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I've read about hysterical bonding on the internet. I did a search here and didn't find much on it, as far as the forums. I think my wife and I are doing HB. Its been about 3 months post Dday. Sometimes I feel very connected to her, or I want to connect with her, other times I feel sick and do not want to touch her or be near her.
Just last night when we were done with love making, we kissed and talked a bit, then I turned my head to the side and did another silent cry. I am so confused by this. I do not do this as often as before, but I still do. Last night I just thought, 'we just got done doing what only a husband and wife should do' and I think about her doing with with other men in the past, perhaps laying in bed much like what we are doing right now...!!
It just hurts man, crap...!!!
Last edited by codtej; 12/04/09 09:39 AM.
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Harley has a good article that covers some of what you are feeling. I believe more on the bonding is in his books. Do you have any of his books? The resentment of B.A. and S.K. is a normal emotional reaction to the pain they suffered. The pain was directly associated with their husbands, so now, every time they make love, and lower their emotional defenses, they feel that pain all over again.
But emotional associations fade over time as long as there are no further associations with new painful events. In both cases, their husbands have not had an affair after the revelation, and so I would predict that if they have a normal recovery, where they learn to meet each other's needs, avoid Love Busters and learn to apply the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty to their decisions, the resentment would fade away.
If, on the other hand, either husband were to have another affair, the association would be much harder to extinguish. In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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Just last night when we were done with love making, we kissed and talked a bit, then I turned my head to the side and did another silent cry. I am so confused by this. I do not do this as often as before, but I still do Very normal for the stage you are in now. There have been threads around here on hysterical bonding, many of us have gone through it. It IS confusing because as a BS, you are dying inside...you hate your spouse one minute and feel madly in love and so desperate to save the M the next. HB, if it's happening in your recovery, can be an important bonding step. My FWH and I went experienced it more than once...it was very healing. I noticed in your sig line that your W has had 5 affairs??? This is considered a "serial cheater" and while it still CAN be overcome, it's harder. Please consider using Steve Harley to help coach you into a strong recovery.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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I think this is normal too. H and I went through it. Honestly, I wished we hadn't, because when it wore off it was very confusing. I know my H felt like you described many times. But, it did get better for him in time.
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I've read about hysterical bonding on the internet. I did a search here and didn't find much on it, as far as the forums. I think my wife and I are doing HB. Its been about 3 months post Dday. Sometimes I feel very connected to her, or I want to connect with her, other times I feel sick and do not want to touch her or be near her.
Just last night when we were done with love making, we kissed and talked a bit, then I turned my head to the side and did another silent cry. I am so confused by this. I do not do this as often as before, but I still do. Last night I just thought, 'we just got done doing what only a husband and wife should do' and I think about her doing with with other men in the past, perhaps laying in bed much like what we are doing right now...!!
It just hurts man, crap...!!! I know man, I couldnt take it. I had to leave to heal. Its tough, butit will get better. DUDE
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Its hurts and feels good, sometimes WHILE 'doing it'...thanks everyone.
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Its hurts and feels good, sometimes WHILE 'doing it'...thanks everyone. 100% expected. You're right on schedule. Don't despair.
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