not angry. Hurt? Yes. Disappointed? Certainly. Emotionally battered? Definitely. But I'm not angry.

Surprisingly, having been made aware of my WW's fog, I find that I too, have been in a fog. For a long time. And now it's lifting. I wondered what happened to the woman I married. I now know that woman is the one who ran from her commitments when the going got tough -- like she has done before. Her irresponsible behavior isn't new -- it's just taken another form. The woman who use to counsel others on "doing the right thing," "looking at oneself," "setting healthy boundaries" and being "fiercely loyal" was incapable of following her own advice. No, the woman I married was not the woman I thought I married.

My A.A. sponsor tells a story of how, when he was drinking, he quit a job because it "wasn't quite what I wanted." As he was walking out the door, his now-former employer said to him, "you know, you weren't quite what we expected, either."

I have the same sense about my M. It turns out I wasn't quite what she wanted, and she wasn't quite what I expected.

I understand what you mean about "the fog lifting" for you. My fog is lifting as well. Inspired by your thread, I started one of my own, seeking advice.

The person I married, my best friend, is GONE. GONE gone. In his place is this selfish, alcohol and sex obsessed jerk who is so deep in his own fog right now he can't see the pain he's causing EVERYONE... not just me. He's done with me and his old friends, and is on to these new people who are into easy sex and lots of validation for his partying.

I used to think he hung the moon, and have worked for the last year to help him return to his "better nature"... but no dice. The booze and his obsession with finding someone new to have sex with was too strong.

It's tough. But he's doing a good job running my "love bank" into the red so it's getting easier to stay on Plan B.

Also, Fred, I know you've expressed some concerns about not being able to find a new wife because of your looks. I think just about everyone feels that way. But here's some good news... you're a GUY. Most women are more able to see and appreciate INNER beauty than most men, I've noticed. It sounds like you have lots of sterling qualities. You'll do just fine.

When I'm ready to date, I'm actually going to put up photos where I'm a little heavier. It helps weed out the shallow jerks.

Thanks, Wolf. And I like the rationale behind your name, too!

Fred, I dont know how I stumbled over here on this forum usu I am on the SAA forum with you....but anyway...

I just want to throw in my two cents about attractivness...and I feel the same way about myself right now as you do.

I have my WH and BIL's that are the typical beefy good lookin guys...I loved my H before he was beefy and good lookin and I loved him for his sweetness and kindness and confidence and the way he made me feel better when I was with him...he was a dorky guy and I could have gotten any guy at the time....but you know what his personality made him better lookin...The more I knew him the more attractive he became to me.

My BIL, everyone says stuff to me about how good lookin he is and he is....but attractive, well he cant keep a girlfriend because his is so into himself and his looks that he can barely fit in a girlfriend never mind a wife and children. He spends so much time at the gym and grooming its just unbeleivable...and now that I know him like a brother and know his personality I just dont see the good lookin anymore..I just see selfish and stuck up and full of himself, it overpowers his looks...

What I am trying to say is the the goodness and kindness resonates through the looks and makes them better. Havent you ever known a good lookin person that once you got to know them and their personality they just really werent that good lookin anymore? well I have known plenty....and what one person thinks is cute or sexy usu isnt the typical "good looking" person, ya know what im sayin?

I just look at beefy typical good looking guys now and see high maintenance self absorbed ugliness...it just does not "do it" for me anymore. So dont worry there is definitely someone that will find you extremely attractive esp because you are such a kind, sweet guy....you just need to boost your confidence...and I am in the same boat I am workin on mine too...Hang in there, K?

And Wolf, I agree with you on women lookin more at the INNER beauty than men do. I think the men have it a little easier than us women do when it comes to finding a companion. JMHO.

Fred,

You roller coaster is normal response to grief or losses of the M that you thought you have. Hang in there and focus your energy to exercise, jogging, pick up a new hobby, take classes, etc. I picked up a master degree in psychology, which I would never even think I could be one before A wrecked through my M.

It is not about how long but what you do during this time will help you heal and be the best, an attractive person you can be. Every storm will end with sunshine day but how you emerge/survive the storm is determine by what you do during the storm.

God bless you.

-redhat-