I'm just curious if anyone has advice on this.

I'm about 4 months removed from my divorce officially, and I find myself attracted to a friend of mine. Everything seems right, but when I chose to use my brain, I think about the stats regarding the 1st relationship of a divorce, and the possiblity of a rebound, and I just don't want to do that to her.

I've been trying to focus on other things, self improvement, my job, my kids, making new male friends, etc, but I still find myself wishing I could spend more time with her. I've even tried doing the casual dating thing, but my desire for that has basically dropped of in the past month or so. What seems to be keeping me away is that I'm not 100% sure what she thinks of me, so I don't push and risk the friendship. However, I don't think I'm very good at hiding how I feel.

So I guess I'm wondering, is there anything I can do to maintain a friendship till the timing is better?

I guess one thing that also seems to contribute to slowing things down is that we only communicate through text/email, no phone calls. We only meet in person with other friends around. Guess it's hard to start something with those kinda boundaries.

Has she shown any interest in you romantically? And how much of a hurry are you in to have a new relationship?

Oh, man, dkd, I'm still hoping your wife come around and ask you to sleep over or something to get your romantic relationship going again. Am I grasping at straws?

You can't have a 'friendship' with her anyway, as you are physically attracted to her. So, let her know what your interest is in her and kiss her. That will tell you what you want to know. If you continue on the 'friendship' path that you are now on, that is how she will see you.

I'm curious in this discussion, as I have an opposite problem: I, too, am 4 months removed from the divorce. Several men have expressed interest in me. Two are compatible enough that I'd like to explore a future relationship, but I'm just not ready right now.

Most of my story was deleted when the forum crashed, but basically I'm coming out of a really bad marriage and I think I need more time to process what caused me to fall into (and put up with) this marriage.

So how do I let these guys know that, yes, when I'm ready to date I would be interested in exploring the relationship with them, but I just don't feel ready... I know it would be asking them too much to wait a year or so (they're really nice guys, financially stable, will probably be snagged by then), but on the other hand, I don't want them to think I'm truly not interested.

I hear where your coming from, I am not ready to date at all and need to see why I made such poor choices before. I will take my time and wait till I am absolutly ready for dating. First I need to heal up and regroup myself before I am fit for it. LOL for me.. It may take forever.

NED, I just don't see that happening. She still has a BF as far as I know, and even if she did suddenlly ask me over, I would run the other way right now. There are so many things that would need to change for that to happen. I don't have any romantic feelings for her whatsoever.

But this friend, no, she hasn't done anything that I could clearly say showed interest romantically. Then again, she has not backed away from things that could be construed as such, even things displayed publicly. She is refreshly honest.

So anyway, I finally got the nerve to ask her out for this weekend and she said yes. Of course, I'm not 100% sure she sees it as a date, but we'll find out. I do hope to take it slow regardless (no kissing right away if I can keep my head about me). I like her, but there is still much I don't know about her.

Daisy & Sorting, don't rush it. I must admit, that I think way too much and I have a pretty good idea of what I did wrong, and what I want going forward. I feel prety confident that I won't settle for less.

You know, I kinda think online or blind dating is a good way to go when you're thinking about dating again. It's much easier to use your head to evaluate what you think of someone before your emitions get tied up in it, as often with a friend's first person.

But if you run into the right person now, just tell them the truth. You think they're great and would love to go out with them when you get your stuff sorted. They may be available when you are, maybe not, but you gotta have faith that it's the truth that will get you where you want to be.

To me, male/female friendships are DANGEROUS because of EXACTLY this.

Sure there are some that are purely platonic, if BOTH of the friends feel that way. (I have some myself). But the sad thing is, many times someone feels as you, but then NEVER voices the feelings.

Honesty is the best policy. Honesty is the best policy. Honesty is the best policy.

Consider:
You never tell this girl how you feel, and remain friends. Things are good, you may become close friends. NOW you meet another girl you are interested in and get romantic with her.

Do you tell the new girl you had/have romantic feelings for the friend? If you don't, isn't that a lie by omission? Aren't you taking HER right to choose away by hiding the information? If you do, do you think new girl will be OK with you maintaining the friendship? How hard will it be for you to give up the close friend? Which may be required by new girl. What happens if the close friend develops feelings AFTER new girl is on the scene?

See what I mean? If you have feelings for her, the ONLY relationship with her that MAKES SENSE is a romantic one. All others will result in someone getting hurt in the future. So TELL HER. If the feelings aren't mutual, then you sort of need to say "It would be unwise for us to continue, because the relationship will be too one-sided." and you move on.

We all talk about how our marriages need to be balanced, Giver to Taker, equally yoked, whatever. But really, our RELATIONSHIPS need to be balanced too.

Woops. Didn't see your last post dkd.

Glad you asked her out. Be honest. Anyone who doesn't appreciate honesty, you don't want anyway.

You say:

"I am actually really interested in you, but I have just been through a traumatic marriage and divorce. I am afraid that if we started anything right now, I would make a lot of mistakes because I would react to you like I did my ex. That wouldn't be fair to you, and I wouldn't want to jeopardize something that might be really great. We may be the right people, but this just isn't the right time."

That keeps everything about them positive, in your mind and theirs, and is the truth. How can you go wrong with that?

But look at the last line, it would be wrong to expect them to wait on you.

NCW, for the most part I agree with you, but I don't think friendship is an all or nothing sort of thing....there are many levels. A woman doesn't have to be in my inner circle of closest friends, or someone I never see or hear from again. It can be someone I see at church or amoung a group of frineds, or catch up with once a month. And if I'm not romantically interested with, she can be someone I talk to and see a movie with sometimes....when I'm not dating someone else.

And yes, I asked her out, but she cancelled on me. She said she needed to catch up on work and was behind on Christmas preparations. I have trouble believing it, but she does work alot and even missed bible study the following Monday for the same reason. Still, it seems like you could find time on a Saturday night if you wanted to. I'm taking a wait and see approach. I really don't know what's going on with her...a little worried.

Not saying opposite sex friendships are all or nothing.

Just saying that if one wants to be more than friends, and the other does not, it will not end well. As long as it is clear to both there is nothing romantic, then it would work OK.

Having said THAT - once you DO get married, they are DANGEROUS DANGEROUS DANGEROUS because exactly what Harley says - this opposite sex friend OUTSIDE of your marriage can make deposits in you love bank. And seldom make withdrawals. Because people always put on their best masks when out in public. Whereas you see the wrinkles and the farting and the bad habits of your spouse. Once an opposite sex partner outside the marriage has the ability to exceed your spouses love bank deposits in a given week, watch out.

So.... with that in mind, yes, I have female friends now. But they are kept at arms length. Because when *I* get married next, I am going to shore up my defenses tightly and defend my relationship to my spouse.

Let me ask you this - what emotional need, other than sexual fulfillment, could an opposite sex friend meet that a same sex friend could not? MAYBE affection. And that's a maybe. Having said that, why play with fire, then? It's just as easy to have same sex friends.

Or does that sound too extreme...

And, how many days notice did you give her? In the adult world, I am pretty accounted for a week out. I am lucky if I can fit something in with less than 7 days notice.

She may have said "Yes" wanting to, then canceled after checking the schedule.

This hasn't been my experience. I've been divorced for less than a month and I've had a few old (male) friends from my home town contact me....I find that even though I am not ready to date (and I don't want to date outside my faith) that feelings of attraction can come on rapidly. I have been trying to examine this and I'm leaning toward thinking that I've been so badly emotionally neglected for so long (in my marriage) that I am just easily affected by kindness from other men. I'm thinking it would be easy for me to get in too deep waaaaay too fast and with a man that is totally not right for me. Not sure how to handle that without plastering a sign on my forehead that says, 'I just want to chat and catch up, don't ask me out or express any interest in me.' I wonder how that would look on my FB profile? LOL

SW, I'm on the divorce track, but I have to wait out the mandatory six months before the decree can be finalized.

Everyone has advised me that I shouldn't even think of dating for a minimum of six months afterward (total time = one year). My attorney told me "no girl friends" during the waiting period, so when I say everyone, I mean everyone!

I think part of the problem with my recent marriage is that I went into it too quickly. I wanted a loving relationship more than I wanted stability, equality and maturity. So I let myself be conned by a sociopathic woman who'd left multiple marriages, abandoned her children, was fiscally irresponsible, emotionally manipulative and lacking any conscience or regret. I'm paying for that now.

Having suffered betrayal, deceit, dishonesty and emotional abuse, not only am I in need of recuperation, but my senses of trust and self-preservation are in dire need of repair.

There is a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The caution I'm giving you is the one I need to heed: Take the time to heal. When you start a relationship, your Giver and your Taker get put into overdrive. Right now, during the healing period, your Taker needs to be dominant to help you build up your own sense of self-worth and protective defenses. Otherwise, we are more vulnerable and too susceptible to injurious relationships. And that's the last thing we need!

My D day was early May. Got him out of the house 3 weeks later. Someone mentioned how important it is to go through a whole year of various special dates and activities alone before dating.


I've read the above several times just now. GREAT advice. Thank you. Feeling a little overwhelmed by things right now. I need to step back and breathe and remember my top ten list and stick to it.

SW,

How long was your marriage? My first few after M relationships were OK, but not great. One of the reasons was I had to unlearn that the current woman I was dating was NOT my ex-wife.

My conditioned responses to her actions were because of years of being married to her. New GFs would do the same actions (for different reasons) and my condition response would surface. These were NICE women, but I would do the old "conclusion jump" and it would, unfairly to them, cause trouble.

It took a while to get out of the old habits from my ex.

Interesting point - do you "burn" a few relationships to get through that? In truth, I realized what I was doing on my second after D relationship and started guarding against it. It didn't always work.

NCW, I gave her a weeks notice. Her son got sick during the week, which put per a behind on work. That's her reason.

A couple weeks have passed since then and it seems obvious that she either just wants to be friends, thinks I'm not ready for a relationship and is trying to stall, or expects to be completely pursued. Ok.

I find the whole giver/taker thing rather interesting right now. I watch it closely within myself. I don't think I'm all taker as I do find myself giving and feeling good about it, however, I do feel like I need to receive a whole lot. I'd probably be classified as needy, but I don't think I can do much about how I feel when needs aren't met, and use my head and don't blame someone for not meeting my needs. It's not a matter of fault.

That said, not sure where that puts me as far as dating goes. In some respects, I know I'd be a much better catch in a couple months, but it somewhat bothers me that someone I know now could be interested later...if they see it as my problem. Dating isn't 'for better for worse', but I'd like to think there's an internal connection that goes beyond just what I do or what I have to offer at the moment.

As far as having needs met through a same sex friend...that works to an extent, and I have worked on that. For one, I've met more single women then men, but I have gone on a couple 'man dates' with some success. Most frineds are married, and trying to get together is a huge chore. And yes, there is the affection factor.

I think the 'special date' thing is pretty interesting too. I had a few casual dates with a woman who didn't want a relationship since she wanted to spend time with friends, wanted to spend time with her kids, and having her alone time as top priorities. She wanted to just have a guy or two she went out with once a month or so, but know commitment. I really wasn't interested in signing up for that as I know I'd be up for more of a commitment then that. I'd probably go out with her if she wanted to have dinner or something, but I wouldn't think about getting close.

To be honest though, there I things I need to do with my life that I want to pursue regardless of whether I'm dating or not. So that's what I need to do. It's just that life would be a bit sweeter if I shared it...and the lonely times were far less frequent.

I find the giver/taker thing real interesting, too. I usually consider myself a giver, but have had the taker surface very strongly, surprising me. Rereading about it, I learned that it is a natural defense mechanism when a relationship gets lopsided and you are giving out of proportion to the other person. It is not a bad thing, but the feelings the taker inspires are harder to deal with and CHOOSE to do the good thing, than those the giver sends out.

I have the greatest success in a relationship NOT when I give 100%, but when I match my partners giving. That keeps us equally yoked and seems healthier to me. Understanding that at times, one will always be giving more than the other, I'm talking overall effort. Do I keep score? Hell yes. I make an effort to. That SOUNDS real immature, but what I have learned is my "emotional self" is going to do it anyway. So I might as well apply some logic to it.

Do I take this logical score keeping and use it as a weapon? No. I don't say something like "Honey, you picked the last three movies, so I get to pick the next three." What I do is, if it feels like they are lagging behind in the giving department, I back off a bit on my end to let them catch up. If I see I'm falling behind, I put out effort to catch up. I have found that THAT is what keeps the selfish taker at bay, seems to be working for me.

One of my favorite quotes by Mark Twain is "Grief can take care of iteself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."

So I completely understand the whole thing about wanting a partner.

Know what I have done? Decided to be completely forthright with whomever I date that is a female. If I just want to be friends, I'm clear about it. If I want more, I'm clear about it. Then I let the chips fall where they may. Basically, I just don't have the time or the inclination for games, because like you there are things I need to do with my life too.

Here is what I have learned:

If being forthright ends up being a turn off, and the other person doesn't want a relationship of any type because of that, then I am better off without them. It is a big sign of a lack of maturity if someone at our age (hovering around 40) can't just be honest or handle honesty like that. So it ends up saving a lot of time and aggravation finding that lack of maturity the hard way. That I'm all for.

26 year marriage.


I'm still a little PTSSish...LOL....yesterday while on a day trip with my sister, her husband and 5 kids I left my camera at my friend's house. Realized it 5 miles down the road and my BIL turned around to go back for it. I was aware of the thumping in my chest as I told myself---this is not your XH, there is not going to be any raging over a forgotten item and a few extra miles of driving.

The thing is though that we all at times react differntly to the same circumstances with different people involved. As we were driving back to get my camera, my sister's kids all started teasing their dad how nice he was to ME about forgetting something compared to how he does THEM when they forget things. We had a good laugh but it made me think how I treat new men in my life (or old friend's renewed) so differently than I did my XH. I guess that is the process of owning my stuff and learning from the past.

I am shocked at how quickly men began to approach me. It is overwhelming. I've yet to be on ONE date....I'm mostly getting guys who make me feel reeeeally good with conversation but I don't really want to start dating. It is hard to break off talking though. Hard to not to just let things go with the momentum instead of being deliberate in my choices.

I am also VERY surprised that so many men are interested in a woman with such conservative religious views and values.