Oh how do I recognize the desire to procrastinate writing memos/letters/papers/reports/etc!

For me, the reason for putting it off is because I think I'm still "thinking about it" and I don't have it perfect yet.

But being late/not doing it at all is worse.

Flylady says you can do anything for 15 minutes. Set a timer on your computer, phone, whatever; and spend 15 minutes writing as many rough drafts as possible. They don't have to be perfect. When the 15 minutes is up, take a break; then in an hour, or later today, or whenever you think best, spend another 15 minutes editing the drafts. Then send them, or at least start sending some of them.

One memo out the door. Important phone call completed. Meeting scheduled for Friday to pitch decent sized piece of business. Productive morning. Off to lunch meeting!

Yay!

Glad the kids are doing better!

Hold...I do best under a little bit of pressure. I second the whole timer thing. It may seem really silly, but dang, it works. It really does. And then, of course...you need to reward yourself when you've done it a few times each day. LOL Latte, lunch out, brisk walk, or whatever makes you feel good.

Another successful thing I did when working was draw a horizontal line across each day on my desk calendar, with the top being for a.m. and the bottom being for p.m. Then I'd fill each half with a few things that needed to be done before and after lunch. That seemed to help me to some degree.

I personally favor the timer, though. I'd be lost without mine.

Shabbat Shalom and :happyhanukkah: Hold!

Happy Hanukkah, Hold. I hope the holiday brings you some peace and happiness with your family.

Lit candles together all 3 nights so far. Went to services this morning with D12. Then got a bunch of guys to serve potato pancakes to the kids at the religious school. So the religious stuff is going well. And I am proud that I pulled together a bunch of guys I don't know that well.

Went shopping with Mrs. Hold yesterday. Tried to assist her in cooking dinner tonight. Both very strained. We never worked well together on same task. Getting worse over time. We now pretty much have to work parallel rather than together because together doesn't work. Still, getting what I signed up for. She wants more verbal and emotional togetherness and interaction. I actively resist that. Can't complain when she is then testy. Not helpful. But not unexpected.

I may have to dial back on the withdrawal. Too much tension with Mrs. Hold. Has to cut into the kids.

I guess I will have to keep telling myself that she is a good person and I love her rather than counting the days.

Hold...gotta tell you that it feels to me that you've taken on a bit of a sadistic role in this. Punishing her, not forgiving her, and hurting yourself in the process. Just saying.

You wanted her to lose the weight. She did. Didn't change your attraction to her, apparently.

You want her to get a job to help with the credit card bills. She hasn't. That continues to be an issue. What changes between you and her if she does this?

Are you a moving target, Hold? Are you one of those people that frustrate your spouse because you're so hard to please?

What incentive would Mrs. H have right now to stay in the marriage if it were just the two of you? You seem to dwell a lot over your own incentives. What are hers? You don't have to answer me. It's just something to think about.

I wonder what would happen if Mrs. Hold came up to hold and said "I'm so sorry for having hurt you. I neglected you and made you feel like what you wanted wasn't important. I did not treat you well and I was wrong.

I want to make it up to you. If you can open your heart to me, I want us to be happy together--and that includes your dreams for a loving sexual relationship"

I think Hold might still feel nothing for a good long while, but if she followed it up (consistently and over time) to show him that she meant what she said, and she pursued him for enjoyable SF--as well as doing all the other nice things that are important to each of htem...

Then HOld would open back up to her again, and could be happy with her.

It would take her a lot more time and effort now than it would have, say, 8 years ago! But I think it's doable. Because Hold wants to be loved. He just has stopped letting himself feel that longing because it is more painful than being numb.

For many years I was not a moving target. I told her what I needed. She was unable to address my needs.

Now? Who knows? The ED has really shaken me. I used to say "what would it take for me to forgive you? Sex every day for 30 days, or every week for 6 months." Now, I would definitely not be able to have sex every day for 30 days and might not be able to have sex once a week. Heck, these days I can't have intercourse at all. What would it take for me to forgive her now? I am not sure there is anything, since I am not capable of participating in what would help. I am so messed up in my head I am not sure whether her providing more sex would help or would bother me.


If I were her, I would not want to stay married to me except for the finances and the kids. Not a happy place for her to be. If you asked "should she be in love with you, given how you treat her and think about her?" I would have to say "no". Does that bother me? Yes. Am I planning to do anything to change it? No. Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? Yes, of course I am. And I expect to continue doing so. That is why I am such a mess, and continue posting here to no avail. The only rational part of me is the part that feels bad about knowing that I intend to continue bashing my head against a brick wall.

The question is whether Telly is correct. Suppose Mrs. Hold apologized. Supposed she tried to meet my needs. Would my heart soften? Would I forgive her (and myself)? Would I work to implement the MB system and build a happy marriage (not rebuild - we never had anything that was happy for me after the wedding)? I honestly don't know.

The MRS needs to put her money where her mouth is. She has manipulated you for 14 years now. I would like to see her realize what stealing your retirement money has meant to you. And to get a full time job, give ALL the income to you to pay back debt and restore your retirement account. That would maybe take 7 years. During those 7 years, you could decide to like her again.

Perhaps you love her, but you do not like her much. That always causes a conflict.


1. You love her in a deep way and as mother of your kids
2. You dislike her most days
3. You do not trust her
4. You cannot trust her with your emotions
5. You cannot trust her STILL with finances
6. You cannot trust her to save money
7. You cannot trust her with your sexuality
8. You cannot trust her to support you in any way
9. YOu cannot even trust her not to disparage you in public
10. yOu cannot trust her to respect you
11. you cannot trust her to be a spiritual equal
12. You cannot trust the woman with anything
13. You cannot trust her to get a job and help out.
14. You cannot trust her not to lay demand after demand on you

You are but a convienient meal ticket for her. It is a sad waste. And you think this is YOUR PROBLEM or YOUR FAULT?????

Wow.

HOLD, in your younger years, before you knew what the MRS was truly like, you could have banged her and not worried if you liked her or trusted her or could ever trust her or if she would steal you blind if she got her paws on any money.

But now, it is more crucial to be able to LIKE and TRUST a woman before WANTING to have sex with her. This is more important to you than the act itself.

Having sex with someone you neither like nor trust......is tough. It would be impossible for me to have sex with someone I could not trust and whom I did not like.

It would be impossible for me to have sex with a spouse who uses me over and over and cares very very little about ME.

Yesterday Mrs. Hold spent the afternoon researching summer enrichment programs for S15. She showed me one from NYU and one from Columbia. I think thay cost about $5000 for 3 weeks of programming. Given what it costs to attend college there, may or may not be a "good deal" based on time spent. But that doesn't matter, because we don't have the $5000. And somehow I feel guilty that I cannot afford to provide this for S15. He is already spending a week at a science camp in Bermuda that is stretching our budget.

WTH is wrong with me that I cannot simply say "I would love to provide that to S15, but we can't afford it. So we will have to find something less expensive." ARGH, I am such a wimpy loser!!!!!!!!

Right hold, you are a loser for wanting to provide extras for your son. That makes you a LOSER?!

I would suspect that MOST men feel badly when their wife asks them about something they can't afford.

She shouldn't even be asking. You make a good living and you provide well for your family.

THe rest of what you hear in your head are LIES.

Can you focus on something positive today--something you can take some action on? How did the memo's etc go last week? What's on the agenda for this week?

I think thay cost about $5000 for 3 weeks of programming. Given what it costs to attend college there, may or may not be a "good deal" based on time spent. But that doesn't matter, because we don't have the $5000. And somehow I feel guilty that I cannot afford to provide this for S15. He is already spending a week at a science camp in Bermuda that is stretching our budget.

Your wife was an accountant!!! For goodness sakes does she not know how much money you two have available? There is a little bean game you should get her that shows CHILDREN how much money is available for things in a household.

When she brings this up, show her the budget and ask her if she is willing to work for 1/3 of a year at a job to pay for it. I bet she says NO.

http://extension.usu.edu/utah/files/uploads/Finance/THE%20BEAN%20GAME.pdf

HOLD, I think you need to take the position that "your wife does not understand budgeting and has never learned how to manage money" and you need to teach her at the kitchen table. Use BEANS instead of actual money to show her that MONEY IS LIMITED!!!!

I am so enraged by a woman who sits around and wont work and continues to act as if you have unlimited funds. Do you pretend you have unlimited funds to be more attractive to her or something? How could she be so dense??? Are you hiding the budget from her????? I am enraged.

No. I could not have. That is part of the tragedy here. I was never that kind of guy. Once I realized a woman was not "the one", I was uncomfortable having sex with her. That is one aspect of my lack of pre-marital sexual experience.

To that extent, I was similar to someone who was "saving themselves" for marriage. Which makes the lack of sex in our marriage all the more painful.

In a wierd way, I think I could more easily have "no strings" sex today. Today, I feel the younger me was stupid and naive and idealistic. Today, I would grab that guy by the throat and shake him back and forth and scream "you idiot, what are you waiting for? get out there and get some!" I don't like the me I was then. And I don't like the me I am now. What a waste.

Well, sex is not everything. Being able to love, trust, and like your spouse is really important to your well being. Sex comes a distant fourth to all that.