Pepper- I thought of the removing the key thing but he will definitely notice since he leaves while we are all sleeping and so locks the door.

That wasn't me

You can't. Unless you file for legal separation and make that one of the stipulations.
But, if you think he will bring the kids around the homewrecker, have a heart-to-heart talk with the kids BEFORE this happens. Tell them they can call you anytime, if anything is upsetting to them.
Chances are, if he brings them to be with OW, the kids will call you ... and the adultery "party" is ruined.

Now about the kids being here when it happens:
Pro: WH will see the looks on their faces as he is leaving
WH and children won't actually see eachother for 8 days
Cons: kids will be sad (this is a big deal) but they will be sad anyways
WH will accuse me of using them


I just don't know which way to go. I know that some people have argued that he needs to have the memory of their sad faces as he left but I am asking him to go so I don't know if that will benefit me or not

I guess I am getting them their own cell phone after all BOY that will make my 9 year old's day

I'd base my decision on the most vulnerable child and what's best for him/her.

This is the finances part

Finances
-You have agreed to continue to put your Pay Cheques in the bank accounts for the time being. The express understanding is that any monies taken out by either party is out of necessity for living.

-At such time when You feel that you no longer would like to do this I will require 30 days WRITTEN notice. (any fees arising out of no notice shall be paid by you)

When the finances are separate I would ask for the following
-$x every 2 weeks for child and spousal support to be deposited into the joint account by 10 am on our regular pay day(to be negotiated higher if your wage should increase)
-$x every 2 weeks for truck payment so as not to bounce anything (unless you would like to change where this comes out of)
-$x every month for your Cell phone
-$x by the 20th of every month for the truck insurance
-Credit card payments will be made by you, as I no longer have access to it and none of the charges after December 1st are mine.

-You will keep me on as a second driver on the insurance until June 30th 2010 when I will be able to find my own.
-You will keep the children on your benefits at work for as long as you have coverage
-You will keep me on your benefits until June 30, 2010

-You will remove any items that you wish from the shed by January 5, 2010 or any items left will be considered abandoned and I will do what I please with them.
-You will also remove the grandam from the driveway by the same date or it will also be considered abandoned.

Take this out. He doesn't just get to "feel like" not supporting his family. Tough sh*t. it's his responsibility and having an A doesn't excuse him from this.

Also...explain to your IMs that they are "spam filters". They shouldn't forward emails or messages directly from him and they should take out EVERYTHING EVEN REMOTELY EMOTIONAL.

For example: one time my FWH took some great pics of one of our kids and asked our IM to fwd them to me. She thanked him for the nice pics but said she will not be forwarding them...that he can show them to me personally when he moves back home.

He also was reading my posts here and wanted to respond to one of my posts and tell me how sorry he was that I was hurting so badly...she again told him she would not be passing that info on to me, he could tell me himself when he agreed to my PB conditions.

Hope this helps.

Ok, a few little suggestions on your PBL.

My Dear WH,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. I focused too much on the children and neglected to meet your emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.Take this part out - it sounds like you are taking responsibility for his choice to cheat. Maybe change it to "...and I'm sorry."

I am willing "have learned"to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past. I look forward to creating a new life for both of us that meets both our needs. But we cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all.

Until then, I have chosen to avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends x and x have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever is convenient to you and as discussed. But I will not be around when you pick them up for your visit. I would delete that sentence. Let him find it out the hard way. If you need to communicate urgent information about the children or finances, it will need to be through x and x.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot bear to be with you any longer, knowing that you are also with her. I still love you but I cannot keep seeing you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW and are willing to ensure total separation (including a NO CONTACT for Life with her)change to a more simple, "have no contact with her for the rest of your life", I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day change to "today". I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing OW. To me, this is kind of a downer to end on. Maybe something like "I look forward to the day when we will always be together," or something muchy like that. It makes a much stronger ending than tossing the irrelevant OW in there as your final word.

With my love,
BW

I would caution against doing this on your birthday. Just in case you do succeed in recovering your marriage (or even if you don't for that matter), you don't need your birthday to be such a potentially bad trigger day.

Also change the first paragraph. You aren't responsible for his choice to cheat. You are 1/2, he is 1/2.

To break the No Contact with mePerhaps change to, "Before I will consider resuming direct communication with you, these are the steps YOU must take:
1. You must WANT to work on our marriage
2. You must end the affair with OW
3. You will write a No Contact letter to OW and have it okayed by me and then you "I" will send it - this is crucial!!!! You CANNOT trust a waynerd to actually mail the letter. will send it.
4. You will leave WORKPLACE (unless she has left first)
5. You will agree to follow a marriage counseling plan of my choosing.
6. You will take a sexually transmitted disease test and I will see the results.

Also, you might want to hold onto this list. Being willing to go NC with the OW is your first and foremost hurdle. If he contacts the IM's and expresses his willingness for NC, then the IM's could give him this list to work on. After that, he would be able to talk to you for as long as he proceeded with R. A breach of NC, and it's right back to the cooler for him!

It might be a bit much for him to digest at the beginning of Plan B. Being evicted from his cake-eating haven and told he can't come back till he ditches the witch is already almost more than his little alien=scrambled brain can take in all at once.

I agree on holding the list of requirements for if he comes to talk from B.

Make it the touching love letter with the requirement of permanent no contact with OW and have the list of items available if and when the time comes.

I have my list of requirements for if I ever cross that bridge
routine lie detector
letter to OW that I read and see mailed
move to another area (she is very near by)
counseling with a Harley

the part that I have in the finances part about giving me 30 days notice is because he said he is going to put his pay cheques in to the bank as usual. I just wanted to make sure then when he decides to stop (because I am sure OW won't be happy about him supporting ME). I guess I could just put the first line in and then give my IM the list of the support and stuff for after.

I am changing the letter with your edits, and I will give IM the list to break no contact with me.

In SAA it said that Jon sent the letter to Greg too with the bottom line added. Do you think that is a good idea?

Last night, I Plan A'd my butt off and made sure to touch him as often as possible. The first few times that I did it he didn't even react. My game was to see how many times I would have to touch him before he would react. Well, it took 6 touches but that is probably because I made the last one a good one. I leaned over with my "assets" out and lightly touched behind his head (this drives him NUTS). His reaction wasn't to pull away (which I thought for sure he would do) instead he just said "WHAAAAHT" and I said "Oh, nothing" and went to bed. I made sure that when he came to bed I was "on display" and he wrapped himself up in his blanket and rolled over.

I touched him 6 more times while he was in bed and sleeping until he reacted and got angry that I woke him up. I simply said "I couldn't resist"

It is hard to keep up the charade when what I really want to flick him in the head and tell him how mad I am at him but I am doing what is best.

I have chosen my birthday because it is Dec 18. I could do it on Dec 19 instead. The only thing is that he would be home and so would the kids. I could call in sick to work on Dec 17th and do it that day but then the kids would have to go to school the next morning. Dec 18th just seems like the best choice and it doesn't bother me that it is my bday and he doesn't really care about birthdays and stuff anyways.

I'm a big fan of sending the OW a copy of the PBL. However, if you do, you might add one more line in the last paragraph making VERY clear that you are not giving up. "I believe in our M, I believe in you, and I am not giving up on us." Etc.

~Snicker~ about the Touch Game. You're doing great!

As far as which day to choose, pick what works best for you. With your birthday at this time of year, there will be triggers no matter what you decide on. For me, the first year or two was pretty triggery around that time, but after that it was more of hoo-yeah, I'm da woman!!! It's a day of celebration and triumph, and rejoicing in God's victory. Chances are, you'll be able to claim it as V-day, too, no matter what happens.

Although you won't have a choice over what triggers you, it will just do it, you can choose which triggers you work at to reclaim as part of your life. (I think of it as peeing on stuff to make it mine again, lol.)

Also, when you have a chance, look on here for some of the IM threads. There is lots of helpful advice that might benefit your IM's, and prepare them for what they may experience.

The only thing I would change is being specific about the Emotional Needs you are aware of, what you will change to fulfill those in the future.

He will probably not throw this letter away and will reread it later. Let it be a reminder of your Plan A...

Whatever EN's you know he wants and will remember, state those...like "I know I focused on the children and on life and did not give you enough affection and appreciation. I do appreciate you and love to hug and kiss you and promise when our M is recovered I will continue to appreciate you and hug and kiss you and will not forget to do this again."

Just an example. Using the term EN doesn't have the same power as spelling out specific actions.

Think of him reading this letter later after he gets into a raging argument with OW about the kids or finances or how he is still hung up on you and he is reminded how he has a loving wife at home that appreciates and wants to be affectionate (or whatever his most important EN's are) and how you will look like filet mignon, and she will look like chopped liver.

What will help in Plan B is to think that she gets a shame-ridden WH that is a shadow of hisself. And you are waiting until he wakes up and wants to stand up again.

Yay on the touches!

Sending a copy to the OW is great for these reasons:

Let's her know YOU sent him away (he can't tell her he left because of his being hot to be her man)

She realizes (even down deep if nowhere else) that it is NOT over even though he is seperated

It is an example how deeply loved he is by his wife (the love letter aspect) and she has been avoiding that idea and thinking you two are nothing as a romantic couple.

You could have him leave and then let a few days pass before handing him the actual letter and going to B. In the book they do that and posters here have mentioned that the novelty of being out of the house wears off and it allows you a few days to be in contact to iron things out (kids visitation, finanacial stuff).

Maybe get him out on the 19th and stay wonderfully civil and on the 23rd give him the letter and go dark (explaining your pain dealing with the affair since you love him so very much)? Just an idea.

Well now more DRAMA. WH called me today which was totally unexpected. I said "Hello" and he said "My work would like me to tell you to stop emailing and calling them. There is nothing they are going to about this." I said, "Um I don't understand" Then he said "they want you to stop emailing them and calling them there is nothing for them to do." I said "Ok but I didn't email." then he said "well they just said to stop. Oh and BTW I have a list of people who you can talk to about it and they will get fired." I said "what do you mean?" and he said "there is a list of people you can call and when they tell you anything about it they will get fired because it goes against our confidentiality agreement."

I couldn't believe it. I mean there is a possible sexual harrassment case out of this because if others are uncomfortable with their relationship and have mentioned it to management and nothing came of it they can sue.

When I got off of the phone I felt totally hopeless. I mean I am trying very hard to keep the Plan A going and when these things come up it is hard to do. I have to go to work tonight too and things always tend to happen when I have to go to work.

My mom was here when I got the call and she started telling me how he was being a POSWH and really cruel and I didn't deserve this and in a few weeks after I get over him I can find someone better and move on. She said I had to grieve first and move on and I said I really want to save this marriage and I know that it is possible and right now he is being an a_- but I still love him tremendously and I believe in marriage. I don't believe in living in unhappiness but the worst thing we had in our M before this was that we BOTH didn't know how to meet eachother's ENs and we let our Taker do the talking and did a lot of LBs.

I am feeling pretty low right now because of our conversation on the phone. He wasn't angry he was snotty and cruel. I think he was enjoying it. I know I have to keep Plan A and meet emotional needs that I can but honestly when I get like this I almost want to give up.

Scotland,

Don't let WH's call shake you up too much....it is possible that they came down on him for the A and told him to keep it out of the workplace and he retaliated by calling you and telling you they told him to tell you to stop. The added bit about people who will be fired if they talk to you is possibly because they are making him uncomfortable and causing the employer to look more closely at WH and OW's activities.

ok I never thought of it that way. I thought of it as truth (SILLY ME). It is possible that they asked him to pass on the info but I only sent 2 letters and called once and I know it couldn't have been done in an official way because THEY would have sent me a letter or something.

I know that they aren't going to do anything about it and I actually have noone who is going to put pressure on them. It seems that WH has created a life where he can get away with this type of behaviour and still go about life as usual.

Oh well, thanx anyways. I just needed to vent and get a bit of a pick me up before I had to deal with work. They are understanding there and have done many things to support me but I don't want to be crying and sad there all of the time, i don't want to risk my job.

He didn't have the facts correct which backs up the idea that he and OW were "talked" to today. And neither of them was very happy about it.

Great job Plan Aing him! You are amazing!