Didn't think I would EVER be here but here I am. Filing for Divorce two days from now - it will be ugly. FWH does not want it but yet has not done what I NEED in order to recover. I still have so much anger but yet today in a better "place emotionally" than I have been the past 20 months since D-Day. I needed truth and honesty FHW was STILL lying about details that took place in the A 14 MONTHS after D-Day when he was SUPPOSED to be open and honest. By the time he came forth with the REAL (???) truth and admission of other A's, it is just TOO LATE. The justification thing is a trip. He emotionally abused me blaming me for the A for the past 14 month of his continued lying. There is just too much damage to repair.

I'm tired....I'm tired of this. I've had enough. My 2 teenage kids have had enough of our fighting and all the tention. I want to live again, enjoy my life.

I felt he had kept a lid on my life for so long anyway. He needs TOO MUCH admiration, ego boosting, physical touch, compliments and sex for me to have to worry with on a daily basis. I have kids to also give attention to along with a job.

Anyway, have STOPPED reading books on A's and started reading books on Divorced/Divorcing. I am scared but excited about the possibilites of not having the burden of making sure my H is happy every second or he will cheat on me.

I plan on showing him respect in front of my kids, I've read all that and agree it's important. Any more advice from anyone here for my upcoming challenges?

Welcome, though I'm sorry you had to move to this board. I don't feel qualified to offer any advice in your situation, but I want to let you know that you have my support.

All I can think of is to maintain your honesty in all situations, and with everyone.

Do he and OW still work together?

Heart, I think you are my hero. You are doing EXACTLY what I need to be doing. This sentence summed it up for me.

I'm at exactly the same stage - having moved out in August to take another job, found out that WS was still in contact with OM - and right on the cell phone bill where I could see ("I knew you would find out").

I hear a lot of what you are saying - I was blamed for the reason of her needing the OM, blamed for being the reason of stress and tension, etc.....

It's been tough - and will get tougher, especially with the kids - but know that what you are doing is right.

I've gotten a counselor - now an individual one - that is being very helpful. Insurance pays for it (a relief) and it gives me a perspective on how to not fall back into allowing myself to support what she has been doing over the years. I guess an old dog can be taught new tricks, but it takes a lot of effort.

Having the counselor is also a good thing from the standpoint of monitoring both my physical and mental health - she is allowing me to grieve and process all of this - as it is a long journey I'm told - but is careful to evaluate if I need to be on meds for sleeping (I say this as I type at 3:00 a.m.!) or anti-depressants - we will decide over the next couple of weeks.

My 14 year old daughter has taken full advantage of the counselor at school - a good support for her. I wish I could get us mini-group counseling - me and the kids - so that we can establish our new nuclear family.

I'm also confronting the EN's and MB's that I did / did not do.

So far, the papers are moving forward with a voluntary appearance waiver - but if she does not complete by next week, she gets a visit from the sheriff, so as you say - and I'm also starting to experience - "it will be ugly."

Knowing others are here - and also have been successful helps me.

No they no longer work together BUT they DID work together another 14 months before he finally quit that job. He moved out of state with another job.

[quote=justjohn]
It's been tough - and will get tougher, especially with the kids - but know that what you are doing is right.


I'm also confronting the EN's and MB's that I did / did not do.


quote]

I TOO know what I did right in the marriage and know what I did wrong. I know how to make the marriage work now. It's a shame it won't be with the father of my children. I honestly hurt from that but it's also HIM that did the damage.

When D-Day tore my world down I became obsessed with Affairs and why they happen, I started reading like crazy, talking w/ people whom have been on both ends of an A's. I understand so much now, I am so much smarter. I like everyone I know....never thought it would happen to me nor thought my H would EVER have one - much less MORE THAN ONE. I was soooo niave and trusting. I'll never be like that again which brings up new issues too of course. I am looking forward to taking some time for just me and my kids.

I hate that you are here too.
Is you WS remorseful?

I LOVE that sentence.....rather have a healthy marriage or just not be married at all. I think in my 40's I'm not afraid anymore to be "not married" and it feels GOOD!!!

No - WS is not remorseful at all - says she is more calm and everything around the house is peaceful with me gone (Kids provide another story....).

Has always found some reason to blame me - that I brought this on - some of it not meeting her EN's, most of it that she doesnt get along with women friends, needs male friends and that she is a good friend and wont' discard him.

Am finding out that her sister (who has also had an A and not told her H) has totally accepted the OM and even tries to get all of them out on double dates - Also found out that he has been a friend on her FaceBook account since I moved out - and other men that have been inappropriate with WS are back in force (they send her porn or flirt very sexually with WS via text / e-mail / etc....).

glad I have counselor to "understand" where WS comes from - which is not of this planet - totally narcissistic and insecure at the same time - must have mens attention.

Kills me that the OM will be building a relationship with my kids - and probably have all the good things pointed out by my WS to them that I never did (or was recognized for doing).

Like you - I read as much as possible - trying to fix myself or learn the golden nugget that would allow me to win her back... New Life Ministries has some great books - "Every Man's Marriage". I even got the book "sexless marriage" - which just having it did more damage to our relationship when she found out I had it.

Well - I hope that I can help with the male insights if you want - don't hesitate to ask.

John,



I have learned that kids are smarter than we think. You will ALWAYS be their father and nothing she can do or say will ever change that. Kids don't want to have to choose sides they love both mom and dad. And once again, it doesn't MATTER what was going on in the marriage THERE IS NEVER ANY JUSTIFICATION FOR HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE BESIDES YOUR SPOUSE to try to solve a problem. It only makes more problems.

Don't worry about OM relationship with kids, WORK HARD ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR KIDS. They will see for themselves "the real deal" - Any man who can help tear apart a family - isn't much of a man in my opinion.

The OW who layed with my H - a married man, was also married and she is now divorced AND STILL DOESN'T HAVE MY HUSBAND. He would not be seen in public with her now. So look at the families broken up because of selfishness. Look at all the innocent kids hurt. It's all crazy.

And all this "text messaging is so childish - teenage stuff. My H exchanging 500+ text messages a month with this OW. It's an addiction, they have to get that HIGH - aaahhhhhh theres my text message saying something sexy, making me feel good about myself.

People need to get self esteem somewhere else, not from another household, another family. It just makes me sick. I see family after family breaking up.

I filed today. It's 2:00 am and cannot sleep. About to pray, cry and try to get some sleep.

BTW my H did have remorse, was sorry or either sorry he got caught.

The sleep thing is a commonality that we all obviously share during this process - I've been laying awake for the last couple of hours replaying the course of the marriage and when I should have been strong enough to call her out on the on-going affair. Having a lot of analysis on what I should do now - as Catperson has hit me with a 2X4 about tip-toeing around the WS, I've got to make sure that my daughters know that this behavior is not just unhealthy, it is unacceptable. I keep thinking about sending a letter to her family, the OM and friends that they need to support the girls in emulating healthy and moral relationships - especially since I found out my WS's sister is all about double dating with the OM now (her sister has also had both EA's and SA's). My WS always plays out the martyr pretty good.

I'm glad - somewhat, and if that is what you can call it - that your H had remorse. If anything it shows he is struggling with the guilt / morality / realization of doing something wrong. I've had many a crocodile tear shed to me about being sorry, will get rid of OM, then within a year or so - they were back together again - so I hear in your post the lack of trust that it is authentic remorse, and it probably isn't unless there are changes (full disclosure, public recognition).

Well - it would be funny to have this web site show when the most activity throughout the day is - probably in the middle of the night by us insomniacs!!

If I remember right, on this site somewhere it even recommends talking to your health professional about sleeping / anti-depressant medications - and my own counselor has brought it up so we can evaluate next week, especially around the holidays, especially around the significant steps (filing, finalization) of working through the divorce.

I'm glad you have your faith to help you as well.