I moved out because my husband was messing around with someone. He had already had an affair with my best friend a few years back. I took the drastic measure because he refused to stop contact with this person, saying they were just friends. I moved only a few blocks away from him, maintaining a sexual relationship, talking with him daily. I had asked that our time apart be just a breather. I was hoping he would realize what damage he was causing the relationship and stop. A few weeks after I moved, I found him in bed with her. I filed for divorce. I had second thoughts and he agreed to counciling. It didn't go well. Plus, I found out a half-dozen times over the summer he had contact with her. I told him a in Sept I was done and was starting the divorce back up. He said he tried to commit suicide, started going to church, gave his life to Christ, and wanted our marriage to work. Since then I have seen him at the bar three times late at night alone with this woman. He says its because he is lonely, that he hasn't had anymore than a friendship with her, and slept with her just the one time. He said he is a needy person and he needs me back home. He said if I move back in, he won't have anything to do with her, that I can trust him. He has done a good job at making me feel guilty for moving out and leaving him alone. He said I have set him up to fail because I know he is a needy person and couldn't handle being alone. He also said in the same conversation that if I choose to call it quits, he would be with her. Should I move back in and test him? I feel like I should be able to trust him before I move back, that he needs to prove he is trustworthy now. Please I need some advice.

Divorce him. He is not marriage material. He will NEVER be marriage material.

The ONLY way he will ever 'see the light' is if you leave him for good - that means no sex and for pete's sake, get tested for STDs! - and you will then be in a position of power for what he would have to do to WIN you back.

He doesn't try because he knows you're weak and he doesn't have to. Prove him wrong. Divorce him.

Hi barflyishisnow, I am really sorry to hear thay you are in this awful position. I too had a spouse that was saying one thing and constantly doing the opposite. His behaviour / actions are screaming out that he has not addressed the problem and will be unlikely to until you truly give him a reason to.

My ex always denied everything to the point that I was doubting myself even when I showed her the messages and phone logs. It was amazing... She convinced me a 100 times that she had turned over a new leaf, but never did. It was only when I put my plans A and B into action that she experienced enough pain to really think about the consequences of her actions.

Truth of the matter is that you need to take back control of the situation and have him respect you / himself. Unfortunately his actions indicate he does not.

As stated by catperson, sex between the two of you is a bad idea at present. It complicates the situation and if he is going to cheat on you, he will, sex or no sex ;-(
Get yourself some counselling and help yourself. Make sure you get tested for STD's ASAP.

Also, decide what you want to do going forward and then implement your plan.

I haven't posted on this board for about 4.5 years and am now divorced(by choice). Reading the various posts, the problems , the excuses, the characters, the behaviours all seem very similar. Have a read of the advice that I received in some of my posts, especially the latter ones as the advice is still very valid.

Be strong, you can get through this.

Read this article . You know the answer ... then you need to decide if you have the strength to do plan A.

Redhat

Thank you for the advice. I know I should move on with my life. I have become very dependent on him and he knows it. He can make me feel guilty so easily. He keeps telling me that if I hadn't moved out this would have never happened. I make myself sick thinking that I caused him to cheat. I pray God gives me the strength to do the right thing.

I read this on the Surviving an Affair board:
Stop beating yourself up for something you didn't cause.

Give me a break. He never would have cheated on you, lied to you, led you along, guilted you into accepting his cheating, HAD AN AFFAIR WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND?

Come on, you know better than that.

I have a book for you to read. I think it will open your eyes a little bit. It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It teaches you how you are being USED.

Or do you just not want to know that?

WS always put blamed on BS to give excuse and to make them self feel good/justify on what he/she is doing. You should stop listening to him.

Redhat

Thanks you for your help. He told me today that the longer we live apart, the harder it will be for our relationship to work. I guess this is true. I wanted to say to him, if he hadn't of slept with the bar wh...I mean bartender, I would have been back months ago but I didn't. He has been very controlling. He is 13 years older than me and I guess I have always seen him as sort of a father figure also. I am realizing, slowly, that I love the man I have wanted him to be, not the man he is. I am also seeing that I don't like him as a person very much. Why is it so hard to just end the relationship? Sometimes I feel I am stringing him along just in case. But I don't know what the case is. I am pathetic!!!

The way I see it, you have a more objective and realistic point of view about the relationship and the man now that you are living apart.

Sorry duplicate post.. see post below.

Hi barflyishisnow,
Your thinking may be a little "fogish" at the moment, yes? You think that you know what is right and wrong, but then your WS makes you think that maybe you have it all wrong? For me, the voice of reason in my head kept telling me things that I did not want to hear and subsequently I kept ignoring to my own detriment.

The WS can justify just about anything in their own minds and become quite adept at making you feel like it's your fault for all of this. Recognize it for what it is, it's unfair and a form of manipulation that your WS is making you feels that you are responsible for the A. If he is not willing to take responability for his actions, what does that tell you about his recovery / state of mind right now?

You need to be very clear about a few things and it's probably fair to say that you both contributed to the problems in your marriage (i know that I did), BUT;
1. No one made him have the �A�, that was his choice (not yours!).
2. Going outside your marriage was how he chose to deal with whatever issues he was experiencing.
3. He could have gone to counseling, he could have spoken to you, family, etc, about his problems, but he didn't.
4. He chose to have the A, you did not do this for him!!!!

Please realize, I am not judging WS as we all make mistakes in life, but you need to recognize it was his choice, not yours, so you should not feel or buy into his guilt trip! Have I repeated it enough time�s yet, it�s was not your Choice!!!

Stick to your guns and Plan A or Plan B him whatever is appropriate. You need to win back that respect, both his and yours. Plan A / B will help you get some control of your life / situation if you stick to them.

From experience, my WS lost the plot when I Plan A and B'd her. Once she felt that she no longer had control over me she realized that she may lose me / our marriage. This made her try all sorts of things to try and convince me (and herself) that she was genuinely sorry and that she would do whatever was required to fix our marriage.

I probably could have stopped the A dead in it's tracks at the start if I had listened to the wiser and more experienced Marriagebuilders. They told me, expose the Affair and then Plan A'd or Plan B'd her. I was repeatedly advised on the message board to do so, but the guilt, confusion, WS saying the "right things" and the fact that she seemed to be making and effort(a false recovery) made me think that I was making progress. The truth was that I was seeing and hearing what I wanted to see and hear and she was still having her cake and eating it.

Ultimately, becuase I let the A and the mental / emotional abuse drag on for so long I wasn't able to see myself ever wanting to be with this person again. Again, that was my choice, a choice that I would not have had if I didn't stick to Plan A / B.

Apologies for the rambling response, but I hope that this gives you a previous BS's perspective and experinece to help you realise that you have more choices and options than you realise.

Cheers RM66

Are you seeing a counselor? Now is the perfect time to do some soul-searching with the help of a professional.

I have seen a couselor, planning on going back.

Thanks for all the advise RenaissanceMan. I need to hear that rambling..lol I have been thinking seriously about giving him an ultimatum. I have before but always seemed to crumble. I worry so much that he will do what I ask, get me back, then go back to his ways. I'm scared I will lose what little is left of me if I go back. I know he is stronger than me and obviously more manipulative. I struggle to with the fact he has not been honest with me about this relationship. He swears it only happened once and all they have been was friendly when they see each other. We live in a small town and people talk. I know a few things about the two of them he doesn't know I know. I know he has lied. Should I let that eat at me if I give it another try? How much do I really need to know? Having to live in the small town, if I go back w/o knowing what the relationship was, I would feel like an even bigger fool than I do now.

G'day again barflyishisnow,

Did you mention if you are in marriage counselling yet? If not, you need to get in there ASAP for your own sanity. If you are going, maybe it's time you both start going together.

The fact that he is still lying to you indicates one of two things.
1. Either he is embaressed and doesn't want to hurt you by disclosing details, or;
2. More likely (in my opinion) he is just not being honest with you becuase he wants to minimise the damage that his continuing actions will have if he is discovered by you.

You are probably best keeping that information to yourself for the moment as it may come in handy if you are trying to gague his honesty later. I remember a similar situation where my Ex was in Joint Marriage Counselling (JMC)and she was lying to the Counsellor. I was hoping that she was eventually going to be honest about certain things as I beleive no point going to JMC unless you are completely honest. Well I'd had enough and laid most of what I knew on the table, you should have seen the look on hers and the counsellors face when she couldn't deny all the lies she had been telling in the JMC sessions. At that point, it was confirmation of what I already knew, nothing had changed between us.


Anyway, while he is not being honest, genuinely sorry and taking responsibility for his actions, he is sending you a pretty clear indication that he is eithert unable or unwilling to commit to making make the changes that are required for your marriage to heal. Sadly, you may have to face the fact that he may never change his ways. Again, in my case, I beleive that it was better to find this out than wondering.

The truth can be very liberating, no matter how bad the

I / we are not telling you anything you don't already know. If you read your last posting, you have summed up where he stands on this issue. If he is not there standing shoulder to shoulder with you, then you are going to be here again in a week or month with little or nothing to show for it.

PS: Did I tell you, it's not your fault that he had the A!!!! ;-)

Thank you for all of your advice. I am done with him. I don't know how much more I can take of all HIS games. My best friend, my rock, the one who has been with me through this whole mess just told me she has cancer and it is not good. I am devastated! I am so angry at him! She has spent countless hours with me, letting me cry on her shoulder and listen to me whine through all of this. All I can think now is she has wasted all this time with me and she should have spent it with her husband and kids! She can never get it back. We should have spent these months laughing and having fun together like we used to but instead it has been spent crying over the pain and heartache he has caused me. I know its not his fault. But I am done wasting my time on people who play games. Life is to short! I think I'm going to spend my time worrying about her and taking care of her needs because she is the one who truly has them. I don't know if its right to make my decision on my marriage because of what my friend is going through, but I have had it! He can have his stupid skanky bartending ho and have a ho ho ho merry christmas with her!

B, sorry it's come to this but good on ya for taking the strength to stand up for yourself. You deserve better.

We're here for you.

Hi barflyishisnow, sorry to hear the bad news regarding your friend. Sometimes these things happen for a reason (that is not apparent to us). i.e. A wake up call from the universe to make you focus on what is important in life.

You have shown incredible courage and strength to have come so far and make the decisions that you have. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!! O