This is correct. Even if he doesn't remember the specifics,you will leave him with a general impression of a beautiful, warm, sexy wife that he stands to lose in exchange for...not so much.

Don't stress the exposure thingy, except for trying to locate OW's family. While your best-case scenario involves family, friends, acquaintances,and bosses all standing firmly on the side of family and fidelity, even if that doesn't happen exposure still has an impact. Whether people disapprove or not, the secret is out, and isn't so fun or shiny any more. It still has the light of day, with or without approval. And A's suffocate in the light.

And

flash a little bosom with a wink and smile when the kids aren't in the room.

Enjoy the rest of your plan A days!

((((Scotland))))),

Oh honey...I feel for you. But take comfort in that you have the best of the BEST helping you....( ...that's for you Pep...you naughty naughty lady, you....)




I wanted to touch on this for a moment. First off, I bumped up a thread by Schoolbus called "Schoolbus' info thread...body language, memory..". I want you to read this. And pay close attention to what she write, because this comes from years of experience in her line of work....

The thing is, even if he pulls away from you, you need to encroach on his space every chance you get. Move a tuff of hair when passing, give his bicept a gentle squeeze when he walks out the door (this is MY FAVORITE move. It demostates his strength in comparisson to your "delicacy"..... ;)), when he sitting down give his shoulders a squeeze.

In fact, offer him a massage. I do not know of one wayward that has ever passed this one up. You might "notice" how tense he is (which of course he is....affairs are stressful stuff ya know.... ).....it can go something like this....

Mr. WScot....(sitting in a chair or standing there looking forlorn)

Mrs. Scot....(comes over and squeezes his shoulder...).."OH honey, you feel tense. Is your neck bothering you??".....

Mr. WScot.....(looking grumpy...maybe even moving over a little..)....(sigh)..."No, its fine"....

Mrs. Scot...."Are you sure???...You do feel awfully tense. Why don't I give you a rub down?".....

Mr. WScot...."I told you its fine...."......

Mrs. Scot..."Well, okay, but if you change your mind, you know where to find me...."...(walking away...)

Mr. WScot...."You know, I do feel a little tight...I SUPPOSE that I could use a little massage....if you don't mind..."....


Anyway, the thing is you need to touch him whenever you can. Since he's being quite difficult, I wouldn't be to overt about it, but yet, encroach his personal space as much as possible. Schoolbus' thread gives lots of info on this and the scientific reasoning behind it. But, even though it seems to agitate him, it will be these seemingly small jesture's that will stay with him later on when you are in a dark Plan B.

I'm a big fan of the notes too. Remember, they don't have to be special loving memories. Just memories. Even reminising about the year you burnt the turkey at Thanksgiving that is funny NOW, is good. This is the kind of stuff that confuses the poor, drug-induced wayward brain.....I did this on our DD15 (then 14) birthday. WH had gone out of town, and was having a "bad" moment...I kept talking to him about the day she was born, the labor, him playing spoons in the waiting room, the moment she came, him letting me choose the name. These are memories and moments that OW can NEVER share with him.....It was very painful for him to "remember". Of course, unbeknown to me at the time, it was probably me piling on the guilt (unknowingly..... ), since the "business" trip he was on was really a trip to OW, trying to win her back. Nothing like missing your DD Bday to bump uglies with your mistress.....
But the point I am trying to make is you need to create GOOD feelings and memories NOW and REMIND him of the GOOD memories of YOUR guys' past.....

You are doing wonderful BTW......this is a rollercoaster of emotions......

not2fun

I remember hearing this story about a guy who was having an affair at work. His wife came up to him one day and talked to him about it.

She wasn't crying or or yelling at all. She chuckled and said something about his ego and his "little" affair he was having with the secretary. She seemed like she was talking about a child and a crush on his teacher. She was not moved to be angry at all. Of course this is not what you should look like but thier is something about being confident that takes all of the power out of the betrayal and is very attractive to men.

You have everything to be confident about. As a guy i can tell you that all of the sexual advances, flirting, positive bubbly attitude, and kind of wild suggestions are working on him. There isn't a man born who doesn't respond to flattery and attention.

You can be confident that you are married to him, she isn't and you have the right to tell everyone you are his and he is yours. She is stealing and sneaking around with some kind of excuse. Its allways an excuse. There is no reason in thier behavior. There is "a" reason for it, but it is sneaky and weak.

If he is whining it will make them miserable, especially as he starts to complain to her about how much you are coming on to him because eventually he will be conflicted. He can't talk to her about it because she will get jealous and boo-hoo who will he talk to? Then you will inhabit a mysteriuos place in his mind that she won't be able to control.

If there is some kind of alliance about blame game stuff and past issues he is blaming you for as long as you remain willing...yes so very willing.. to submit to him in love and truth it will get into his head and she will not be able to get it out. That new woman that you show him will blow him away and the romance he allways wanted with you will seem possible. Heck he might even twist his arm outta joint patting himself on the back for picking you to begin with because "He Knew! he picked right".

I speak from a husbands point of view. My wife had screwwed up bigtime(affair with alcohol and PAs), verbal abuse and all of the stuff that comes with it, and I left. It took her 2 years to get me back. She did just about all the things these ladies are describing and also had no problem telling me she was fighting for her marriage and we were worth the fight. I had good reason not to come back but she really changed and it took that long for me to believe it. The visions of my wifes sultry looks at me when I would come over to see the kids and her complete turn around in stability eventually made the choice to come home the most comfortable one. Men are all about comfort at home it seems. Egos puffed up, KIng of the castle. Wife can't get enough of him....LOL. Well at least thats what you want him to see right now.
I seriuosly hope that you guys will experiance that later, I know its possible, but it will take some time after you both are in the next stage.

Oh yeah the blatent throwing yourself at him (when you can), behavior. Don't ever feel that you need to be sorry for it. If he gets mad then just be respectful and back off but keep a mischievous smile in your eyes. Don't ever apolgize for what he might call manipulation. Say that you are doing what you want to and sleeping with him is one of your top prioritys in life.

Ok girls, do you think thats sound advice? You guys really are awesome at this. Listen and trust these girls scotland. If what they are saying doesn't work the man has no pulse

I imagine that his moving away from you whenever your feet or knees happen to touch feels a bit like a gut punch.

This might help turn things around. Remember, so much of this is all in controlling your perception and having NO EXPECTATIONS. Right now you're touching him and secretly (or not so secretly) hoping he'll respond. When he makes an effort to move away, it hurts you. So you have to get rid of those (not so) secret expectations.

Try making a game in your head. Bet yourself that "this time he will rearrange his body but not actually scoot his chair/butt away" or "this time he will move a minimum of three inches" or "He's extra grumpy. This time he'll leave the room." Then put your hand on his shoulder and lean in to say something to him, or play footsie with him or whatever, and see how close you come.

I'm thinking if you "win" your little game in your mind, you'll have a slight smile playing at the corner of your lips. That will be confusing to him. If he exceeds your expectations or falls short of them, you might have a slight look of surprise. Also confusing to him, because he's expecting hurt or anger.

Dunno if that will help, but I thought I'd throw it out for consideration.

Sounds sound to me sortingitout.

I am going to keep it up the as best as I can. While we were out last night he kept ignoring me but I kept on saying and doing things. I made sure I dressed up I was showing of my best assets and I caught him looking a couple of times. He didn't say anything but I know he noticed. I touched him a couple times when I could and I tried to engage him whenever possible. It seemed weird to me that I should know that it is working because he is trying to avoid me instead of 2 weeks ago when I thought it was going well because he was joking and interacting with me.

On our way home I made sure to bring up some happy memories about when we used to drive off road. We got stuck many times and we had a lot of fun. We were sharing these memories with the kids. He was really excited to tell them everything and he even actually said good night to me when I went to bed. I am going to keep it up as much as I can it just seems really uncomfortable.

When I do the physical things, sometimes I think about the fact that as sick as this sounds, he feels like it is cheating on POSOW. That is why it bugs me. Oh well I will do what you suggest and make sure to keep it up.

I do have a question about the day that I ask him to leave. Should I ask him to come home early from work that day or just let him come home when he wants? Should the kids be there? I also think that he wants to take our bed. What should I do about that?

The Plan B letter is pretty much the one from SAA and then I have addendums to it on how to break NC with me and about finances and children visitation.

Also, what exactly should I say when telling him I am fighting for us and that I want marital recovery without sounding like I am talking about our R? I don't want to use any LBs and I can't quite figure out what is right.

I just want to make sure I do my best.

This is all in the Plan B letter - so that you don't LB and you get it right.
You actually say very little to him in person.
You hand him the letter and tell him that your heart is breaking, you know he is planning to leave you anyway, and you need him to go now instead of later.

If he asks questions, you say:

"It's all in the letter."

You keep the bed.
If he argues, you say:

"You're breaking my heart."

Don't argue about anything, you stick to your script of how much pain you are in.

You should probably start working on that letter.

He takes NOTHING from the marital home except his personal belongings. He is the one carrying on an A and breaking up the family ~ he does not get to furnish his new place with ANYTHING from your home.

Personally, I think your best bet is to have all of his stuff packed up and on the front porch with the Plan B letter on top so he sees it right away. CHANGE THE LOCKS THAT DAY. This step is crucial or he will waltz right in every chance he gets.

You don't need to explain anything to him about the PBL...it's all in there. You do have an intermediary (IM), right? THIS IS ALSO CRUCIAL. Don't even attempt PB without an IM, it's a disaster every single time.

Can you post your PBL here to make sure everything is covered? That would be helpful for you, we can make sure it's all good.

Start getting your ducks in a row for Plan B.

Finances? Does he provide all of your support? Do you need to file to maintain it or will he willingly comply? In your state can you file for separation rather than divorce? Have you consulted with an attorney? If not -- do so right away so that you know your rights in terms of:

Exclusive Use of Marital Home.
Exclusive Use of Marital property contained in the home (he gets his clothes.)
Primary Physical Custody of children
Preventing Children from exposure to affair (blocking OW)
Changing locks

Sometimes you need to file for temporary custody and support at the same time you go to Plan B-- if you think he will be outraged or non-compliant. If you depend on his income for support, you probably want to do that so that you are not worried about finances during his temper-tantrum.

Have you chosen the Plan B date? Its really important that you be completely unreachable. Can you take the boys and go away? Have someone at your house, but you be gone.


*****

About his mindset: He feels very OBLIGATED to OW by now. I hate to tell you this, but this is a long term entrenched affair. He has stalled as long as he could -- but now he's made promises to OW that he feels very obligated to fulfill. He really thought he could manipulate his "leaving" so that you would not know it was an affair.

He thought he could leave....stay with his "friend" OW.....and then make everyone believe that their relationship just developed due to her graciousness in helping him through his difficult time. The marriage was over, OW had NOTHING to do with the breakup of the marriage....

See?

That is why exposure is sooooo very critical. It ruins that fantasy and doesn't allow them to spin the story into some beautiful love story. Everyone will know and judge their sleazy actions.

Its especially important for your children to know EXACTLY who and what OW is. Their home-wrecker. She is their absolute enemy. She is pure EVIL to your children. And it is OK and APPROPRIATE for the children to be angry with their father.

And let me share something about my own experience going to Plan B.

The first week after I did it, I was okay and then WHAM! I was massively depressed/griefstricken. I had to start a supplement to handle my emotions. It is our own withdrawal from the one we love.

I personally took Sam-E but others take antidepressants.

Consider what you would do if you arrive at that juncture and maybe pre-start something with your physician's guidannce so you will be able to rise above and ride the waves.

Enjoy your plan A meanwhile!

See if any of this is useful:
Link to Plan B ideas

From a thread on Recovery Forum:


Link to article

FYI .....

With regards to changing the locks, I advised a real life BS here in Ontario to do this.
The BS said that they were told by their lawyer that this could not be done, that
you can't lock your spouse out of the marital home.
The BS explained it more, but I can't remember the details ..... sorry.

I'm telling you this so that you can be prepared if this is an issue.
Find out from your lawyer exactly how to do this the right way, if it can
be done.
The last thing you want is WH legally forcing you to change the locks back,
and then go in and out as he pleases.

In my case, I locked the doors with H's stuff in the drive, he pounded on the windows,
screamed vile stuff all the while red as a beet.
But .... he did respect my wishes to not come back in the home.

You may not be that lucky to have a co-operative WH.

I don't think he will argue about leaving. I do think he is going to be shocked that I am asking him to go but I think he will go. He thought I was kicking him out a week and a half ago and I said that I just wanted him out of the room not the house but then I invited him back into our room.

The funny thing is that he didn't want to take all of his stuff. It was like our home was going to be his storage unit. I did tell him that that wasn't happening and when I talked to OW that bad night, I told her that I hoped she had made plenty of room because she was getting all of his stuff too. Her response was snotty and she said "Why don't you just move in to?"

I do know that legally I am not allowed to change the locks but I am just going to ask him for the keys back.

The day I picked to do this is my birthday. I figure he picked our anniversary to give me the ILYBNILWY speech so I am taking some control back. I exposed to everyone I know will be in contact with them other than her side (I really can't find anyone there so that will be their refuge but I made sure that it is getting out to the employees at their work too.)

I do have an IM set up. It is a couple we have jointly known for 11 years and they are like second parents to us. Our kids even call them grandma and grandpa. They are very trustworthy and I know they want what is best for our family.

I am planning on putting his stuff on the porch and I wasn't sure what to do after that. Do I just let him come home and discover it? Do I not let the kids say good-bye?

My Dear WH,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. I focused too much on the children and neglected to meet your emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends x and x have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever is convenient to you and as discussed. But I will not be around when you pick them up for your visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through x and x.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with her. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW and are willing to ensure total separation (including a NO CONTACT for Life with her), I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing OW.

With my love,
BW



To break the No Contact with me these are the steps YOU must take
1. You must WANT to work on our marriage
2. You must end the affair with OW
3. You will write a No Contact letter to OW and have it okayed by me and then you will send it.
4. You will leave WORKPLACE (unless she has left first)
5. You will agree to follow a marriage counseling plan of my choosing.
6. You will take a sexually transmitted disease test and I will see the results.

Change the locks anyway. Just don't tell WH.
The only way he'll find out is if he tries to get in.


SEE how awesomely strong and brave you've become!



Wonderful!
Be sure they understand they are not to pass any emotional content on to you.
Business only.
Other than that, all WH's drama stops at their door.


This is your family.
What do you think the pros and cons are of either decision?
Noodle it out here.

PS
Have a plan for Christmas and New Years.

You might also get hold of his keychain that morning, and remove the key, if you think he won't notice it.

Well Christmas is always at my families house and Boxing day (day after xmas) is at my MIL. I have that he will be able to pick them up at 9 am and drop them off by 11pm. I also have to work the next morning so he will have to pick them up in the morning again. He won't have anywhere to take them but his place with her so I don't know where he is going to take them when he has them and how I can force him to not take them around her.