Let me start by saying that I and my husband are posting together. we are new to this site and are looking for advice.
We have been together for 12 yrs in Feb married for 7 yrs this past July. We have 3 children together 2 boys 1 girl. We come from completely different back grounds his is a christian family and mine well is pretty messed up.
We where children when we meet I was 15 he was 17 now we are 27 and 29. We still have more growing up to do. Our problem became worse 3 yrs ago, but started when we had our first son 8 yrs ago.
Maria_Ralph

I feel our problem started after our first son was born I felt that I was being pushed away because money and drinking where more important than him being with his family. WE where married 14 months after our son was born. I felt like we married just because we had a child. Things just went down hill from there. Our daughter was born 13wks premature I hadn't fully recovered from the depression I had went into after having our son then having her I went into a deeper depression. I had begged for help and noone listened until I almost killed my children. It took me a long time to come out of that depression. Then I misscarried and he and everyone else around me told me that I shouldn't be upset I could have more children, Knowing that I was never suppose to have children. 2 yrs later I became pregnant with our 3rd child. Before I had become pregnant we had talked about inviting another woman to our bed because I thought that it would make things better for us our sex life had died. The search for another woman seemed to increase his sex drive. Then he completely forgot about me we stop having sex he stoped coming to bed I caught him in the act of masterbating for other women on webcam.I begged a number of time for him to stop suggested marriage conseling he refused. This went on for 3 yrs I finally said enough at the begining of October this yr and asked for a sepration In the mist of the seperation I became attached to another man who has now gone back to his wife I am having a hard time with it because I feel I fell in love with him. I don't feel I had an affair since my husband knew about the other man the whole time and I have no regrets for being with him. My husband and I are trying to work things out that is why we are here. Everyday is hard and we need some advice.
Maria

I felt that after our first son was born my wife didn't want my atention like she did before.I didn't see that all she wanted was a little help. Like she said our sex life went down hill fast we were both not getting enough rest her from the baby me from work.We started fighting more and talking less.I withdrew myself from her because I felt she didn't want me anymore.Then we had another child,our daughter it was a very scary time, I thought I was going to loss both of them and have to raise our son on my own so I withdrew more. Then we started looking for other women on the internet, at first we did it together but gradually I started to do it on my own. Even though I knew it wasn't right. I told myself I was doing it for her. It also filled the need to talk without fighting.When my wife would ask me to stop I would for a little while then go right back to it. It wasn't until she said she was leaving me that I realized just how bad I had hurt her.But as she said we now have another problem, the man she has fallen for.I desperatly want my wife back and am not sure what to do.We are seeking counseling but we are not sure it will help.I feel that we both had an affair because we where still married and because that is one of our trust issues. We have both lost a lot of trust for each other.Please give us some advice.
Ralph

We have come to this form together because we feel it is the best way to try and work on our marriage. We are going to post like this at all times that way you can see both sides of the story and thank you all in advance for your advice
Maria_Ralph

Posting together going forward probably isn't the best option. You have both had affairs. First you both need to stop the affairs, Maria, you need to end all contact with your OM (other man) and write a no contact letter to him and have Ralph mail it. No Contact is permanent and forever. Ralph, I would suggest you allow maria to install a keylogger on all your computers and give her full access to them at all times. You both need full access to each others emails, cell phones, accounting for time, etc.

Next go read all the articles on this site regarding infidelity and how to recover from it. Also buy Harley's book Surviving an Affair.

Its good you both are here. There is alot of help here for both of you. Your situations are not as unique as you suspect and many have travelled this road before you and will help you if you want it. Be prepared to get knocked down a bit, you both have a lot of self justifications for your wrong behaviors that you will have to let go of, its all part of the plan and process of recovering. Good luck!

what do you mean by "Posting together going forward probably isn't the best option." Should we not post together.
Maria_Ralph

Its good that you're both together seeking help, but much of the recovery process is about the individuals recovering themselves, and your perspectives are very different and will necessitate different discussions and different solutions. So I forsee your threads together becoming very jumbled and disjointed and hard to follow, for both of you and for those trying to help and guide you through this.

So I think having separate threads will probably be easier to follow and be more effective for everyone.

For now, I would say just proceed and see what other's with more expertise think. In the meantime, start reading. Just understand that there is no recovery with other people involved in the marriage. You are just spinning your wheels until its just the two of you.

Tyk is right. It would be better to set up separate names and start up separate threads. Then commit to not reading each others thread.

In the meantime, please get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the plan in there.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.