It is currently blocked at the router, and I'm the only one that can turn it on and off and I am closely monitoring her. I really don't enjoy this type of restriction, but I understand the reasoning. I'm willing to try it this way, but I have not by any means ruled out completely removing it.

I'm not 100% sure on an exact date for the first NC agreement. It would have been back in early to mid Nov. It wasn't an official letter at that time, she just emailed the OM. I was ok with that step until we could get some professional help and then draft an official one.

She should delete her FB account entirely.

Cate's right.

The FB account has been a key vehicle for her EA, it has to go.

She needs food & water & shelter to live. She doesn't need FB.

FB is to her what an empty syringe is to a heroin junkie. In & of themselves, syringes have many good, proper purposes; but if you've got a junkie who's in rehab, you sure don't go leaving empty ones lying around the house -- or even sticking out of YOUR pocket while in her presence -- while she's in rehab, to trigger her cravings.

Get serious. Get real. Cancel it. Today.
Your marriage is important.
FB is not.

Or leave it in place & roll the dice, if you're feeling lucky...

I'd keep it blocked. Even if she deletes a facebook account, she could create another one.

Deleting it is good, it MAY show a willingness to provide EP. It may also just be a means of going deeper underground.

I think you are making a big mistake, the dude.

FB at this point is like a bar for an alcoholic, even if she knows she will not be served the alcohol, it is right there in her face, keeping her triggered. I'm not sure, but this may be part of the reason she has been having such a severe withdrawal.

Your having to babysit her each time she is on it is also going to keep you triggered as well...

That was my thinking as well. We may yet go the delete route, just taking it slowly.

BE ADVISED: YOU CAN NOT DELETE A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT.

You can go into setting and delete an account, but the moment the user goes back to log in, the account is restored will ALL previously saved information and settings intact waiting for you to return.

So... In a matter of seconds I can log in to a previously deleted account surf, chat, etc.. then when I am done, I can "again" delete my account instead of logging out.

Setting up your router to block the Facebook IP is FAR more secure than the deleted account.

Another option is to change the email address associated to your W's account, change the password to something she will not know. This of course should done by POJA if it helps the BS in anyway.

End result... If they chose to communicate, there's not much you can do to stop it.

Just my .02

yes, where there's a will there's a way and if it's gone that far, then perhaps it's gone too far.

We appear to have reached an agreement on things. The NC is understood and she realizes it is necessary for her to start feeling better and for us to then start to fix things. The tension level has been greatly reduced. Gotta take it one day at a time. I'm sure there are going to be some more rough spots

FB is blocked at the router here at home and at her office and I open it up only when I am home. We're both getting a little bored with FB anyhow, the same old posts from the same old people. So, it will likely fade.

We have a marriage counselor appt on friday, have to see what his approach is. I like the MB approach, and will be looking for something similar.

Good news, thedude. Looks like you're making progress. Blocking FB at the router was a great idea. I didn't go that far, but since NC day, she has slowly been backing off of FB - as you say, it gets boring. I still monitor it, and she's logging in far less than she used to, and only checking a few friends and relatives. She even sent me an invite to a group that we both have an interest in.
Still, I've made her aware that I see FB as a risk to our recovery.

Good luck with the counselor. We found a good one - he firmly believes in rebuilding marriages - and it has been a tremendous help. I have been using the principles of Plan A, have read His Needs Her Needs and a couple of other books and along with counseling, we've made major progress over the past couple of weeks. There is hope.

thedude and Linus, I am just curious, do you two believe an A is an addiction or not?

I do. I say that because it has all the same symptoms as other addictions such as drugs, alcohol and gambling. My wife had NEVER lied or acted sneaky in her life until she was into the EA. She acted like a different person. She was doing anything to get the chance to communicate with OM. She would tell our son to get off the PC while he was doing homework, so she could get on Facebook. This is a woman who otherwise always pushed the kids to do homework.
She was getting up extra early in the morning so she could text him. She would tell me she was going to her sister's house, but then just drive to the end of the street so she could talk to him on the cell. She would find excuses to get me and the kids out of the house so he could call her. It was absurd.

She stopped wanting to have friends over to play cards. She stopped wanting to go to church. Her personality changed.

When she informed OM that there would be no more contact, she cried for hours. Then she acted like a drunk without a drink - miserable, moody, snapped at everybody. She was truly in withdrawal from her attention 'fix'.

However, in the nearly 3 weeks since NC, she has been getting better every day. I am plan A'ing like crazy, and it's working. She's alomost off the 'drug', I think, but am very wary of a relapse.

Since I started looking at her EA as an addiction, I have been able to handle it better. It made it easier for me not to take it personally.

I'd be interested in others thoughts on this.

I agree 100%. I say this with some authority, since both my WW and I have been in A.A. - me for over 18 years, and she for over 9. I had a hard time understanding the change in her behavior until I read SAA and saw on page 56:

Then the reality came crashing down on me: WW was in RELAPSE! In many cases, alcoholics and addicts in recovery who relapse do so on something other than their drug of choice. Left unchecked however, the addict will eventually return to their drug of choice, since that's where they find the most "comfort."

Like you, I found this realization helped dispel much of the anger I felt. Not the pain, not the humiliation, not the sense of betrayal. But watching my WW since, I now understand better the "fog" and the distorted sense of reality WS display. It is exactly because they are in active addiction that their behavior, words and actions cannot be taken for anything approaching that of a sane and sensible person.

I believe it is as well. I've been through breakups and remember how it felt to lose that attention. And I've seen Alcoholics and drug addicts go through withdrawal. It may not be identical, but close enough.

Like Fred, I am another recovering alcoholic who recognizes the addictive nature of an affair because of my background. There are other recovering alcoholics here who also see it right away.

This recognition is what makes Marriage Builders concepts about affairs so different, and so much more effective. Dr Harley used to own a chain of treatment centers and he SAW this same mentality in adulterers. He integrated some of the concepts of AA into his prescription for marital recovery from an affair. Dr Harley is one of the rare few who understand the mentality of a cheater. Most counselors DO NOT get this connection, which is why they are so dangerous to such marriages.

I agree Mel & Fred. I am also a friend of Bill W., and view this affair like an addiction. It's the only thing that allows my love to remain right now is some compassion.

The reason I asked is, linus and thedude, is if you do believe the A is an addiction, why aren't you more worried about FB keeping your WWs triggered, since they both conducted their As on there?

I am worried about that. I am continuing to monitor all PC activity, and thus far have seen no hint of contact from or to POSOM. I have also let WW know that I consider FB to be a high risk possible cause of a relapse. I have also seen her use of FB drop off quite a bit, so I'm hoping she'll finally get bored with it. Maybe naive thinking on my part, but I don't want to push it and have that become a source of LBs for us.

I see the risk. As long as we're making progress, I'm willing to deal with it. That being said, any kind of a sign of a relapse and FB will be blocked.

Linus

The point isn't just that it is possible to rekindle the A from FB.

The point is that in the early months Facebook (just seeing the logo) will trigger her and therefore keep the slight emotional detachment from you, hinder the complete coming together.

FB will keep the trigger going - I'm only confessing to this now 11 months down the line when my FB account is finally deactivated. And I realise that every so often FB did trigger me even though there was absolutely no sign of OM on FB (until last month).

I ignored everyone here about FB too. I think a little differently now.

Facebook in and of itself is a form of addiction to many.

God's Blessings,

Say