Mine is a bit of a long story but please bear with me.

I am 35 (BH), WW is 34. We have been married for 10 yrs next month and have two beautiful boys (5 and 3 y/o). Several years before we began dating, my wife had a brief relationship with a guy that started (and ended) very quickly. I did not know about it at the time, but my wife was never able to let go of the "feelings" she had for this guy.

3 years after we married, I received a call from a concerned friend who had learned that my wife and this guy were calling/emailing and had possibly met a time or two. I confronted my wife about it and she broke down in tears and admitted everything. I had been traveling alot on business, she was lonely, blah, blah, blah. But she loved me, swore that she had no feelings for him, etc. So we decided to work things out.

While things got back to "normal" and were good, overall, until about a year ago, I never was able to forgive my wife for what she had done and the way she had hurt me. I had trusted her completely and she totally betrayed me. While it was not a topic of everyday discussion, I allowed the anger and resentment to grow and became a very bitter person, over the years.

About a year ago, both my father and mother were diagnosed with cancer (within 2 weeks of each other). I am an only child and there is no other family in the area, so I've had to offer my parents much assistance which, for the most part, my wife seemed to understand. As the months passed, I could feel my wife becoming more distant, not only from me but from our kids. I was doing the best I could to keep the flame alive, but I had so many things pulling me in different directions, that I was unable to give her the attention that she needed. To make a long story short(er), I found out in late July that my wife had been talking to this guy, AGAIN, since early May. Prior to early May they had no contact since back in 2002. Before I learned of the renewed affair, my wife would go from warm and loving one day to cold as ice the next. She had even mentioned, several times, that she thought we needed "some time apart" if she was going to be able to get "those feelings" back for me again. Again, when I told her I knew, and provided her with the evidence, the A stopped immediately. I got the "you are who I love and want to be married to", "I'm so sorry to have jeapordized our family", etc, etc.

I knew that I had not been the easiest husband to live with and I loved my wife and children immensely, so I told her I wanted us to go to counseling and try to work things out. At the beginning, things improved significantly. We were both happy, our kids were happy and everything seemed wonderful. Unfortunately, my father began having medical issues which required me to take him to Baltimore several times within a couple week period and I had to care for he and mom even more at home. Once again, I knew that I was not giving my wife the attention she needed but I was doing the best I could given the circumstances.

In late October or early Novemeber, when I returned from a 4 day trip to Baltimore with my dad, my wife told me....I just don't know that this marriage is what I want anymore.....I love you but I'm not "in love" with you....I think I need some time/space to figure out what I want, etc. She assured me that this had nothing to do with anyone else and based on how badly she knew she had hurt me previously, discussions we'd had with the counselor, etc., I really believed her. She said she wanted our marriage to work out but that she just felt we needed some time apart to reconnect and learn to appreciate each other again. Being the fool I was, and thinking she was being honest with me, I believed her. I loved her and wanted our marriage to survive....for us and for the kids. She said I could leave or she'd take the kids and go stay with her mom (who lives 1/4 mile away). Not wanting to hurt the kids any more than absolutely necessary I did not want to remove them from their home. And given the situation with my parents and the help they require, I agreed to move in with mom/dad for awhile. That was 3 weeks ago.

Since that time, I've seen a significant change in my wife and the way she is responding to me. We've talked more the past 3 weeks than we have in years and it is clearly obvious that she still has significant feelings for me. So...until yesterday, I thought things were going great and that we were well on our way to a happy, renewed, loving marriage.

Yesterday morning, I got a call from the OM wife. She had some information she wanted to share with me. It didn't concern me too much at first, as I figured it was stuff she had just found out about the previous issues. Needless to say, I was blown away when she presented me with proof of an ongoing affair, EA at least. Text messages and calls from prepaid phones they both have. Through the enitre time we have been separated and several weeks before.

I have not shared my knowledge of this with my WW and am not sure that I should. I know I should not have moved out but, with the situation with my parents, and my wife leading me to believe that the separation would not last long, I did. Now, I feel like an absolute fool for believing her again. For suffering through 3 weeks sleeping on an inflatable mattress and missing the hell out of my kids, so that she can conduct her little fantasy fling in the peace and comfort of her own home. Don't get me wrong. I love my wife and I want to save our marriage, but I am very hurt and upset.

Please, anyone with any thoughts as to where I should go from here, I would very much welcome them!

I don't know whether to just move my stuff back in "Hi honey, hi kids, I'm home!" and tell her "I know exactly what is going on....you can either cut all ties, permanently and completely, with him, or YOU can go stay somewhere else until you figure it out" or what? I've read a little about Plan A and Plan B but don't know how to address the issue of moving back in. If I try to do it without telling her what I know, she is going to say "I just don't think we are ready for that yet".

I don't want to do anything to permanently damage my chances of saving my marriage, but I do not feel that I should be a doormat for her to walk all over, while I completely support her while she tries to decide whether she wants me and our family or whether she wants him. The sad part is that the two of them do not even know each other. They just have put the other up on this pedestal and think they are the greatest thing in the world. If their relationship ever sees any normalcy, it won't last 3 months.

So she is having her cake and eating it too and I am dying inside.....both with the marital issues, missing my boys, and dealing with two very ill parents.

I know that God will not give any of us more than we can handle, but I sure feel like I'm getting close :-(

I've enjoyed reading thru the site and it makes me feel a little better knowing that many others are, and have, gone through the same things that I am.

Thanks so much for reading

Carolina, as you have learned, it was a mistake to move out. But that can be easily remedied TODAY by moving back home - INTO YOUR OWN BED. GO HOME. No advance warning, nothing. Just go home and move right back into your room. Moving out only faciliatated the affair and increased the risk of divorce. read this thread about men who leave their home

Today, before you go home, I would get on the phone and expose this affair. Call up her parents, her close sibs, close friends, pastor and tell them all about her affair and ask for their advice and support. Give them the OM's full name and share all the facts with them.

Stay in constant contact with the OMW so you can compare notes and kill her affair. Tell the OMW that her most potent weapon against the affair is EXPOSURE and send her this link: Exposure

Once the dust settles and you have this affair killed off, you will want some help from a QUALIFIED marriage counselor. Most do not have the slightest idea how to save a marriage, but the Harleys DO. Set up phone coaching with Steve Harley. He will assess your situation and give you a rational PLAN. The best book you can get right now will be Surviving an Affair, which most bookstores carry.

Sorry you are here, but you are in the right place.

Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders:

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." here

OK, Mel beat me to it so I deleted my post.

Time for some serious learning here if you intend to save your M.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I think it's also important to note that EXPOSING ITSELF IS NOT GOING TO END THE AFFAIR. It's a vital part, but not the end and the means in itself.

This is EXACTLY what you should do.

And get some outside help for your parents. Get someone to stay with them, monitor them, and assess their situation for remaining at home.

What is OM's situation? Obviously he has a wife....does he have children? Where does he live? You might want to consider confronting him too. Ask him what is intentions are with YOUR WIFE?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. I know what I need to do but it is great to have my thoughts confirmed by each of you.

Lexxxy- the OM and his wife are separated as well. They live in the same city as we do, unfortunately. He's a very erratic guy, a very poor father to his OWN kids, and certainly not an influence I want on the lives of my boys. OMW and I are in constant contact now and that is very comforting to me as we should have talked a LONG time ago.

Thanks again for the responses!

If you don't expose to her family and best friends, and HIS family, they will continue the affair, they'll just hide it better.

Just moving home is not going to stop it.

Thanks Cat! Oh I'm exposing......without a doubt.

I would suggest he wait until AFTER he moves back home to expose the A. You never know what an active WW might pull in order to keep him out of his own home, particularly if she discovers that he's exposing her A.

I was thinking the same thing.

Thanks again to all of you for your care and input. I did not want to rush things and do something wrong so I held off on doing anything last night. I needed to clear my head and make sure I was composed and ready to do this. My plan to return home is as follows:

I have asked my WW to dinner tonight (we are supposed to have a weekly "date night" per our counselor). I wanted to do this, instead of just walking in the house and risking a huge blow-up in front of the children.

At dinner, I am going to very calmly tell her, that #1 - I love her and I want our marriage to be saved #2- that I know exactly what is going on #3 that my car is packed and that I am moving back into the house as soon as we finish dinner. I'm going to tell her that I want us to work on our marriage together, but that I feel that 3 things are required for us to successfully do so....#1- that we need to live together #2 that we BOTH need to make an effort and #3 that she must fully and completely discontinue any and all contact with the OM.

If she tries to deny that anything is going on, I will show her one, very small piece of the significant evidence I have, and she will have no choice but to admit it.

If she still says "I'm just not sure what I want" or "I still need some time to figure things out", or any other FOG speak, I will tell her that I understand, and that she should go stay with her parents (or another member of her family) until she is prepared to make a decision. If that's the case, however, I will not support her, or her A in any way. No more spending money, no more shopping, no more car payments made by me, cut off cellphone, etc, etc.

She has had her cake and eaten it too for the past 3 weeks and, if she is not willing to stop this nonsense, immediately, completely, and permanently, then life is going to change drastically and it is going to change NOW.

If you have any thoughts on this approach, I'd love to hear them! Also, I plan to mail the following exposure letter to all of her family, close friends, coworkers, etc. Please let me know if this message is the right one. Also, should I go ahead and mail the letters today, prior to our discussion tonight or should I wait to hear her out tonight and give her the chance to come clean, repent, and commit to working on our marriage?

Here's the letter:

December 10, 2009


Dear ,

I am deeply saddened to inform you that WW is (and has been) involved in an extra-marital affair with OM (who is also married and has 2 young children). I have made WW aware that I know about the affair and told her that I am very concerned about the effects it will have on our family and our children. I have asked her to discontinue all contact with OM, for the sake of our family and of his, yet she has refused to do so.

As you know, WW and I have had some marital problems. We both need to work on our marriage, together, to make it better. That said, I love my wife with all my heart, I am very concerned about her, and I am 100% committed to her, our boys, and our family. I want to spend my life with her and be the husband, friend, and partner that she deserves, and I know you are well aware how deeply I love DS#1 and DS#2. I want what is best for them and for them to grow up in a stable, loving, nurturing environment.

I love my family and I love all of you. That�s why I am asking that you help us. Please do whatever you may be comfortable doing to let WW know that I (and the boys) love her, need her, and want to share our lives with her�..together, as a family. Please pray for us as we go about figuring this all out�as decisions are made that will have a major impact on us all, for the rest of our lives. And most importantly, please continue to love, care for, and protect our two beautiful children. Please let them know that we both love them with all our hearts, that everything is going to be OK, and that we will always be their mommy and daddy.

I am making you aware of this, not to embarrass or humiliate WW in any way. I love her deeply and would never do anything to intentionally hurt her, no matter what. The reason I am doing this is because I know that WW loves and respects you and values your opinions. I pray that, out of your love for her and our family, you will help her to realize, and put an end to, her hurtful and destructive behavior.

Sincerely,
BH

Carolina, you did a GREAT JOB working out your strategy! I like your plan to move back home. It makes perfect sense.

I vote for not sending this letter but telling her parents about the affair TODAY before your dinner. You can then use that information to assure her that the secret is out and the affair is done. These kind of exposures, IMO, are best done in person or on the phone so you can ask for their advice and support. I think telling her that people know about the affair will help persuade her that the game is up. If there are any other key, influencial people, I would also tell them today so you can report to her that they know too.

Email exposures can be problematic because if you have one person who doesnt approve, it quickly turns into an email debate that you don't need. That is just my personal opinion. And sometimes that is ok.

Another thing you will want to hammer home with her. She needs to know that there is a future in your marriage. I would tell her something like this: I know our marriage has not been the happiest for you in the past. I want to fix the problems in our marriage and make it a happy, safe place for us both. I am committed to fixing our marriage if you will end your affair.

I take it you have a babysitter for the kids? Are they away from home tonight?

Thanks SO much Melody....you are awesome!! Yeah, the kids will be at the house with a babysitter. I just think it's better to do this without them because every time I come to the house now, they both "attach" themselves to me and I know WW and I would not have any privacy. Maybe it wouldn't blow up, per se, but I'm sure there will be tears, if nothing else, and I'd just prefer that they not be exposed to it.

I absolutely agree with what you said about exposure. I will go by her parents' house tonight, right before I pick her up. Her dad has been very against us separating from the beginning, telling WW that she is being selfish, how good a dad and husband I am, etc. When he finds out about this, he is going to blow his top. I have no doubt that he will do everything within his power to make sure the A is over. Obviously, he and I are very close which is a good thing at a time like this.

While I will definitely deliver the exposure message in person, do you think that the content of what I wrote, is the right message to send?

Thanks again!!!

I agree with Mel, glad you're going to talk to her dad, but DO go ahead and call everyone else.

When you do, ask them PLEASE to wait until tomorrow to contact her - if they decide to contact her, as you need to talk to her tonight and you need to move back home. Ask her dad to please wait til tomorrow to call her, too.

The points in your letter are PERFECT. The only thing I would add is that you should ask for their advice. When you do that, people tend to want to help rather than cast judgment.

Something like this: "I know how well you know Sally, so what would be your advice for me?" <----this seems to invite an investment in your cause

Awesome letter, I'm going to use re-use a lot of that in mine =)

Thanks Cat.....good advice! I guess my only concern about exposing to everyone else (besides MIL and FIL) before I talk to her tonight is what if, at dinner, she admits to everything, agrees to stay home and work on our marriage, promises that the A is over, etc, etc.......then she finds out that I have told everyone in her family. I suppose, it needs to be done anyway, to protect from this happening again (assuming we are able to work things out and stay together) but she sure is gonna be pissed, either way. That said, I guess I'd rather her be angry than not care at all.

No matter what happens, it feels good to be taking control of this situation and doing what I can to save my marriage. I hope that things are going to work out....I truly do. But, at the end of the day, if they don't...at least I will be able to look in the mirror and know that I did what I could.

Carolina, you will want to TELL HER tonight that these people know. This will help you persuade her that there is no hope for her affair. Close friends and family need to know anyway. The more people that know, the BETTER. That is just more people that can keep her accountable. If she knows that these key ppl in her life know, she will not be able to spin them or try to hide her affair. I am not talking about the next door neighbor here, but CLOSE family and friends.

C, have you told your own parents what is going on?