My H claimed today to have no idea why our 16 year old will have nothing to do with him. I told him he could probably guess, but he said no. He knows that she figured out that he was having an affair before I did, not to mention the fact that she is obviously very angry that he left his children. He couldn't understand why she won't talk to him, even when he told her that he wouldn't give her her birthday money unless she did. I told him that she viewed it as a matter of principle, and he said he didn't understand what principles had to do with it. After going on for several minutes, during which he said that he didn't have time to talk about it right now, he cut off my one sentence response, spent several more sentences going on about it, and when I asked him why he was angry at me he said because I kept talking about it when he said he didn't have time to. Is it just my imagination, or is he completely irrational?<P>It is especially hard because we can discuss almost anything calmly, including financial matters, as long as it doesn't relate to the OW.

Nellie,<P>From your description, your husband is acting irrational. It is probably due to his feeling remorse at losing the respect of his daughter, which is a tough thing to handle for any loving dad. The loss of respect might be temporary, but with a teen, the loss could go on indefinitely. He very likely knows this and it hurts. Give him some time to get over it and mend with his daughter.

Hi nellie, has your h always been so out of touch with the kids? Seems that he is out there-witholding b-day money?! That is irrational, and sure would tick off any teen I know! Maybe he needs the book "How to talk so children will listen".<BR>He keeps talking, will not let you answer much because he is afraid of what you might say? If he makes enough noise, no one else can? Or is he nervous?

When the kids were little, he was very close to them. As they got older, he still did a lot of things with them, but rarely talked to them. A couple of weeks before he left he took the teen who is not speaking to him on a college visit, and did a number of entertainment type things. She said later she wondered why he kept offering to buy her things. He probably knows that withholding the money won't hurt her much - it was supposed to be for towels and sheets and other stuff she needed for college. He knows that I have already bought her that stuff, and she was planning to use a good deal of the birthday money to reimburse me.

He knows what he's doing is wrong. He would have to be at the "ready to be institutionalized" state to be ignorant of the immorality of his behavior. When you speak, he's reminded of his responsibility. He's at the stage where he's trying to put the whole thing out of his brain so he can go on with his life somewhat enjoyably. He will never have that peace. Anyone feel sorry for him? Check back in a few years and I bet you will.

They are totally irrational. Some of the reasons my Wife told me she left was because I didn’t buy Coca Cola (she didn’t ask me too) and I bought wheat bread, not white. She also told me I made oat bran muffins 10 years ago. Talk about having to hold in a laugh. If I wasn’t ready to cry at the time we were talking, I would have rolled on the floor!<P>Don’t try to get them to see your point of view, it won’t work. They know what they are saying is a bunch of crap, but they can’t or won’t come up with the real reasons.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Boy - you described a confrontation from a conflict avoider.<P>A good defense is a good offense?<P>This is my husband's confrontational style. Then it is run run run run run..... Really familiar?<P>He doesn't feel safe. He won't open up to you - he sees you and the kids as enemies. How do you fix that? It's a tough one. You have to build trust - like you would with your best friend. Do you want to Nellie?

I don't understand why my H seems to be so afraid of other peoples' anger. He is bothered by the kids fighting, by their temper tantrums, he has told me it bothered him when he used to fight with his brother as a kid. I know his father has been angry with his father on at least a couple of occasions as an adult, but I don't think he has ever said a word to him. I know his father has always treated my H's brother much better than my H.<P>My H took care of the kids all day today, at our house, which he hasn't done in months. He was so cheerful when I got home, although I suppose it might have been because I got home early and he could leave early. Sometimes it seems like the longer he is away from the OW the more cheerful he is. It was odd, because he was complaining about work, which usually makes him anything but cheerful.<P>I went upstairs tonight and discovered that he took a bunch more of his stuff. It breaks my heart all over again each time he does that.

Is that just a glimmer of hope - that hubby spent so much time at the house? <P>Did you thank him?<P>Can you just try to be his best friend right now - kind of change roles a little and build a little trust with him?<P>I'm sorry it hurts so bad, Nellie. You've got so much invested. Is that what you want - is to work it out?

trustntruth,<BR>Yes, I want to work it out. I don't understand why he blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life, if I wasn't meeting his "needs" I don't know what I wasn't doing. I asked him a few months ago whether or not he thought I acted like I loved him over the years, and he told me that I did. His father rejected him to some extent, he wasn't popular in high school, his first wife dumped him, and now it is his turn, I guess.<P>He took care of the kids so I could take one of the older ones to college. I am sure the reason he didn't take them to the OW's house was that she was working and wouldn't be there. <P>I have been trying to be his best friend. He seems to be ok with that, but I am always walking on eggshells because if I ever inadvertently say anything he disagrees with, he accuses me of arguing with him. About two years elapsed between the time he met his first wife and she left him, I think. About a year and 8 months elapsed between the time he and I started to date and the time the early "in-love" stage was over for him. He has been seeing her for 10 months, but by the time it is over, he will have managed to divorce me and he will be so committed to her by guilt and finances that it will be too late.