First let me say that I've filed divorce papers and plan to serve them when they've made their way through the courts--about 3-4 weeks. I'm putting this question here because of H's past EA and this forum gets more traffic than the D/D.

The reason I am filing is that the marriage has broken down and it is beyond just my control to fix it. I've repeatedly asked him to give me a sign he is willing to work on this relationship and he has repeatedly either not answered or said "no". I guess I can take a hint? The final straw was my second call with Steve H., where Steve suggested trying to get H on the phone with him. We rollplayed ways to present that. :: No response, no action.

Ok, so on to my question.

(Background: During a particularly low point in our relationship in 2005, H went back to Oregon to attend his HS reunion and started an EA with an old girlfriend--someone he never told me actually WAS a girlfriend--he'd always passed her off as just a friend. This went on for about 18months when I finally hacked into his chat/email and busted him. I'm fairly sure there has been NC since then.)

So last March, H goes back to Oregon for a few weeks. He had some family obligations and he was looking for a job since he so desperately wants to go "home". (Old girlfriend does not live in Oregon anymore BTW....).

Shortly after he returned, a bunch of emails and phone calls from a childhood/neighborhood friend started showing up. Wow, I felt like it was deja vu all over again! I asked H about them and he said that this woman was just a friend (where have we heard THAT before), she had become friendly with his mother (this much is true...) and that she was 'ugly and not his type'. Hmmmm...

I repeatedly stated my discomfort with this and he repeatedly sort of poo-poohed me by saying I was making a big deal out of nothing. However, I do still monitor the phone logs and emails and for the most part, communication was one-sided. Mostly her trying to reach him. His communications to her, as far as I can see consist of asking for further advice and help about getting his Mom into assisted living, and when this woman's father died recently, he sent a short sympathy note. It was very impersonal and focused on her father who he of course knew while he was growing up since they were neighbors.

I've erased about 7 messages on our home voice mail--from her to him. "Call me!" I've seen several emails from her to him "what's a good address for you? I sent something but it got returned (we moved about 2 years ago). He never checks home VM--only I do, hence it was easy to just erase them.

So the most recent email (the address one) and then today, a VM message on his cell phone. "Mr. OH, finally, YOUR voice and not OH's. Call meeeee".

Divorce papers or not, I'm BEYOND annoyed. Not only has H demonstrated his boundaries SUCK but this is getting ridiculous!

What I want to do is send this woman an email..."please stop emailing and calling my husband". Short and sweet. It might not do anything but he's discounting my discomfort and she's like a pit bull who won't let go about getting in touch with him!

Should I do it?

if you're for sure divorcing him and the marriage is over, then why bother?

It will just give them more ammo to talk about how "crazy" you are, etc.

If you're absolutely sure about the divorce, then I would just take the high road and keep it as classy as you can, under the circumstances.

In an ideal world, I do *not* want to divorce. But I need to force the issue, hence the papers.

If the divorce is a sort of Plan B scare tactic to get him to cooperate with Marriage building then this woman has to be put back in her place. Just email her saying H is busy at the moment with work committments etc and asked you to check his emails, although you are aware of her exsistance and that she has been hounding your H as your H has complained to you about this, you had no idea how she isnt getting the hint that he is not available the way she wants him to be and to please get some self respect and stop chasing someone who is obviousely not interested. Dont mention D dont mention marital issues. 1)Make her feel like your H tells you about her and belittles her, and 2)drive home the message that she is pathetic for chasing a married not interested in her man.

OH, I wouldn't email her. That gives her something to forward to Mr. OH. Call her. Ask what the situation is, and how you can assist.

even better idea from Imanotherone. Good way to go especially as it would be OW word against W and as WH showing no interst in OW then he wont hesitate to ditch the one causing issue. OW in this case as she would be the one who would complain about W calling.

I like the email idea better. I probably could just call her--but I'm not in the mood for a two-sided conversation. What I want to say is that unless she and he have no problem with me or her SO (if she has one) being privvy to their discussions, then whatever they are discussing is highly inappropriate and needs to stop.

I could care less if she forwards that to H. He knows how I feel. I thought about being really condescending and b*tchy but that just makes me look bad.

Dear S:

I have just picked up yet another voice mail from you on our home machine. The number of voice mails and emails from you to H since he has been back in Oregon last spring has grown to be inappropriate.

Unless whatever the two of you are talking about is something both of you would have NO problem discussing with me in the same room, then it needs to stop. You are not doing yourself any favors with this one-sided attempt to keep in touch with him.

OH

Bigger question--what are these women wanting with an unemployed alcoholic? Do they think he's some prize right now? Yikes.

What he projects and what is really there?

Two completely different things.

He has the ability to be completely charming and people see what they want to see. In the case of the EA with the old girlfriend--she saw the big handsome jock, homecoming king, president of the student body, captain of the football team, college bound on a football scholarship. And of course, she didn't see his day-to-day misery in real life during the EA--only his 'sanitized' version through emails.

I think this other chickadee in Oregon is the same. She also went to the same schools, saw him in all these great roles and she was a bit of a misfit? I don't even think she's looking beyond the surface, *if* she's looking for some sort of relationship. He claims she's not his type and that she's not looking. But we all know how well I can trust him!

I also know guys who grew up on the same street as me and if I ever had occasion to email them, I would NOT be signing my emails with
xoxo

I bet communicating with these OW reminds him of his "glory days" back when he was the popular jock in high school. Because that's how they still see him. Probably an ego boost for him.

It's completely inappropriate and disrespectful to your marriage though. He needs to realize that.

Bingo, and I totally agree. I know that's what the EA was all about. (well that and the fact that I helped contribute to the sorry state of our marriage at that point--don't deny that!)