I had to break No Contact as there were legal documents we had to deal with regarding the separation.

The advice on this forum works. I had my doubts but I found it interesting that she was really distraught over the loss of reputation she suffered because of adultery and the exposure.

She is now 9 months into the "relationship" and all is not well in paradise. The new guy is failing to meet her needs. Yesterday she started making overtures that there may be a possibility of her wanting to look at the marriage again. However she is currently not willing to terminate the current relationship, "she says she is confused". I think she feels justified in her actions because she was not happy in our relationship. And I admit I could have done a better job meeting her needs, I was too focused on my career and was feeling burnt out much of the time (me justifying my behavior). I think she is trying to cake eat.

We still have some additional legal issues we need to address so we will be in contact again. She seems to be wanting to be in contact. Now I am wondering what is the best way to handle this, as my intent is to honor my marriage vows of till death do us part, if that is possible? (side note: I wished I did not take my vows so seriously, it would be easier, but I feel when you promise God its a big deal) So I need some guidance. Thanks.

It is working! Why would you want to mess with it?!

Why do you have to meet for legal reasons? Why can your lawyer not take stuff to HER lawyer? You had better have a darn good reason for breaking Plan B, bc, or else!

STAY DARK! IT'S WORKING! SHE NEEDS TO REALLY REALLY SUFFER NOW - WITHOUT YOU.

If you are at the legality of the M then all that stuff can be done by a lawyer. Stay dark. It seems like the A is starting to crumble. Do not get shaky now.
I read somewhere that our mind is like a sieve...we forget things and we tend to forget the bad times and remember the good ones after some time has gone by..
Chances are your W does not even remember much of the bad time she had in the M at this point if the OM is not meeting her needs...so let her suffer, let her hit bottom...you want a changed person not the wife who betrayed you.
blessing

All of that tells me that YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE BROKEN PLAN B. You are getting caught up in her drama again.

If you needed to make contact for legal reasons, that contact should be made via your lawyer, with specific instructions concerning what information about your WW should be passed on to you.

I'm assuming that you gave your WW a Plan B letter which gave clear instructions as to what must be done for her to restart contact with you and to come back to the M. Don't let her get around them.

There have been folks on here before that have performed a modified Plan B, a 180 plan. That have been in a dark Plan B but after a time have shown the path back. They have the choice to follow it, or not, and if not, then they go back to a dark Plan B.

Think of it as the marital house getting covered with vines. You come out of the house, clear a path, cut away the vines from the front door, let her know the invitation is still open, then walk back inside.

My suggestion, you meet for dinner or coffee. Talk about your lives, catch up, you tell her about the changes you have been making, you apologize for the mistakes you have made. You explain why you have been dark and why you will remain dark, that you will not accept an OM in your life. And you invite her back when he is gone. You keep it upbeat, and definitely talk about your changes. And then you go back to Dark Plan B.

Yes, she is thinking of coming back, but if you hadn't left with a solid Plan A, to show what good she would be returning home to, then you show her...

Many folks would disagree, but I have seen how coming out of Plan B every once in a while (like Puxatawny Phil) can help with the WS's confusion.

The danger is when someone uses coming out of Plan B as an excuse to break Plan B regularly...

If you want to help prop up her A a while longer, than keep talking to her.

Go dark until she meets your Plan B requirements.

x2

You did give a PBL right?

BCB,

She is seeing the OM cannot meet her needs. You owe it to HIM to allow him to continue to not completely meet her needs. It is the right thing to do.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

"Never interrupt your enemy while he is busy making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte

To all of you THANK YOU; Thank you; Thank you

I am astounded at my inability to see my own situation clearly. I guess it just shows how much emotions cloud my vision.

I appreciate the time and consideration you have put into your responses. I value the input.

BCBoy

JL
I always think about what you say. I look forward to your input. Thanks for stopping by my friend.

And I pray God will Bless.

"I had to break No Contact as there were legal documents we had to deal with regarding the separation."

"Why do you have to meet for legal reasons? Why can your lawyer not take stuff to HER lawyer?"

This will be an excellent opportunity for you to underscore your Plan B letter.

"I'm sorry, seeing you while you are involved with OM is too painful for me. Please work with my lawyer on legal issues and refer to my letter about what it would take for me to be able to talk to you again."

Then turn out the lights.
Pitch black.

The issue is we went through mediation rather than lawyers. Mediation has proven to be effective and reasonable rather than lawyers at 200 - 300 per hour. If we both lawyered up to resolve this issue it would cost about 900 to 1800 when by discussing this and agreeing it will cost us less than 50 dollars and avoid getting into a protracted battle that would prove counter productive to both parties. During the meeting I addressed a second issue that probably saved me 1200 to 1600 if I had to negotiate it using lawyers. So I am conflicted but with money being tight right now it seemed like a prudent thing to do. (we will see)

Plus I am curious as I had the opportunity to do a brief Plan A and she noticed it and seemed to increase her dissatisfaction with the OM. She wanted to get together again tonight but I am back to Plan B as suggested. I referred her to my previous letter, which she says she does not know what she did with it.

I was planning on constructing a second Plan B letter to reinforce my position and make some modifications so if you can help point me in the direction of some plan B letters so I can construct a new letter I would appreciate it.

In this letter I want to outline some of the expectations I would have in order to consider reconciliation and having to commit to things like - POJA ; Radical Honesty; No male friends etc.... Any ideas are welcome but in the mean time back to Plan B

Thanks guys.

If you want this M, why are you negotiating a "cheap quickie"?

"I am back to Plan B as suggested. I referred her to my previous letter, which she says she does not know what she did with it."

Send second copy, registered letter.

I loved this quote!
Yes, she is realizing she has made a mistake but please do not get your hopes up because we can't be sure she will come back to you nor that the M will recover. I would just hate for you to use Plan B now as a tool to get her back.
Plan B is and will always be for the BS to distance himself from the WS hurtful behaviour.
You still need to work in moving on as if she is no longer part of your life...and she really is not part of your life right now.
That said. Stay dark. Remember that if she does not hit bottom and suffer some she will never change. You do not want your old spouse back...but a changed person who is willing to admit her faults, work on them and R the M.
Do NOT settle for less.
Blessing

Sorry folks but I agree with still making it. In fact, when i spoke with jennifer she stated that a plan B doesn't necessarily mean absolutely no contact. And BC, she said that a second plan b letter can really clarify your position and also be an opportunity to make promises to her as long as she's willing to also make those promises to you and agree with the NC. Be sure though that the contact is made under the right circumstances and if WW diveates from the issue at hand ask her if she's willing to abide by the plan b letter. If she hestitates in the least politely say "I'm sorry you feel that way, I would love nothing more than for you to consider it" and politely walk away. IMO, this only bolsters your plan B letter as long as you ensure you don't get bogged into the mire. This can be hard I know, so if you have the least doubt that you can do it, then just stay dark.

I gave WS second plan b letter and discussed it with her. So far I'm still dark except for some logistical child vis issues. No other discussion or I remind her of the letter and the path back and politely hangup.

Thanks for the input.

I see the rationale behind the Plan B concept in trying to preserve the love of the BS for the WW. I am starting to slip away. It make me stand back and wonder if I can ever trust this person again especially when she feels she is justified in being driven to have an affair because I was not there for her.

After talking to her she is giving up on:
1) The family - she gave it all to the kids (according to her) and now they are not giving her much attention so according to her she does not really care and she is not even sure if she likes them very much any more. (They are living their lives and not paying much attention to her - this may be part of the personality disorder surfacing)
2) She is angry at God for not fixing things.
3) She is willing to tolerate and minimizes the illegal activities the OM participates or is contemplating participating in (Moral failure surfaces again)
4) Has several male friends she continues to keep in contact with and if we were to consider getting back together would likely not be willing to give them up.
5) Cannot or will not subscribe to reason - (she is very intuitive and freaks out if she has to follow a process)
6) Can I ever develop trust with her again?

With these factors in play I am wondering if I am kidding myself that recovery will be possible. I know I fell in love with her many years ago and I now find myself wondering who this person is.

I don't know if this is a normal part of the grieving process or the cycle a BS finds themselves in or not but it sure makes me wonder what to do.

Thanks for listening.

Boy, do I hear you, BCboy. Just as affairs seem to follow a pretty standard (if not vapid) "script," I think the feelings of the BS also run to form.

This is part of the grieving and healing process. I've said it many time already: My reasons for being here are to (a) recover the marriage, if possible, and (b) to heal myself in any event.