I think you know the answer.

Additionally, the line "She said she loves me and cares for me but she is no longer in love with me" is straight from the WS textbook. In this forum this line has been repeatedly reported by many betrayed spouses and it even has its own acronym here (ILYBINILWY - I Love You But Im Not In Love With You)).

And it ALWAYS indicates that there is someone else then.

You have to expose, but most important thing right now is that you do not reveal your sources!!!

How do I expose and not reveal sources. Somehow I have to find a source (which I did, his sister) and let her know I know. I can't just say I know everything and leave it at that can I?

I was also thinking of how I am going to tell her. I was thinking about writing a letter telling her I know and giving her 2 options.

1) Sever allcontact with OM, Heal our marraige, save our family, or

2) Get a divorce and I fight like hell for my boys.

Then I will leave for a day or two to let her think about it and come back for her response.

Is that just openning the dor for the divorce. I don't knw if giving her that 2nd option I am doomed to be divorce. I really want her to choose us but I don't know if I should just give her option 1 only.

HELP?

What is my next step?

I didn't think I would be in this position so quickly. I need to end the A now before it gets 2late. They are already talking about moving and sharing kids.

AOA, from what I've read, it's already "2late." Your W is already in the fog and there's no point in being subtle or "protective." A saying I often use with my W is, "I only look stupid." I don't have any reason to say anything about how I know, I just know. Let her try to figure it out. The most confused she gets about what you know and how you know it, the better.

Talking to your wife IS NOT YOUR FREIND NOW.

Expose. Expose without malice-- just state the facts and what your objectives are.
GO NUCLEAR-- do not leave anyone out.

Crop, copy and paste her FB chat if you need to. This will settle her hash about "spinning"

DO NOT let her know what you are planning.

Expose all you want. Do it today. You do not have to reveal your sources. Or tell how you got that letter from OM sis.

If WW say's she's leaving with the kids tell her no, she wants to leave then she gets to leave alone. Then call a lawyer to stop her from taking the kids.

I hear what you all r saying. It's kind of contradicting! I may retract the option theory. That just gives her an out. I am thinking about telling that I know but not much more. Let her explain herself. The email has deep doo doo written all over it for her. No lying will cover that up. I found the email that OM sister wrote her. She said that my W will be welcomed into their family but my W needs to be absolutely sure that she can leave and be devoted to OM.
SSounds like there may be room for me to shine and give her pause. May be a lie, but W said she wants to go to therapy and try to figure out what she wants. She already told me she wants out but not the real why. Once I get that from her than we may be on a track at least.
I do want to call the OMW and explain to her to. Like right after I get my W to confess.
I do want to wait a few days to see what the keylogger comes up with after our talk last night.
See if she disses me or makes her confused about her original intent.

NO NO NO NO NO!

Haven't you been reading the articles here? You're going about this ALL wrong.

(1) You don't tell HER. You tell her mother, father, brothers, sisters, best friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, priest...anyone whose respect she wants to keep. You tell THEM that she is having an affair, and you want their advice on how to stop the adultery. Then you sit back and let them shower her with visits or phone calls.

(2) You tell HIS wife.

(3) You tell HIS mother, father, brothers, and sisters. You sit back and let THEM shower him with phone calls.

(4) Then you wait for the anger. The lies. The backsliding, the rewriting history, the accusations. And you say NOTHING except "I am trying to save my marriage."

(5) YOU DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. EVER. If she feels like she can 'no longer be in your vicinity' you say 'go right ahead - but you are NOT taking the children from their home.' Chances are it's all bluff, to get YOU out, and if you prove you're not leaving, if SHE leaves, you can use abandonment against her in the future.

(6) You continue to Plan A her, showing her what her 'real' life could be if she'd get her head out of her butt (but don't say that, lol).

At the moment, none of this will likely work for her. But your ONLY chance at this is to remain strong, mad (but fair), silent, and unyielding.

It doesn't matter where you got your information. You do NOT even talk about that. All that matters is that YOU know, and now everyone in her life knows. Do NOT engage in talk about this. Let her go crazy trying to figure out how you found out.

Then, when she has calmed down, you repeat to her what you want. No contact, and NC letter that she writes but YOU send, total transparency in her life hereonout...others can add better ideas for this part.

Definitely drive home that you WILL sue for total custody based on her unfaithfulness, and that you WILL put her and him on the witness stand if she tries to take your kids away from you and into a home based on adultery. Scare the crap out of her NOW, while you have the best opportunity.

NO!

You call OMW today, or whichever day you are going to expose to WW's family - BEFORE you talk to your wife. You have to do this. If you do it after, she and he will have had time to spin 'their' version which will include that you are abusive, don't take care of your special needs son, drink, ignore her, whatever it takes to make YOU the crazy one. Then you won't have any leverage, and you'll be left without your entire family and your kids will be living with OM.

Tell OMW BEFORE you confront your wife. Let HER do the heavy lifting on OM's side. Sometimes, that's all it takes - often, an OM will run for the hills once his wife starts beating him over the head with a frying pan.

Hi,

You are in the battle of your life right now. You need to do a screen shot of that Facebook email and put it away for safe keeping. It will come in handy later. Right now, your WW is in a fantasy thinking that she will replace you with OM. Plus, you have mentioned she has a lot of divorced friends and relatives. They know how the game works. You don't. But, you can also use that advantage against them because they will not expect you to know the game. Her email to the sister is a huge red flag with her intentions. Now, you have to defend yourself like the Russians defended Stalingrad.

1. Have a recorder on you at all times when you and WW are interacting.

2. Expect WW to file a false protection order against you. Protection Orders are horribly abused in divorces and are almost standard operating procedure now. What they can do is get you out of the house, establish temporary custody, and spousal support with little effort expended. Unfortunatly, the folks who abuse this take scarce resources away from the people who the law was intented to protect. Your voice recorder will become like gold.

3. See an attorney now. Draw up divorce papers. However, do not file them. Just have them at the ready. If your attorney says Mom always gets the kids, find a new one.

4. If she even threatens to file a protection order against you, get your rear end to the courthouse and file one against her. A little know part of the domestic violence laws is that causing a scene to bait a reaction by someone IS considered domestic violence. Again, your voice recorder is gold. My attorney used this arguement to get a contempt charge against exWW for filing false charges.

Here's a link to my thread - I've been through 4 false protection orders because my exWW wants to live her life with POSOM. I linked you to the point where the voice recorder really helped me.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2258959&page=57

This part is the thing I have ever done. I hear you Cat. I think that is the advice I have been waiting for. Thank you!

It feels wierd telling everyone but her at first.

Would emailing her family suffice. Or do I need to call personally and explain each time?

Thanks PSUbiker! That is some grim but very helpful info!

Phone calls or email to family and friends about affair?

Definitely phone calls or in person. Emails can be used against you legally, can be altered. Do not underestimate this woman's ability to drag you through the mud. She is NOT your wife! She is an alien, a crack addict, who can think of nothing right now except maneuvering OM into her home to replace you.

Anything you do will be seen as war by her.

But your old wife is in there, somewhere, buried deep. If you can get her away from OM, the fog may clear and she'll be horrified at her own actions. You HAVE to tell everyone else first. This is war right now, because you have a VERY distinct chance of losing your children. And how do you think OM will do taking care of a special needs child?

Plus, if you talk to them, you ask them for advice, you give and take, and it makes them feel more on your side and wanting to support you over her. Emails won't do that.

Exposure will make your wife furious.

This is ok, your marriage can survive her anger, it will not survive an ongoing affair.

She will call you every name in the book.
She will say she hates you.
Never loved you.
That she was going to try to work things out with you, but you ruined that.
She will be madder and more belligerent than you have ever seen her in her life.

Expect it!!
It is a Fact!!

Do not react to it.

Remain calm, tell her you are just trying to save your marriage. Just keep repeating that to her.

Whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE OUT!!

She can leave if she wants� but you do not.

I doing it today. I am calling the OMW in a few. I am sick of this knot in my stomach.
She doesn't know its coming either. After our talk last night she seems to be a little more caring to me. I understand the reaction this will bring and "my tank is full" As the commercial goes. I am in it for the long haul because I believe she and us are worth it.

Sorry, just a pep talk for my self. My neck is getting hot. What's up with that?

Wish me luck!
Honestly, not even knowing who you people are, you are my best friends! Love ya guys!

Please listen to cat and gack - they are absolutely correct. When I exposed my wife,I had not yet discovered MB and Plan A and all that. So even though I unknowingly did the right thing by exposing, I had no idea what was coming and didn't know how to handle it. The fogtalk was right out of the scripts - I saw the exact same quotes from other WWs on other threads (do they have a handbook?).

The exposure made things worse for a while. But, once I understood what was happening and as cat says, I viewed WW as some kind of alien, not my wife, I was able to calm down and handle it a lot better. HUGE difference!

WW is still a bit peeved, but at only about 5% of where she was, and it's almost gone. I'm also convinced that the exposure helped end the EA.

That's your adrenaline pushing you. Use it!

Good luck! Just remember to stay calm and collected and logical. Never let them think you're some hysterical nut. She'll try to paint you that way, but you'll want them to remember how calm and collected and logical you sounded when you talk to them. So when she tries to spin HER version, they'll think back and go 'hmmm, it's kinda obvious which one is telling the truth.'

You might want to write out a little paragraph and have it in front of you, so in case your nerves make you stutter, you'll have a script.

What are you going to say?

well i just called and got vmail. i think they both work. so when i do talk to her he might be right there.
i plan to say "Mrs.OMW, you probably dont know who i am. My name is *** and WW is my wife. I am sorry i have to make this but i have discovered something that affects both you and i. I havee found out that your husband and my wife have been having an affair. I don't know how long it has been going on but I do know that it is a very serious affair.'

then i cry and she cries.

how's that? sorry for grammar and spelling errors. I am really shaking right now.

Lots and lots of deep breaths, ok? They help you to calm down. VERY effective.

How about:
Mrs OMW, my name is *** and my wife is having an affair with your husband. It is very serious, and they are making plans to leave the two of us and start a new life together. I have proof. Can we talk?

Short and sweet.

And if you call and he answers, pretend you're a magazine salesman. He'll hang up on you. Then try calling later from a different phone number.

Thanks cat! that is perfect. I should be able to get that out before i vomit.
I hate that it is right before xmas. We have my parents flying in on xmas eve.
What should we do about xmas. I am not gonna wait til after so it will most likely ruin it. but I guess i am not the one really ruining now am i? i guess its just a wait and see game.