more sms, they tried to meet after work, but didn't, H just talked to her all the way home, then called other people to cover up, wouldn't look at me, ate very little, went to take a nap. Should I wait to see how far H will take it, or plan B now?

I am sorry and I know how you feel. Been there. For your own sanity...I would tell him to leave and plan B him
It is the most painful thing to witness a spouse being in love with OP. It is torture. YOu know. I know. PLan B is hard at the beginning but nothing compared to living with an heartless alien.
Blessing

H is never in love with any of the OW, he loves the thrill of talking to other women, having other women attracted to him, each time I find out, he stops for awhile and will not contact her again, then he just starts it over with a different one

I would not be able to stand that as much as I was not able to stand a steady A. It is up to you an how much you can plan A him knowing that he will do the same thing over and over again.
There must be some consequences to his actions.. otherwise he will not change...and he will drive you crazy!
blessing

Honestly, I don't know what to say in your situation. You live in a place that condones what he's doing. Exposure won't work. Can you take the kids away from him?

Can anyone help me with a plan B letter in this situation? What do I tell my kids? What do I tell H without giving up my source?

Not everyone condones it and he is one who is very careful about what others think of him, he prides himself on being honest and a good guy, so he's not happy at all when I tell his family. I think that telling his best friend might help, as last time I threatened to kick him out and H sent a message to his best friend, telling him that H messed up and he needs to tell him something and H wants friends support, then he chickened out and didn't tell him. If I tell his friend, H will be LIVID.

Catperson,
I don't want to take the kids away from him, he is an excellent father they need him.

Am I imagining things, or none of the veterens here seem to want to answer my questions? I know the situation is a bit different because of where we are, but that doesn't mean I don't need help like anyone else.

I'm just trying to figure out what options you have. I've heard horror stories about women in Arab countries who lose their kids because they defy their husbands. I just don't know how to tell if you're in that situation.

If he cares about appearances, then I would say exposing to his best friends and parents just may be your best chance.

Err, umm, did you read what you wrote??? Sorry, but good fathers do not cheat on their wives. That is what BAD fathers do. Your husband may have been good in the past, but right now his head is somewhere else and he is not fulfilling the role is is supposed to be, either as a good husband or a good father.

JS, I'm no vet but let me ask you a few questions:

1. Do you have the strength to do Plan B? I mean, a really, really dark Plan B? Frankly, your H sounds like so many other cake eaters. He has a tolerant wife that loves him and he takes advantage of that as often as possible. Plan B means turning it all off and accepting the fact that you might be moving on. Do you have the strength for that?

2. The whole Arab country thing scares me but probably because of Sally Field and my American ignorance. Seriously though, what are the ramifications of leaving him? Can you legally do it? Have you talked to a lawyer in this country to determine your rights? Many of these conservative arab countries are notoriously repressive of women. I worry how things might turn out for you. You need to find out your rights, ASAP.

Good luck and keep coming back. Cat has issued a call for help...

justsad,
Your situation is a bit different in that the culture that was bred into him and in which you are now living does not as a whole frown upon multiple spouses. M is seen differently over there so any pressure that would normally come from friends and family, AND HIMSELF will be far less than would be present if the culture was monogamy based. In other words, YOU hold the burden of showing him that his actions are a betrayal to you. He doesn't have a clue as to really why you feel so hurt and devastated. His society has taught him that's it's normal, not abnormal, so he could not possibly fathom your pain. I imagine with that upbringing he would think he's doing a good job as a H because at least he still only has one S. I don't know.

I'm also concerned with what cat wrote about the possibility of you losing your children being that you live in an Arab country. Legally I don't know the ramifications of you going into a plan B either. Obviously, he would still see the children, just not you. But if push comes to shove what rights does he have to just plain take them away from you? You had better make sure you are prepared for that if is at all a possibility.

And then there's plan B. Plan B is usually the last step, the last straw before D. You have to be totally prepared to follow through with D should he continue his ways. Otherwise you will be here again. Are you prepared to walk? Are you done with his adulterous ways and are your boundaries solid?

Some other questions:

Do you know your legal rights in that country?
Do you have the right to get him to leave?
Do you have a list of things that he must follow through with to return to the family home?
Do you have an IM in place?
Do you have your financial ducks in a row?
Have you talked to legal counsel in that counry?

I hesitate to advise anything because I do not know your rights. It's probably why others do too. None of us want to see a sudden shift where you lose everything and everyone. I'm not saying to accept this behavior, I'm saying make sure you have things airtight before you make a move. And then when you do you have to be prepared to see it through.

I will say that I had a distant step-cousin who married an Arab man about 20 years ago, went there with him, had kids, fought, and she got 'disowned' and basically kicked out of the country by his family. Without her kids.

That's why I am so worried for you. Please do nothing without seeing a lawyer first.

I can leave him if I wanted to, no problem. He can't keep the kids or anything like that, I got the nationality when we were married, which gives even more rights. He would have to pay alimony, CS, living expenses, everything.

I kicked him out yesterday, couldn't stand it anymore, I told him "You know I love you" he said yes, I said "You need to leave, you broke your promise and you keep lying to me. You have a problem and you need to fix it. Go to a counselor, when you fix it, you can come back." then I left and went for a walk. H left, I called his best friend and told him everything, he was shocked, said he would talk to him, this is unacceptable and told me not to worry. H didn't come home last night like I thought he might, it is taking everything in me not call him. What do I do now?

I have every right to D if need be. I am financially able to be on my own, I have a good job and the government here pays all citizens $1000 extra a month, I'm not worried about any of that, this country is not one of the bad ones that give women no rights. I would get everything I need. His family is wonderful, and would all support me in any decision I choose.

Ummmm... Thats a joke right Fred? ..I Mean.. mmm ladies? Can you tell him? lol

hi justsad,
Well you did the plan B. I was going to say talk to the friend too.
You have stood up for what you want out of the marriage, Bravo! My opinion is that he is seeking approbation. He gets it from these females. I would tell him that you want to be his one and only and that you deserve to be. The EA IS just as painful to you as a PA. It is still emotional abandonment and hurts you, so protecting yourself from it is the right thing.

I was close to an american women who had an X-husband that came from Beruit. He was involved in a "cell" in MI and was loyal to it. She was afraid he would show up and take the kids. It was in the 80s and not the same as your situation but still scares me to think about how that stuff happens.
It sounds like your M-in-law is supportive of you and will not condone his actions. That also is in your favor.

If you can get your H into MB concepts and work with the Harleys he will no-doubt be helped. The program is not Marriage savers-at-the-last-minute. It can clean up the foundation af your marriage so you can build a castle together on it.

If you need to plan B for a long period of time to get him into counselling then so-be-it. Just hang tough and read through all of Harleys material. You have been patient for years, now be patient with yourself untill you have all of your emotional needs ducks in a row.

He can wait a little if he knows you are sincere about having a good..scratch that..GREAT marriage. Make sure he knows that that is what you want and will not stand for anything less in your life. You mentioned that the women are evil there. He needs to be re-assured that you are not like them so he will not make an excuse to run out on you. Use your own judgement on whether he is repentent about your marriage issues or not to decide if he is really going to work on it. Talk is cheap and don't settle for less than his time in the program laid out here.

My heart goes out to you guys.

Dear sortingit out,
When I say the women are 'evil', I'm referring to the fact that many of them don't care if a man is married and will still pursue him. They are VERY materialistic and selfish. H knows I am nothing like that. Talkin to the friend helped, he talked to H and said H is really upset, afraid of losing his wife, family and friends. He wants me to talk to H, give him another chance, said he cried about me for hours last night, wants to change his number and his job. We'll see. Thank you

Just sad

You sound very strong and calm. You clearly know what you want. Make sure you give this adequate time. Don't accpet him back based on tears and words.

Wait til you see the actions

Wishing you more strength

I'm glad you did this. I really think that nothing else gets through to some people. It sounds like you have a great chance, if he will follow a set workplan to get back home. Can you do phone counseling with the Harleys from there? I guess I would start there - have him call them and do what they say.