It's not about control, it's about boundaries. What you are willing and not willing to do.

You are not willing to spend on internet if she is using the internet to contact the OM.

You are not willing to provide spending money if she is unwilling to not have a pay as you go cell phone to contact him.

You can't stop her from leaving, or getting a job, etc to finance these things. But you don't have to spend marital assets you earn to support the affair.

It's about boundaries, what you are willing to do or not do.

As long as she is in contact with him, you are not willing to spend on these things.

You cannot prevent her from spending money she earns, but you don't have to allow the fruits of your labor to support the affair.

YES! Your intent should be to make it as difficult as possible for the A to continue. Yes, she can go to the library, but I'm betting that's a LOT more inconvenient than just doing it from home, right?


If she insists on using the family's finances to indulge in an A, it is a NECESSITY to take steps to end that practice.

Welcome to my life four months ago. What made the difference?
1. I Plan A'd my butt off. Seriously, hardly slept or ate for a month, fought down the Love Busters and met her ENs consistently.
2. I did everything in my power to make their affair uncomfortable. Exposure to OMW was crucial (though in your case, he's apparently already divorced). I exposed to all of my wife's friends and repeatedly confronted OM on the phone. I found ways to make OM upset with my WW, and him calling her in screaming fits of rage REALLY helped her see that she was better off with me. Part of this was INVESTIGATION OF OM. I found out a few of the dirty secrets he didn't want to tell my wife... namely, that he wasn't really going through a divorce, had never been separated from his wife, and lied about the frequency of intercourse with his wife. Sure, they aren't big things... but they planted a seed and she began realizing how he'd lied to her all along.
Waywards lie. Find out the lies and expose them.
3. I took vacation time from work to be with her. Not as a policeman, but as a lover. Got her out of the house, away from the phone & Internet.
4. I arranged with my work to work from home around half the time. That really helped, too.
5. Worked on my appearance.


Just because it's "emotional", it is no less an affair! Don't believe her down-play of this! Dr. Harley even covers this in
"Surviving An Affair"... he spends more time with the example of Sue because their case is so tragic, but mentions that Kevin's case would certainly have become sexual if allowed to progress.


I felt similarly. OM was unemployed, had all the time in the world to chat up my wife. My wife is currently in school, and simply neglected our youngest child, me, and her studies to spend more time with OM. She still managed to pull an A in her classes, though, largely at the expense of time with me.


Dr. Harley is currently revising "Surviving An Affair" to include information on exposure. Re-expose if necessary, but make sure you do it right. It is "My wife is having an affair that is turning sexual as soon as she and the other man can arrange it" not "My wife is having an emotional affair". Ask for help from those friends; people are really eager to help if they think they are needed.


Bag the counseling until she goes no-contact... it's just an excuse for her to try to say "we TRIED to work it out, but couldn't". The affair is the addiction, the abuse in your life right now, and until it ends all your other efforts are pointless.


Either she's lying or you didn't expose to the right people. Try exposing to friends of the marriage with whom she is close, though it may be too late now for that exposure to have any effect after she's had a chance to spin it...


Break the trap and FIGHT for your marriage!


That's the real problem, right there. They spend time talking to each other. You may need to force a Plan B here, but if you continue to state how much her behavior hurts the marriage, children, and your attempts at recovery, you may eventually get through to her.

I did. But I spent an agonizing month of constant worry trying to get through to her.


Then you're in Plan A. Set a definite end-date when you're going to go to Plan B, if necessary. Keep following through with meeting her ENs, avoiding LBs, telling the truth of the hurt her affair causes, and exposing.

CATCH HER in the act of talking to the other man. Make it uncomfortable for her to continue the affair.

I didn't feel like I was making any progress until the day she finally wrote the NC letter. Then it was like a light-switch turned on, and she was fully-committed to the marriage. I'm sure some part of her still longs for OM -- foggy wayward-speak popping out here and there -- but she realized she had a great thing here at home.

Good luck. You can't change her -- you can only change yourself! -- but you can make it as uncomfortable as possible for the other man and her to pursue this relationship. Ultimately, you have extremely little control of the situation, if any. Release that illusory control, and just do what you can with what you have.

The consensus here is that the usual MC is typically useless when one spouse is involved in an A. As are addictions, and should be treated as such. To give an analogy, do you think MC would be useful if your W was drunk or high all the time? Probably not, eh?

Secondly, what she's told you above is what's referred to around here as "WW-Speak". She's certainly NOT going to give up the A if you "resolve your issues", and the prepaid phone and other activity should demonstrate to you that this is certainly something she's not going to willingly give up at any time. That's not how As work. She's a WW - don't put any trust into anything she says and trust only 50% of what she does.

Never negotiate with a terrorist. A wayward is a terrorist.

At some point, you have to get to the point where she has to do something.

Ending her affair is a reasonable condition.

She wants to sit back and watch. Which frankly is a valid position. If you've not been good at meeting needs before, then she needs to see consistent effort.

However, the other side of that coin is that your ability to do that is directly impacted by the on-going affair. As long as she's in the affair, your efforts will be fruitless.

So why not negotiate for a 30 day "cease fire"

You meet needs for 30 days. She has no contact for that same period and you return after 30 days to see if you are making progress on meeting needs. She provides proof that there is no contact. (Or you provide proof of on-going contact.)

However, you can get no where as long as she is in contact with him.

I'd also document what's going on. Capture e-mails, get a key-logger, etc.

If she doesn't end the affair, when you go into plan B and you visit your attorney, take the evidence (even if it doesn't matter) and go to the courts petitioning for temporary custody of your children and that you fear that your unfaithful wife may try to have you kicked out of the home or worse, that she or her lover may try to harm you or the children. That her affair is an example of her emotional and verbal abuse and the safety of the children depend upon her being out of the home until she ends the affair, makes progress in counseling and demonstrates she can provide physical, emotional and verbal safety to her family.

Her affair is evidence she is not a safe person at this time.

That's the catch-22, I'm so hurt every day it's hard to meet her emotional needs, and yet that's what she wants to see from me.

I really like the idea of the "cease fire"!

So paint the word picture.

DW, every time you contact him, you are stabbing me in the heart. Plus you expect me to then while bloody and bleeding, continue to meet your needs while you continue to wield your knife.

I cannot continue to meet your needs as long as you continue to stab me in the heart with your continuing contact with him.

I want to meet your needs, but find it more difficult as my love for you bleeds out with every stab you inflict with your phone and internet contact with the OM.

Thanks barnboy, your story has been great to read, and has given me some hope.

The story isn't finished being written yet, but I tend to count "up days" versus "down days". We had a string of 3 "down days" this week due to her upset over discovering the keylogger on her computer. I try to keep the "down days" to around a 10:1 ratio versus up-days now...

He recommends NO MORE than six months, right? Its this guys judgement of how much plan Aing he can handle. Its a very abusive situation to plan A and not all people can take it.

DUDE

Actually, Dr. Harley recommends an "average" of six months for a man, one month for a woman. It all depends on how long the betrayed spouse can keep it up without Love Busting or doing irreparable psychological harm. This also why he suggest individual counseling to keep tabs on your mental state while in Plan A, and anti-depressants to help the betrayed spouse deal with the negative emotions associated with doing Plan A.

How did this come about? I thought keyloggers were designed to "stay hidden?"

I must be an exception - we started counseling while the A was still going on, and he (the counselor) help convince her that it had to stop or we were wasting our time and $$$. He was a big help in getting her to commit to knock off the communication.

I'm surprised a keylogger was discovered too. What program were you using? That must have been a MAJOR LB!

My A was very much emotional and I read form the exact same script as your W.

My H knew about my EA all along although we didn't know it was that (went on for 20 months)

What made me end it?

Stress - trying to give the OM the time he needed and live my normal life

We would spend on average 2-3 hours a day in contact

Guilt - ALl the time I was on the phone or sat in the living room with him I was ignoring my children at critical points in their developmetn giving them very wrong messages

started to turn physical: and actually it made me cringe to kiss OM, but I was doing it to keep him.

Arguments: He started to complain that I was neglecting him for my family.

Things that may also help
Plan A - Plan fun trips out where Relationship or A isn't mentioned. Make sure you are at your WW side at every possible moment.

Expose - to family and friends, get them to invite ww for coffee, shopping, anyhting whenever you are unable to be with her.

Try to break the habit of the communication. Kill the internet. Block his phone number and the next one he gets and the next one and the next one.

Great stuff, thank you! It's nice to get some perspective on what other women in this situation were thinking/doing.

All the things you mentioned that helped you stop involve either you or the OM. Was there anything your husband did to help?

My H was consistently there for me. He kept the household running and he kept trying to love me. I think unbeknownn to either of us he was plan Aing me.

I suddenly realised that he had done nothing to deserve it. He looked so hurt when I struggled to give him a kiss on New Years Eve.

Ok, we negotiated the 30 day cease fire.

Now I'm really scared.

She hasn't been angry during this process, even when I exposed the affair. She's very very angry now. She fully expects to spew forth venom at me for 30 days, and then file divorce papers on day 31.

I'm sure this is the junkie talking, since her supply line just got cut. The clock is ticking, and I have 30 days to make a difference. What do I do now?

You meet needs, you avoid LB's and you verify there is no-contact.

Will she fill out the EN and LB questionnaires? If so, they will help you focus on what you do that destroys romantic love and what you do that makes deposits in her love bank.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4500_resource.html

The questionnaires are on the LHS of the above web page.

If that's her plan, then that's her plan.

I hope that the agreement included the provision that if she makes contact, the 30 day clock starts over.

There has to be 30 days of VERIFIABLE NO CONTACT, if not, then push for the clock to start over.

Every time she makes contact, and you know it, let her know you know and that you want the clock to start over.

If she makes any sort of contact, including reading an e-mail he sends, the clock starts over.

I think I'd also say she has to fill out the questionnaires so you know exactly what work needs to be done.

If those things are not done, then the deal is useless.

That would also include reading OLD e-mails. That's a form of contact.

Hey WG, sorry to see you here.

Looks like you are getting alot of good advice. I think you need to understand better the carrot and stick parts of Plan A. You plan A your wife. You attack the A with everything you have, every chance you get.

I worry about this negotiated 30 day NC. You are dealing with a WW, she will lie to get you off her back and continue contact if she can. Do whatever you have to do to disrupt communications for them. To hell with a keylogger, put a password on the computer, or take the power cord! Stop the cell service and remove long distance service from the home phone. They make cell phone signal disrupters, I don't know how expensive they are, but hide one in the attic if you can afford it. The whole time Plan A your wife. If she gets mad about something just say "I realize this upsets you but I can't tolerate another man in our marriage. I will do everything I can to build a better life with you, but I not only will not assist you in any way in continuing your affair, I will also do everything I can to prevent it." That is not a lovebuster or a violation of Plan A. That is stating your position and establishing boundaries. Plan A is improving yourself and trying to meet her needs. So you attack the affair in the background, and be nice and work on yourself and meeting her needs around that. She'll spew venom and tell you crap like "things can't be fixed if you don't trust me", to that you just respond "I know, I look forward to the time when I trust you again. How about you end this thing with OM forever and we work together to build a happy marriage?".

The point is, until she agrees to permanent no contact, you aren't going to get your marriage back. So this 30 days is progress, but it also seems like she's just buying time and appeasing you to get you to back off.

Watch her closely. Expect her to try to resume contact. When she does, do what you can to prevent it.

Any way of attacking the OM on his home front? What do you know about him?