Upon confession, I told my fwxw that "I was glad it was her and not me!" Never did it hit home til this weekend. We RARELY talk about the A anymore at all but "somehow" fwxw brought up my lack of "emotional connectivity" pre-A this weekend. I said, well, I guess I developed it as a child as a defense mechanism to never get too close to anyone for fear of getting hurt. She then said, "Well, if you would have opened up to me I wouldm't have HURT YOU". I'm like are you saying the defense mechanism that probably saved my life was BAD??! I then saw it in her eyes. The actualization of what she had done as a wayward. So, the sad eyes came upon her and then she broke down. Then she said she was so mad at me when the A started. I responded w/ "you know POSOM and you "convinced" yourself of my "evilness" " when evidence to the contrary was MASSIVE. She is really defogging something fierce. The blameshifting, history re-writing is regressing. I think she might fall into depression as her brain ween's herself off of her defense mechanisms. When she says how selfish and destructive she was, I really don't know what to say? Other than, YEP, YOU WERE and I acted out badly as well in retaliation. Do I alleviate her pain/guilt w/ pulling back some of the blame for the A or is it inevitable(Depression) and I should just let it run its course? Please help fWWs? You know what helps and what she needs?

DUDE

>She is really defogging something fierce.

I'm glad, because from everything you've said here I think she is a very redeemable person.

The best thing my H did for me (well one of them) was to let me take the fall. No one had ever done that before. He loved me, but he didn't soften the blow of what I did. When I talked about how awful I had been, he agreed. He wasn't mean at all. He just didn't let me off the hook of my own responsibility. I did crash, so much so that he took me to the ER. But I am bipolar, so that was a factor.

I think our society gives us too much of a free pass when we screw up. That's why we don't learn. H didn't do that. And I know it was tough for him to see me crumble. But sometimes the building has to be rubble before you can build a new one.

Its good. I think I did the right thing of making her own everything she did. I always say "I could have reacted BETTER"?!! We've learn alot. Life is great!!(except the cowboys lost!)

DUDE

She is a SAINT...Thats how I know ANYONE can go wayward. If she did it, NO ONE IS IMMUNE..DUDE

My H flat out told me that nothing in my A was his fault. Deep down I knew he was right and I owned up to everything. The only thing he did for me was tell me that I was still a good person deep down. Seeing how much I really hurt him made me feel horrible. I think if he had softened the blow with something about how he could have done things differently it wouldnt have hurt me as much seeing him hurt. He was sooo mad and I hadnt ever seen him that way. But as mad as he was he was there for me up until the point he needed some self recovery.

I havent posted here in a while and have been trying to work on being a better person--the person I sould be. Last night my H and I talked and he said he does want to stay married. Its been almost a year since he realized he wasnt recovering from finding out.

My fwxw and now overcompensating for her A.(I think!) Trying to do everything in the world good. Give big money, other assets to charity(Offering my assets!!). Running herself down trying to be the good samaritan for EVERYONE. I told her you can't save the world. All of it won't make the A go away. DUDE

No

I have only seen my DH cry five times during the 18 years that I have known him. Four of those time have been since D-Day. One day when I was in my psychotic state after D-Day and I was going off on him really bad he disappeared. I looked for him and I found him sitting in a closet crying. When I opened the door he begged me not to leave him and to forgive him. He said that he was so stupid and broken and he would never hurt me again. He told me that the times he withdrew from me during his A he felt like garbage because he knew that he had been with a woman whom he called a low life sl*t. He said that he was also a pig for doing what he did. He said that him and the XOW were trash and he cried for hours. I realize that day that he was in so much pain for hurting me. My DH never blamed me for his A. He said from day one that it was him and his issues which caused him to commit adultery. It's good that he didn't because I would have never stayed M to him if he had ever blamed me for something so terrible. My DH has done a 360 degree change for the better, and I can say that I am proud of him.

I don't subscribe to the theory that anyone can have an A. I truly believe that I am one of those ppl who truly could never sleep with another man and come home to my DH. I just couldn't. I also have too much respect for myself to allow a man to use my body without a commitment. Never could give it up like that and I never will. I am not judging I just know me. I am in my 40s and I know what I am capable of.