I posted this on my old thread this morning (help dealing with anger). I decided to create a new thread with it as well.

I�m trying to decide whether now, before Christmas, is the best time to drop the hammer on my WW (another 8 calls to OM this weekend). I�m going to confront her about her EA (again)and ask her if she�s willing to talk with someone, possibly a Christian counselor, about saving our family. If she does not agree to talk then I am going to cut off her phone and expose her to our daughter. I know she could get a Pay-as-you-go, if she doesn�t have one already, but I doubt she could afford to talk very much, especially over-seas.
I�m also going to tell her if she decides to leave the family she will have to do so without our little girl. We are not the ones to blame, if my wife wants to leave our home and destroy our family, I think she should have to do it alone.
My only dilemma is possibly ruining Christmas for my daughter. Any thoughts?

TTF,

I am in similar situation. What do you really want? Do you want to recover the marriage? I've been told repeatedly by the vets here that there is no educating, or convincing we can do to logicly convince our WW to do the right thing. They are in the Fog of the affair and do not want to give it up. I have learned that my WW resists my attempts to meet her ENs because it makes her feel worse inside because deep down, she knows it is wrong.

Best course of action is to expose and Plan A, and not enable her to continue EA if possible (cancel cell phone/internet).

Have you exposed to OM wife or GF? That's where I'm at currently.

You cannot control her - only yourself. Keep reading and planning and listening to the vets. They have been extremely helpful for me. It's been comforting to know that the things my WW are doing are 'normal' for waywards.

I do want to save my marriage. Despite of what�s been going on I still love my wife very much. I have exposed her to her father only. I�m just so back and forth on how to handle it.
I need to read about plan A. I went to Barnes and Noble and checked the library but can�t find the book.
I sincerely believe that my wife knows that what she is doing is wrong. I believe she thinks the farther she pulls away and the colder she is towards me the faster I will let her go. I will let her go, I told her so, but not without a fight. I just don�t know how to undertake the fight.
I have a lot of guilt and feel some responsibility for not seeing to her emotional needs through out our marriage. However, I refuse to take the blame entirely. She made a conscience decision to start an online-phone affair. I�m torn at times between doing everything in my power to save my wife, or letting her go as she suggested.

I understand completely as I also was not a very good husband prior to this, however nothing justifies the affair.

I think you should read up more on exposure. I don't know how to hyperlink, but if you go into my thread, Want New Start- She Doesn't, you will see some good posts about exposure and Plan A.

Also, I bought the books here on the site and I got them very quickly.

Agree with everything SoL says. I was exactly the same. Whether or not my M survives is unknown; I'd say the odds are against it. But I have to try.

It's either that or turn my back and walk away, implicitly saying that I'm OK with the A and the two of them together.

Plan A&B
Plan A & Plan B

Carrot & Stick of Plan A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788#Post1640788

Affair Exposure 101
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=028452;p=0

Here is what I plan to say to my WW next time she initiates relationship talk (I've learned not to bring it up yet).

1. I failed to protect you and care for you.

2. What you (WW) are feeling now is a symptom of my failure.

3. I am commited to a new life with you where we can both be happy in our marriage.

SoL, this sounds like you're taking the blame for her affair and for her feelings. This is stinkin' thinkin'. Her feelings are her own. While your actions can affect her feelings, she is the one who is ultimately responsible for them. Her affair was entirely her choice.

On No. 1, be more specific as to where/how you failed to protect her and care for her; otherwise, she will see this (and use it against you) as you never protected her or cared for her at ANY time.

Lady,
Well said. The items didn't sit right with me because of that reason.

Gina

Sorry for the threadjack!

Sorry, should have clarified. This was what Jennifer suggested. It is NOT to take the blame or justify her A. It is a simplification for me on where we are at and how we got there.

I felt TTF was feeling some guilt over his own previous failings (which do not give justification for A).

Thanks everyone, without knowing it I have been in a plan A of sorts for about 1 � months. I have avoided any kind of relationship discussions for about the last 3 weeks. I kiss her goodnight but that�s it. I don�t tell her I love her anymore, we basically live like roommates. She just seems like she gets farther detached with each passing day.
How do you tell someone to stop cheating on you (emotional or otherwise) without being demanding? I also have a problem with being perceived as weak by my wife. I should have the NADS to stand up for myself�..right?
Don�t get me wrong, I�m willing to do anything to save my marriage except condone her present behavior.
I see that it has to be her choice to stop. She has to be willing to work to repair her marriage. She has to realize that what she has at home is better than what she can find if she leaves.
All of our discussions in the past 3 or 4 months come back to the fact that she is done. I can�t or haven�t been able to at this point, get through that barrier.
According to her it's all my fault. She would not have to have Facebook (yuk) relationships if it weren't for my being distant and uncaring all these years.

Lady_Clueless, feel free to take my thread and run with it. I need all the input I can get.

I don't even kiss her goodnight. We say goodnight to each other, and even that took some time. Now, she usually says it first, and lately it's been with some sincerity. We're living as roommates too, but at least now we get along well. We're becoming friends again.

Still, I get the 'fog talk' like it's my fault that all this happened. Same thing - distant and uncaring. I don't let it affect me anymore. That's where counseling has helped me - we are at a point where the discussion includes the fact that my ENs weren't being met either, and that our problems were a joint effort. She hasn't totally bought that yet, but we're making progress. That, along with my sticking with plan A as best I can, has made a big difference.

Linus, sounds like you see light at the end of the tunnel, I�m seeing a freight train right now.
I talked to her mother yesterday, I told her about the EA. Her father also told me that he would counsel us; he is a Minister on top of being a very good man. I just don�t know if it�s a good idea, airing our dirty laundry in front of her family. On the other hand he is 100% on my side, she respects him greatly, and I�m at the end of my rope.

I think a BS has to just completely disregard any attempt by the WS to justify the cheating. Treat any assertion of this as so incredibly off base such as to not warrant any discussion.
Perhaps a line like " I am more than willing to tlk about your dissatisfaction. But, I am perplexed as to why it is being brought up in relationship to your cheating, as the two issues are not related in any manner."
Almost every Ws, especially the new ones, whose story has been related , interjects this information on their BSs deficiencies in an attempt to justify his/her cheating. Thye really do feel there is a cause and effect.
This is nonsense, IMO, as in today's society there are many alternatives to cheating.