Hi I posted here awhile ago, but can' seem to find the thread.
My H had an affair while I was away working, I was away from him for 3 months and the affair started after 2 months and only lasted 2 and a half months. But I can't seem to get over it. He says he is sorry and it won't happen again, that he never stopped loving me or caring about me, and that worries me because I think, if he never stopped loving me and he hurt me this way, what hope is there that he won't do it agian, because he is capable of cheating while he still loves me. He said he never meant to hurt me, but how do you have an affair knowing what it will do to your spouse and say you don't want to hurt them. He says he was angry that I was gone. Now he acts like nothing happened, he treats me like he did before he started the affair, and all I want is to be able to feel that its real, and about me, I want to be able to stop thinking about him being with the OW. When he holds me, I think of him holding her, when he kisses me, it the image of them in my head, and I need a way to get it out, to stop thinking about it, and think about the future and being enough for him from now on, but all my self esteem and confidence is gone, and I feel so inadequate now about everything.
I feel that if I can't get it out of my head, this will be the reason we don't make it. I was hoping that I could get some advice on how some of you got over what your WS's did, how did you move on and accept what happened. I still feel betrayed and stupid for ever believe that he could love me enough not to hurt me, that I was enough to keep him happy.
All I do now is compare myself to her, if she is better than me, or if he had more fun with her, if he touched her the way he touches me or if he looked at her the way he used to look at me, and it drives me crazy, I want to forget her, and what he did, but my heart hurts so much I don't know how.

Please help me, any advice would be appreciated.

You will hear this a lot, and it is a very difficult concept to accept. But, his cheating had nothing to do with you. Hard to understand, eh? But, the more good, attractive people tht I met who have been cheated on, the clearer this becomes to me.

Now, for the meat of your question, how to accept and move on. Seems people have very different makeups as regards the ability to remain married and be somewhat happy afer infidelity has touched the relationship. Most folks do not stay and the stats bear this out. These are good, decent, forgiving folks, by and large, but , the truth is that it is just too big a betrayal for most to get past. Kind of like becoming friends with a drunk driver that has killed a loved family member. There are folks that can do this, but just not too many.
As you have identified, you now know with absolute certainty that your H is capable of cheating on you. In fact , all it took was a very short term absence and he went this route.
So, now you must be left with a lot of doubt. What if a real crises occurred, like a health issue or a finanacial hit. If you were incapacitated for a longer time because of health, it seems very likely your H would cheat.
I say this because his actions do not show he has any desire to examine himself or change. He wants this behind him without doing the grunt work.
It really is impossible to motivate someone who is not motivated from within to get help.
Seems the willingness of the WS to repair him/herself and the marriage is just about as critical as the BS's cpacity to get past this. Without a good combination of a hardworking WS and a Bs who has an atypical capacity to move on, divorce is the best way to , eventually, get this behind you.

cb,

Some quick advice. You will never forget. The feelings associated with the memories will gradually fade and disassociate with your memories.

I would tell you that rather than try to forget, try something else. What would that be? Learning from this and making the marriage better. Your H needs to also learn from this and make the marriage better.

My suggestion is that the two of you start a conversation about what each of you have learned, what you are changing based on what you learned, what you want your marriage to be like and how to use what you learned to get to that point.

You don't get "over" this stuff, you get through it. One way is to learn from it, and based on what each of you learned develop plans to make your marriage better, protect your marriage better, and use each other for guidance.

Your H chose you to marry. He has chosen to remain married to you. So you are the chosen one. You have to make similar choices. But, one thing to remember and I tell people this frequently. Your concerns about

There is a very small chance, that your are the prettiest woman in the world. There is a very small chance that you are the sexiest, the smartest, the tallest, the shortest, the best cook, the worst cook, etc. There is a very small chance that he is any of these things either from your point of view.

What you two need to discuss and decide is are you willing to meet your vows with regard to this marriage. That means that you promise to love, NOT FEEL IN LOVE. You promise to quit looking and accept that you each made a decision and a choice and will do your best to make the others decision and choice a good one.

You are going to say, "But, JL he is the one that cheated, why are you telling me this stuff, I get it."

I am sure you do, but what you don't get yet but you will if you read the articles her, is that neither of you had a plan to protect yourselves, each other, and the marriage. The Harley's are big on plans and there is a reason. Intentions are well and fine, but they are like my diet plan. I plan to lose 20 lbs. Now I haven't pick a start date, nor a diet menu, nor exercise program, so is this a plan, or an intention? You know, and I know I have not lost that 20 and will not until I make plans.

You left your H for 3 months, what plans did you two make to keep connected. Make sure each of you felt valued, loved, needed? What plans did you and your H make to meet one anothers needs while separated?

I am guessing not many. You just trusted your vows and that he would honor his and you yours. Not good.

You need to take what each of you learned and make plans to love, show love and protect one another.

Please read Harleys' four rules for a good marriage, his policies of "radical honesty" and the policy of joint agreement, POJA. Those tools alone can and will change your marriage if you simply use them and learn from what has happened.

You are hurt and with good reason, but being hurt doesn't allow you to take yourself out of the game unless you have decided you don't want to work on the marriage. If you have, then you don't have to learn a thing (although it would be good if you did), you don't have to make any effort, and you don't have to worry about what he learned and how he has changed.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

A new sports car, get on the dating scene, and PARTYING LIKE A FREAKING ROCK STAR!! hehe Try and learn from it. Know that he isn't thinking about OW when you are together. I've had two close girl friends since divorcing my wife and now that we are back together I never think about them. AND WE WERE OUT IN THE OPEN, not hidden like an A. Meeting each others kids, holidays together, and they still rarely enter my mind. So no, he is definitely thinking of you! DUDE