So my GF is hinting about making our relationship more serious but I am barely a year past my divorce, I'll give a quick summary and then my proposed actions. Then you guys can have a 2x4 fest on me.

Shortly after my D a young woman from the gym approached me for a sex only relationship. I was feeling down, she is young, pretty and hot- so I accepted that deal. We quickly became exclusive and have since then sort of dated with lots of SF. She is trying to become partner at her firm so she is busy.

She has gradually started doing more and more with my children. For example, she saw Julie and Julia and now she and my daughters do one "French" meal a week for us. It nearly makes me cry to see them have something with her that they never had with their mom. Of course the boys like her as well, young, pretty, hot and very sweet to them. She has even made several solo trips to see how Sam and the baby are doing at med school.

We have a good relationship thanks to my learnings from MB and we are open and honest. She said she thinks we are getting pretty serious and for the first time in her life she can see marriage (and children YIKES!!) in her future. I told her too soon for me, she understands but wanted me to know what she is feeling. I am longing for a baby but I think mostly because I miss my grandson.

So I think I might propose early next year with a 3 - 4 year engagement. THen she could become partner before a wedding and we could be very certain this was a good choice. I still should be young enough to do a baby or two after that.

Ok let me have it. The plan seems good to me.

Sounds good to me. I always thought it'd be funny to have a son younger than a grandson, you'd be well on the way to having that .

Other than that, looks good, other than my personal bias against long engagements to "see if it's the right thing". But that's just me.

AGG

AGG,

It would be interesting to have my grandson babysit his aunts and uncles.

My stepbrother, 12, is younger than his "niece", my daughter, 13. They think it's a hoot

6,

Why do you think you will get 2x4s over this?

You are asking for advice and I'm going to give mine, but I don't see any 2x4s coming. We all believe in marriage and I'm sure everyone would love to see you married again and in love!

My concern is over whether a woman who approaches a man for a sex-only relationship is a good choice of partner for a wife and future mother of your children.

I know you two are getting on very well and she is lovely, but what about her values? If this is the first time in her life that she can see marriage in her future, does she have the values required to make a marriage work? Is she doing something now that she never before believed in? If so, why? Is it because she is madly in love? What happens when that "madly in love" feeling meets the reality of nappies, broken nights, fractious toddlers and a demanding partnership in a law firm? (I'm going to whisper that additionally, she will have a husband who is much older than she at a point when her own ageing will start to bother her.)

Will she decide that she was right originally not to have wanted marriage, and wrong to have changed her mind because she fell in love with you?

Do you really think you will respect her? Will you feel safe being married to a woman that can have sex with strangers? I KNOW that she is not planning to marry you and do the same thing, by the way! I just think you should examine her values very carefully.

If you know that it is too soon for you to remarry, then I don't think you should propose. I think that planning a long engagement, which is a way of not committing, demonstrates that you have a "renter" mentality at the moment. You are entering a trial period of commitment to see if your feelings will become firmer. You might end up entering marriage with the same outlook.

If you are not willing to commit to her now, you are giving her a false impression by proposing to her. You should not make it much harder for her to marry by holding out a promise now and then not going through with it in 3 or 4 years, when she is in her 30s and will not find a man to marry quite so easily as she can now. You should tell her you are not willing to marry now and not for a few years yet, and give her the full facts on which to base her decision to stay with you or go elsewhere.

See. No 2x4 there.

Have you flaunted her in front of your XW yet?

If not, then I'm comin at you with 2X4's!!!

She sounds like a keeper.

Sugar,
You bring up some interesting questions. Too many good men end up here because they marry someone when the top needs, SF and PA are met. They end up here years later wondering what happened to the marriage because they lost sight of everything else in the relationship.

6,
I've always had issue with how your relationship started and evolved, but I realize it is my cultivated perception of how a relationship is defined. Your relationship is very foreign to me. For you and GF - it may very well be how this relationship is intended to be and that's okay - it may become a successful marriage and I hope for you it does.

Gg

Pariah,

I won't do that. I love her parents and that would hurt them. Incidentally, I've read some of your story, it should be one of the heartbreaking books. I hope you are on the road to happiness.

Hi GG (I'm getting to you SugarCane),

You and I have a different perspective on the casual sex thing, I know. At least I'm not a hypocrite to think less of my GF when I did exactly the same thing.

We have the best relationship I have ever had. So honest and open, she is self sufficient and yet fiercely loyal to me. I admit that I am swayed by the PA and SF aspects. And I worry about that a little since she values PA and I am a bit older than her, but I'm incredibly hot so ...

Right now it seems so great but I am afraid.

Hi SugarCane,

Thanks for you time to help me out.

I do not fault her for being open with the sexual relationship, we were acquaintances, she had liked me for a while and she did not have time to date.

I'm testing her ability to deal with reality with my own children and grandchild. So far she is a super star in that area but I think I need more time.


Will she change her mind, I don't know we have talked about it. But it seems like a genuine change in her as she has been maturing not completely due to how fantastic I am in bed. It is also due to the time she spends with my family, I can see hoe much she loves being part of the whole big tribe.

So here is my biggest dilemma. I love her and emotionally I would love to say lets get married tomorrow and have some babies and be a family. However, I am afraid and I'm trying to let my brain rule on this decision.

Personally, I tend to agree with this. I just don't get the "3-4 trial engagement period". That's what dating is for. If you are committing, you are committing; if you are not, you are not. I'd also suggest that you date until you are ready to commit, then commit and get married.

AGG

Hi AGG,

Emotionally I really do want to commit and get married. I just think it seems stupid to do that so soon.

These two statements contradict each other. If I were to combine them as one sentence to try and make sense of it, it would be something like: "I think it is stupid to commit and get married so soon." I agree.

But then you would take a chance on losing young, hot, intelligent, and loves kids. So you're considering enticing her to invest, while leaving yourself an option to buy later.

I think that the dilemma you find yourself in is due to jumping into a sexual relationship so quickly and nonchalantly. Morals are generally based on sound reasoning--without the easy sex, would you have gotten into a close relationship with this young woman? Didn't this all start as "Oh, no big deal, I'm not looking for anything except sex?" But that's not where you are now, is it?

If you're both happy, great. But lots of red flags. Despite that, I'm sure lots of guys would be happy to be in your shoes right now!

Thanks Nano,

I'm not complaining, I am sure lots of guys would envy my current life. I see the road that led me here, I just don't know what is best ahead. Maybe I just tell her that I am so happy with where we are right now and that I need more time to heal.

Like Nano, I find this statement troubling... The way I hear it, and correct me if I'm wrong, is more like "she's hotter than what I expected to be able to get, and she is nice to my kids, so I'd love to hold on to this chick, until I make sure that we are really compatible". Am I right?

I hear hormones speaking, rather than a deep mature love. And I know where you are coming from, I also stumbled across a hot young thing when I first got divorced, and she sure did take my breath away. But in time, we found we were totally wrong for each other. I'll take a kind, sweet, and stable "girl next door" over a "hottie" that is a poor match any day.

I am hearing that you are in lust with her, and you hope that it develops into love. That is fine, but by golly, you do not marry (or propose to) someone in this infatuation phase.

Would you feel the same way about this match if for some reason you thought the sex life were to go away at some point? And would she?

AGG

Hi AGG,

Are hormones speaking for me? I don't know for sure but its been months since we started seeing each other. I could probably get someone hotter if that was my only goal, but you are right that as a whole package (smart, young, hot, enthusiastic in bed, same profession, nice to the kids, nice to me ) I probably can not do better.

If I were two or three years out of my marriage I would be more certain of my judgment, but the fact is she filled a huge void that I had for a long time.

I guess the correct prescription is a very open discussion of where my whole head is on the relationship.

Would either of us be in this relationship with no sex? I'm a guy would like sex at least once a day as ideal, she is probably happy with 3 - 5 times a week. So I don't think a platonic relationship would work for either of us. So what happens when she is 50 and I am 67, not sure I guess I would have to keep my butt in shape.


We'll have a long talk, and I'll report back with new problems no doubt.

Been there, done that... My last GF was 20 years younger than me (55/35). She said early on that she wanted another child. I said "Well, I never say never." I wasn't totally honest with her but I was having a great time. She ended it 18 months later.

Ok dumbest question ever... does it not worry you that this woman came on to you "for a sex only relationship"?

Since you are here (MB) I am assuming your xW was a xWW. Why would you seriously consider semeone with such a rouge attitude tword men/sex?

ok all men now... 1,2,3,...duhhhhhhhh!

Well, I mean as a wife. She came onto you for non commitment sex, it goes to follow...just saying.

I'd really think over two things.
No. 1:
17 years is a BIG age difference. All the little "problems" she comes across (the hurdles in life) will be old hat to you. She may like that, in that she can just follow your lead. She may resent it, in that new stuff she conquers will be same-old same-old to you. I know a few marriages with an age difference like this that seem to be working (from what we see on the outside) but the marriages I admire (again from what we see on the outside) have a close age gap.

No. 2:
If she wants kids and you don't, you need to CLEARLY say to her "I don't want kids and never will, that is not going to change." Otherwise, you are lying to her and that is very disrespectful. That is a huge no-no. And the fact that she has said she wants one, even if she says now "It's OK, I really don't want one." is an indication to me that it WILL come up again. You MIGHT do it now, and it MIGHT make her hope, but every year that goes by for you, you will be less and less willing to do it. Don't put her through that pain - this conversation needs to be frank, open, and honest.

If she were my daughter, I'd be telling her not to date you. What if she were yours?

6, I actually am not sure you need to have a very open discussion about this. What is there to say? "Um, I'm not sure." Sometimes, it can be best to let things rest.

Ten months is not a very long time for the hormones to cool down and real life interfere. I'd say it's even less time when you go straight from divorce to relationship. And even less time when there's a 17 year age difference. For example, how comfortable do you feel, really, that this woman is MUCH closer in age to your oldest son than she is to you? That would give me pause. Just imagine going into a business partnership with someone your son's age. Would you do it? How equal of a partnership would it be? Marriage is not a business partnership, but it is a partnership. I was married to someone 17 years older than me. I think there was an innate power imbalance in the beginning. When I started assuming a more equal position, B was very very unhappy.