Thanks again Melody! Yes, as much as it has broken my heart to do so, given what my parents are going through with their health, I have been open with them about all of this.

I just skimmed through your thread and want to throw my support toward the great advice you have been given.

As you might have read, affairs thrive on secrecy. So waywards typically dont react well to finding out about exposure...it takes the fun out of the A....so as weird as it sounds, it is a good thing when the WS is upset over exposure.

Please listen to ML and try to get to everyone today. Exposure should be like a nuclear bomb, not a little here, a little there. and you definitely want to inform your WW that everyone knows.

Another question......as I mentioned, the OM apparently gave her a prepaid phone by which they communicate. She doesn't have any idea that I know about it yet but she obviously will tonight. When I go thru all this at dinner, in addition to the boundaries of not seeing him, talking to him, texting him and cutting off all contact completely, should I also ask that she give me the prepaid phone.....right there on the spot? I'm not gonna be comfortable if that phone is still in her posession. Obviously, is she REALLY wants to contact the OM she will find a way, but I don't think it needs to be any easier than it has to be.

Thank you SusieQ!

Another question.....probably gonna have quite a few between now and tonight, so please bear with me!!

When I tell WW that her parents and close family members/friends know about everything, she is going to be destroyed. She is a very private person and becomes extremely troubled when she hears that someone has said something about her.....even little things. Now, don't worry, I'm not trying to talk myself out of exposing...I am going to do it...I'm just wondering when she is completely shocked with the news that these people know and asks "Oh my God, NO....why did you do that?" or a similar question.....how should I respond? Should I just say, "because I love you and I want to save our marriage and our family"?

Exactly. At least that's what I did.

I would add "some day you will understand why it had to be this way. Right now, you probably can't. But you'll see that they still support you, just not in having an affair."

I would just let her know that you know all about the affair and tell her that you won't feel safe unless she rids herself of the phone. Wording is very important here, Carolina, and by that I mean that if you phrase this as a DEMAND, she will not respond favorably. She will go into defense mode and you will get nowhere.

A better way to frame this is to tell her that the only way your marriage can recover is if she gives up the phone, ends all contact with the OM, sends him a nc letter, etc, etc, etc..... You would segue into this by telling her about a plan of recovery for your marriage where mutual happiness is assured.

Wording is very important here.

"These are all people who are close to our family and it is important they know the truth too."

Don't be too concerned about trying to sell her on this, that will be impossible. Please listen to me carefully, Carolina. Telling those people about the affair increases the chances of the affair ending. She won't want those ppl to know she is like that so she will be more motivated to STOP. While it may be painful for her to endure, it is the best thing that can happen to her. When she comes out of her fog of addiction, SHE WILL THANK YOU.

But be assured this needs to happen, C. This is her SECOND go around with this scumbag so you cannot afford to show up at a gun fight with a peashooter. You need all your ammunition to kill this AFFAIR.

Thank you all so much....you guys (and gals) are great....seriously. Having this outlet to get things off of my chest and bounce things off of people has been huge for me. :-)

As I mentioned in my first post, since we separated (22 days ago) I have noticed a drastic change in her behavior. She has gone from hardly speaking to me at all to opening up a little to (over the past 4-5 days) being sweet as can be, showing real interest in me, talking like she definitely wants things to work out with us, etc. That said, she has NO idea that I know that this other thing is going on....none at all. She is gonna be completely and utterly dumbfounded which, if I must admit, I am looking forward to. She has hurt me....but I do love her. Numerous times in the past 2 weeks, I've seen her crying (which is not like her at all), etc. There is no doubt that she is having a massive internal struggle between doing what is fun and doing what is right. Over the course of the past week, it appears that the scales are tilting toward doing what is right.

All that said, do you guys think that this exposure, that me moving home and setting these boundaries while expressing love and hope for our marriage, our family, and our future together, may tilt the scales completely in "right's" favor and that she might finally break through the fog and get back to the real world?

It's just, as I sit here, I am obviously anxious, but very hopeful about what may happen. I think this may be what she needs to snap out of this fantasy world she's been living in for far too long. If she does not respond favorably, and takes the kids and leaves our house as I come back in, I just don't know what I would do next. I guess, at this point, I am just going to hope for the best and do what I know will offer the best chance of saving our marriage. If things do not go as I hope they will, I'll be back tomorrow and figure out what comes next. I just hate putting a 3 yr old and a 5 yr old in the middle of this turmoil.....but I guess I have to remember, this was a choice she made. If what I am gonna do creates turmoil, it is because I love my family and I am trying to right the ship the best I know how.

Ya know??

Carolina, this plan has the greatest chance of breaking through the fog, IMO. HOWEVER, that fog is not going to fade away in one night. She will initially be furious. You are taking the CRACK PIPE away from the crack head, so you can expect some initial fury. But that is ok, she will be deep down grateful that you yanked her out of her personal hell.

But she has to sober up first before the fog wears off and she sees what she almost lost .............. and for what!? for a scumbag who cares nothing about her.

This is what it will take to help her sober up. Keep in mind that the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all costs. She will be upset, no matter what. And that is OK.

I would expect that she does not initially respond favorably. I will be surprised if she does! In fact, I will be SHOCKED! There is no way to take the crack pipe away from the crack head and not have them scream. That is an unrealistic expectation.

She may threaten to leave when you come home. You tell her she is free to go, but she is not free to snatch your kids from their safe home. Only with a court order can she remove them. It is not fair to drag your kids from their home to accommodate her affair.

I think your plan is great but I would advise to get agreement on the prepaid phone (and have her hand it over to you) BEFORE you discuss the exposure.

Exposure is going to make her furious. And she is not going to agree to ANYTHING after you tell her about it. In fact you may want to limit your discussion at the restaurant to just the affair facts and moving home facts -- and wait to tell her about exposure after you are HOME.

I am a little worried about having this conversation in the restaurant at all.

C, what do you think of having a nice, easy dinner and then having this discussion in the car in the parking lot?

That's a thought. Think that might be the better option?

Are the grandparents or family babysitting? Maybe they could take the kids to their house and you could bring dinner to the house and do it there? you need to move back in anyway...

bump -- any update?

UPDATE -

Not good. Not good at all.

Everything went accroding to plan. I exposed just before dinner, picked her up, had a nice dinner, and as soon as we got back in the car, I told her exactly what I posted above. She was obviously mad as hell, devestated, and embarassed.

I spent the night at home and she seemed a little better this a.m. She went to work as did I. I received a call from OMW after I arrived at work telling me that OM had found out that she (and everyone else) knew. He said they (OM and OMW) needed to talk. He went to meet her (remember, they are separated too) and told her that he was in love with my WW, that my WW was in love with him, that he did not want to be married to her anymore, he did not love her anymore, etc.

While my WW had mentioned several times, last night, that she wanted us to both stay at home from now through Christmas, and see if we can work things out....she called me not long ago. She has obviously talked to OM and told me that "there's nothing to work out" that "our marriage is over" and that "she THINKS she wants to be with him". I am beyond devestated and have no idea what to do next.

I do know that the family members that I exposed to have not gotten a hold of her yet, and so hopefully that will still have some impact when they see her (she is with one of them now).

It just blows my mind and devestates me that she is being so selfish about all this. All she is worrying about is her little fantasy with this guy and not about the 11 years we have been together, about our two beautiful boys, and about all that we have been thru together.

Is it over or is there still hope? What next?

Carolina, do not despair! The affair is in a freefall and the affairees are scrambling. Now that it is in the open, it will start to crumble. Now that they are talking about leaving their families, the problems involved with this will come to light and ruin the fantasy. Part of the reason this affair has gone on so long is because the secrecy has fueled the fantasy.

That is all gone now so this will quickly crumble. Hopefully the OMW will expose this affair to all concerned so that extra pressure will be put on the affair.

Just sit tight and don't despair! And whatever you do, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE! Move back in and stay there. That will force her out into another living arrangement if she wants to separate and that will make the affair very uncomfortable.