1 year and 7 months from d-day, NC, ect.

SO, my question is, after that long is it still possible to recover even if WE have never implemented the rule of protection or the rule of time and the LB have not stopped, or at this point am I pretty much just wasting time?

Why have you not implemented Dr. H's rules for marriage?

What have you done to create a safe marriage for your husband to reinvest emotionally?

IMHO, putting in the effort to meet your spouse's needs in an attempt to improve your marriage is never a waste of time.

I just glanced through your post back in January.

Are you still working for in-laws?

I can tell you that your husband will never fall back in love with you if you aren't meeting the 15+ hours of UA. It is in THOSE hours that you have the ability to build up love units in his love bank.

I would absolutely agree with this.

One of the things I learned and continue to learn is that we can create a MB life without creating an MB life. My H doesn't follow the principles on the surface, but when I change the language and express things in a different way, he is right there on board with me creating a new, loving, caring, protected marriage.

Sounds like you are doing somewhat of a modified Plan A? Is that correct? Are you following the principles? And if so, remember rule number 1. No expectations.

To answer your question, YES I believe it is possible to recover if those things are in place together. But that doesn't mean you can work towards them or incorporate them into your lives in a different way. Does that make sense.

Mark, did an amazing job of explaining and then ranting on Looking4's thread in recovery as well as starting a new ranting thread. I would really ask you to go over there and read. It's so insightful in creating a new and healthy marriage.

Given him 100% accountability.... after my A, I went back to work for his parents... I drive to and from work with him, sit in an office with BOTH his parents all day long and up until just recently I would only go to the store or some other kind of errnd without him like maybe once a month and if I did have to go somewhere without him I would take my kids and be bck as fast as I could. My mother-in-law even goes to get her nails done with me because I wanted to be able to go without him hving ny doubts about where I was or what I was doing. dont know what else I can do to get him to realize that it has not even been possible for me to cheat.

But everyday I still get it thrown in my face and told that I'm still doing it.


I just dont want to hurt anymore.

One, I HIGHLY recommend you go read on Looking's thread. I think there is a lot you can learn. I really really think you need to look at what Mark wrote her and so many others.

I don't think you can pick the Harley rules apart, as they all reinforce/support one another, but from my standpoint, if I had to choose one that's been the biggest factor in facilitating positive change in my & my W's relationship over the past 11 months, I'd say "time spent together," hands-down, no contest. Neglect UA at your peril.

I would like to raed what you are suggesting... can you post a link please?


I'm not trying to pick apart the rules... I know they all go hand in hand... i just listed a few for example, but basically the question was or should have been something more like this...


Is it possible to recover if both spouses are not willing to implement any or all of the rules?


I feel like things are back to how they were pre A ... I'm not going down the wayward path again, that is something I will never do again no matter what. I've seen the pain and destruction first hand and it only takes once to learn that lesson.


Which only leaves one other option if I truely feel like things are that bad and it wont get better....


After d-day we went to couseling & became pretty active in the church going 2x a week... my H wasnt spending much time if any on his PC and we were both feeling really good... for a few months...


...and then he started playing a little.... and over the last year it has gotten to be daily for hours....


...how do I not feel neglected like I did before when he was always on the PC??


I tell him all the time that I want to spend time with him... just us.. with no kids ... but he doesnt ever seem interested and doesnt want to pay a babysitter.


What do I do to get him to take more of an interest back in me and our kids then his PC??


I know these MMORPG games can be highly addictive, and he has even said to me he's addicted to it like heroin... that's probably a little extreme, but he does admit that he is addicted to them.


I want him to have a hobby and do the things he enjoys, dont get me wrong there.... but it seems like he has his priorities in the wrong order.


Am I right to want to have my emotional needs met as well?


I feel like this keyboard I'm using right now is my competition or "the other woman"


I dont know, but I always appreciate people taking their time to reply and share from a different perspective. It can be, and definately has been in the past, a real eye opener. So thanks in advance for the replies.

I thought one of the principles of MB was the Policy of Joint Approval (POJA). This means that NEITHER of you do anything without the ENTHUSIASTIC approval of the other.

Doing things together is the best way to go, in my opinion. See if you can't both get interested in something you both like (exercise? book reading? etc.)

OKM,

Are you still hiding details about the affair from your husband? Did your H get the chance to confront OM?

With my wife it has been 20 years since her �EA� and I still don�t feel I know everything

NJ

I don't imagine he wants to hurt any more either, but he does. You damaged your credibility and destroyed the bonds of trust in the relationship. So how to you get that back? Somehow you have something in your behavior that is still triggering him. This may take a long time to repair.

In some countries if you go bankrupt you have a period of 7 years before your credit record is finally re-established. If you had an affair you damaged your love credit and you may need to be prepared to do the time if you want to restore your marriage.

Your needs were likely not being met so your solution was to have them met elsewhere, correct? The affair was your choice not his. Now how can he ever trust you. He may never trust you again. It all depends on his make up, and a year and a half does not seem all that long a time to heal from the damage an affair causes.

I just read in another post that the emotional trauma of an affair can be likened to the death of a child. How long would it take for you to overcome the death of a child? That may assist you in understanding the depth of the injury your H is likely feeling.

Sounds like you may have to dig a little deeper to get to the root of the problem. Are you doing any counseling?
Good Luck and hang in there.

Mark's Rant

L4's journey On L4s thread look in particular at posts on the 25th Nov and 4th Dec. If I remember your time line correctly I think yours and hers are similar. I'm sure the whole thread may be of use to you. It has certainly helped me.