thanks guys, you are really helping me out.

I have no fear about doing exposure based on her reaction, I just want to react well myself when she does react.

I am pedal to the metal, and have been re-prioritizing my list constantly. The reality is some people are just not available.

OM has his own cellphone, from which he has been texting my W. So, OMGF is a challenge. I have some strategies in mind, but just working through in order of priority.

Have you looked him on FB? maybe you'll get lucky and his profile will be open with gf's name...

In terms of the kids, one of my family members had some advice about that. Essentially, be careful, as they are 8 and 11, and have a limited capacity to process things. Also, practically, it may be hard to get them alone. It may not be. I have yet to decide fully on this one, they are on the list though. Advice welcomed.

No such luck.

I get so annoyed with the well intentions of friends or family that have ZERO training in what to do to end affairs and what to do to recovery marriages!

Your notion that somehow you might not expose to your children with the TRUTH should show just how foggy your own mind can get. Besides yourself, these kids are the next in line to be effected by the status of your M. They deserve to know the truth!!!!

Kids DO NOT have a limited capacity to understand right and wrong! Unless you have failed to teach them?? Come-on, I think you've instilled the concept of right and wrong in them, right??

Some adults may have a problem with the clear boundaries of right and wrong, but kids fully understand and have a great capacity to GET IT!

Here is Dr. H's take on it.

mfoss, keep in mind that Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and is experienced in this. Your family member is not. Your children need to be told the TRUTH. Beating around the bush and using weasel words [for example: "mom and dad are having troubles"] will confuse them more and make the problem WORSE. If you minimize this with anything less than the truth, you will be teaching them that it is ok to destroy a marriage and a family over NOTHING. But it is important for them to learn how devastating adultery is.

They need the TRUTH. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. They should be told that their mother is having an adulterous affair, who the OM is, why adultery is wrong, and that their mother wrongly wants to break up their family for an affair. If you tell them anything less than that, you will make it worse.

Secondly, if you don't tell the truth, your wife WILL tell them LIES. About you. And by not telling them the true facts, your wife will be free to introduce the kids to her "new friend" and teach them that adultery is acceptable. Waywards TYPICALLY bring their kids into the affair as the earliest possible opportunity as a means of normalizing the affair and giving it a false air of respectibility.

If you don't tell your kids the TRUTH, you will leave your kids vulnerable to this assault on their family.

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Anyone wants this one hour MP3 clip, email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

Funny aside... WW just started the time of the month this AM (she woke me up from a good sleep to get her supplies), *and* had a dental appt this AM.

I do feel sorry for her!

Not that long ago I felt like you do now. What's amazing is how much I've come to learn and believe what these people tell me. I now actually have no compunction at all telling people who have even the remotest knowledge of my WW about the affair.

The pain of it no longer owns me. Yes, I feel it, and I recognize it. But I have chosen to be the healthier of the two people engaged in this surreal dance. These people are the lanterns lighting the way to that.

Gratitude is an action word. Remember that.

Does anyone have real stories / experience from telling their kids? What should I watch out for?

MFoss,
Have you had a background check done on OM?

Gg

I have not had a background check done...

mfoss, I was able to find the phone number of the OM's W here:
Zabasearch

Even the OM's wife was surprised I got their "unlisted" number.

Thanks Shocked, not even sure if they OMGF lives with him. Don't think she does.

Just got my copy of "surviving an affair". Will read it until I pass out from exhaustion.

If you're anything like me, you'll read it cover to cover before you even realize you're tired.

Just taking a break from reading to check in here...

I am surprised that it does not cover exposure at all, it seems to be an important and difficult element that warrants some discussion. Regardless, reading it as fast as I can.

I would still like to hear from anyone who has exposed to the kids, especially around the ages of 8-11.

mfoss, Dr Harley is rewriting Surviving an Affair to include his suggestions on exposure that he wrote in that newsletter on Exposure. Did you read his newsletter?

I will ask tst or SMB to come talk to you. Many here exposed to their kids.

Mfoss, I just posted on my thread about that very thing. I just exposed to my 7 & 9 yr olds about 2 hours ago. Very tough.

I discussed with each of them individually first. Asked them to tell me what they knew about M. Explained that it means two people agree to love and care for each other their whole lives. Told them that daddy didn't always do a good job of taking care and loving mommy although he loves mommy very much. Told them that mommy has new friends that daddy doesn't like. One of them is a boyfriend and you aren't supposed to have boyfriends when you are married because you promised yourself to just your partner.

Explained that daddy and mommy are trying to fix it as best we can and that they have done NOTHING wrong and that we love them more than anything in the world and will continue to love them more than anything in the world no matter what. I told them that daddy is going to work as hard as he can to make things better at home. I also told them that they could talk to me or mommy anytime they feel they need to about this or anything else for that matter.

By the way, both sons have shared with me that they have been very sad lately because mom doesn't 'do stuff' with them anymore like she used to.

Not sure if it was right/wrong way to do it. Brings tears just typing it now, but I did the best I could without trying to set them against WW. Told them that WW was the best mom in the world and that she loved them more than anything. I do know my little guy is very angry at the boyfriend.

I had better luck with pipl than I did with Zabasearch. Which isn't much, as OM (and oddly enough, OMW) have pretty well covered their tracks.