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He said "Oh I like how it's YOUR room," You see? This is what I mean. He's NOT thinking like a man who's at all ready to leave you. Why wouldn't he think of it as YOUR room? If he's planning on moving out in Feb.. It's funny you wrote this Marsh....It made me think of some VERY WISE words Believer used to tell me, "He's very attached to you"....and MY WH had already MOVED out when I started PLAN A..... Heed these observations Scot.....they are the words for those who have been around this stuff Oh, and as far as what to do on Plan B day, I'm gonna defer to Pep and the others on this. I never did a Plan B because the A did end when that time came, so I don't have as much experience in how that day goes....but I'll be praying for you all the same..... not2fun
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Not2fun- thanx for all of the wisdom and support so far you have been awesome  I am looking forward to what the vets have to say about my Plan B day. I would hope that I wouldn't have to ask him to leave but I really couldn't live through another month and a half of this. I know in my heart that he does have doubts about leaving but I feel like if I didn't ask him to go that we would be in a holding pattern for a long time and I would give up on us because my Love bank would be empty. I know at first he said things to me like " A lot can happen between now and February" to which my response was (keep in mind PRE Plan A) "Yea you could get hit by a meteor". Sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't ask him to leave but then I think about it again and I know that it is the right thing to do. I am just afraid that it will be done then. That is the hardest part but I do know that it won't be done BECAUSE I asked him to leave but because he didn't want to be with me. The hardest part in all of this is the feelings sometimes that what if OW CAN meet all of his En's and he IS happier with her. Well I guess I will let it play out and see where the universe takes me
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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speaking of sanity, what have you done for yourself lately?? This is an important part of Plan A .... looking after YOU. Plan A is emotionally draining and it can be easy to crash and burn. Your adrenaline is keeping you going right now, not to mention the anticipation of Plan B, and let's throw in the craziness of Christmas chaos.  I agree with Marshmallow, I don't think that he really wants to leave. He'd be gone by now, no excuses, just plain gone. As for loving OW, he is more likely infatuated with her attention and the needs that she is meeting right now, Admiration being the #1. This is the one that you should concentrate on and be sure to meet, as well as the others that you've identified as best as possible. Along with everything else that you are doing, remind him for example ..... how well he has provided for your family, how great he looks in those old jeans, how you love watching him shovel the snow, how you love his smell when he gets out of the shower, etc....
M'd 22 years
BW-me
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(((((Scotland)))))), I would hope that I wouldn't have to ask him to leave but I really couldn't live through another month and a half of this. I can't say I blame you. You have been through this for 2 yrs. now. That is a LONG time. I did Plan A for 3 1/2 months, BUT my WH had moved out. It made it a little more bearable that he wasn't around all the time for me to experience his poopheadness....I have much ADMIRATION for those who do Plan A while living with the wayward. I know in my heart that he does have doubts about leaving but I feel like if I didn't ask him to go that we would be in a holding pattern for a long time and I would give up on us because my Love bank would be empty. This is so very true and very wise of you to acknowledge this. If most WS's had their way they would fence-sit indefinately.....  I am just afraid that it will be done then. This is EVERY BS's fear on here that has ever done a Plan B. Very normal..... The hardest part in all of this is the feelings sometimes that what if OW CAN meet all of his En's and he IS happier with her. Well I guess I will let it play out and see where the universe takes me Don't let those "what if's" get to you. And REMEMBER, this Affair is based on dishonesty, lies, and deception. No relationship can ever last being born from this nature. And if it did last, then you will be well rid of him. YOU deserve better than a relationship based on these "virtues". And remember too, you have his history, intimate knowledge of his likes/dislikes/desires/dreams/fears..... ((((Scotland))))) Stay strong honey.....you have a heart of gold.... not2fun
Last edited by not2fun; 12/12/09 06:39 PM.
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I am just afraid that it will be done then. The thing is, if he is cheating, what do you have? I say, all or nothing, right? So Plan B is to prove that - to him and to yourself. I truly think that most men's fantasy is multiple wives, women all over them, fawning on them, stroking their ego. The thing is, most of the world doesn't work that way. But that doesn't stop some men from trying, lol.
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I'm not experienced in Plan B either, mine wasn't MB style, very spur of the moment, more like Plan Rage, get the $#@! out.
I can tell you that I finally felt like I had some peace, since I didn't have to carry on feeling like a two-faced person.
(he was only gone 6 days so I didn't have the hard part of plan B where I missed him after a lengthy time away)
According to my WH (at the time), he needed to be gone from me and his family to
reflect on what he had done and decide what he wanted in his future.
I put a message on his phone the day he left. You know the one on the screen that is the main frame that you always see. Does that make any sense?
It said 'Find the path home' (had to do all one word since it wouldn't allow too many characters.)
M'd 22 years
BW-me
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Scotland i have been reading your whole thread. I'd like to say i wish i had your strenght and courage when i tried to save my marriage. If i had well maybe things would have been different. You are doing everything that your WH wants you to do. It is driving him insane on the inside. One day he will tell you that. He can't possibly admit it now cause that would be like telling you his lying about his "relationship" with the OW. BLAHHH... you can do this and you seem to be doing it the right way. I have high hopes for you.
And not2fun is a good source of encouragement. You two remind me of each other in the way things are kind of unfolding for you.
Just stay strong for you and your kids and know that no matter what happens you three will be ok!!!
Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
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How I went to B.
I called the wayward on the phone in the afternoon and told him I had reached my limit of being able to deal with the pain of him being involved with OW and he needed to leave that evening.
I did see him that evening and we discussed some things as he was going (kids, how much I loved him and hoped being gone would help him feel better about being married to me, etc).
He stayed at a friends for a while til he had a place to move into of his own.
About five days after he left.....I sent him a plan B letter (and OW got a copy too).
He tried to test my boundaries a few times by hijacking me but I was kind and firm each time telling him he needed to not contact me as mentioned in my letter to him. I told him each time "I love you".
I am still riding the plan B train.
You then will feel very grief stricken cause you will miss him, you will get stronger and start to live a real, true to yourself life and time will tell what will happen. We never really had control over anyone but ourselves anyway.
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As for why he is waiting until February, it was my idea at first. He told me he was thinking about leaving me on September 20th. He said he was only THINKING ABOUT leaving you. I told him that he could leave November 1st. He told me that was too soon. Nov. 1st was too SOON for him. Then I said that if he didn't leave then, then he wouldn't be able to leave until February so as to not ruin Xmas for the kids or our youngest son's bday who is in January. And he was OK w/ this b/c in his mind, "ALOT CAN HAPPEN BETWEEN NOV. AND FEB." ..like finding another reason why he needs to stay. One thing that she said to me really does hurt though and I just need to get it off my chest. My H and I had always said that if anything was to happen that he would not take the kids from me. While I was talking to her (and letting her fight HIS battles) she said that my WH would have total access to the kids and that she wouldn't stand in their way (in response to my saying that he would only be spending about 13 hours a week with them).
I responded by saying, "Yea but only until a lawyer got involved" and then she said "Oh well I can just take them from you then. I have the room and I don't mind." I was so upset that I just said out loud "Oh you want to take the kids away from me, their house, family school and friends" Her response was "Oh no there's a house that's for rent down the street from you and we will just move there"
I didn't react to that but after I hung up I asked my WH if he was going to try to take the kids and he said no. I know that there is no reason to take them away from me. I just was so upset and I let her get to me. OH I am not happy about OW right now. This tells you that OW and WH did NOT PLAN how they could be together. He said "Oh I like how it's YOUR room," This coupled w/ his "alot can happen between now and then..." statement tells you he STILL doesn't have a plan. B/c he doesn't want to have one. He's a cake eater.
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If he's worried that you will kick him out of your bed b/c he went to see OW...
He's gonna flip out when you kick him out of the house.
Why should he worry if you kick him out of the bedroom? Shouldn't that be the perfect excuse to move into HER bed?
He threatened to do that the first time you did it. But, he didn't. He just kept insisting that he sleep in your bed.
I think you're gonna have trouble getting him to leave the home.
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True, BUT, it will also have a far bigger effect on him when she goes to Plan B.
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True, BUT, it will also have a far bigger effect on him when she goes to Plan B. Oh, yes! I totally agree. He's going to be devastated. I just want Scot to be prepared if he refuses to leave. Which I am 98% sure he will.
Last edited by Marshmallow; 12/12/09 09:11 PM.
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Now with only 6 days left till Plan B, I wonder a little. What if he DOESN'T go? I am planning on putting his things on the front porch and putting the Plan B letter on top. Then I send the kids to my sister's and......well that's where I am stuck. Should I be around? Some of my friends think I should be gone too but I will just sit and wonder if he is gone yet. I think you ought to have a couple of your friends over when he arrives home and sees his things on the porch. He might be less likely to refuse to leave if your friends are there. Plus, it is always a good idea to have witnesses....just in case.
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True, BUT, it will also have a far bigger effect on him when she goes to Plan B. Oh, yes! I totally agree. He's going to be devastated. I just want Scot to be prepared if he refuses to leave. Which I am 98% sure he will. There is no way my XWH would have agreed to leave without the pressure of a court hearing that was about to take place THAT day...he delayed signing the separation agreement until 12:00 noon with a 1:00 p.m. court time set. I am always amazed on these boards how BSs just ask WSs to leave and---they leave!!!
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Scotland:
I am AMAZED...simply AMAZED and in total awe of the stellar plan A you have been doing.
Yes, you are going to have to go to Plan B because your WH is not ending his affair. But remember, Plan B is to PROTECT YOU. It's not about him at all. You are removing yourself from the drama.
If you execute Plan B as well as you execute Plan A, then no matter what happens, I think you're going to be fine. If your WH gets his head out of his a$$ and comes home, then you will become a MB success story. If not, you will still be a success story because while you are in Plan B, you will learn how to livew your life on your own, respect yourself and prove to yourself that you can be the rock upon which your kids can lean.
ETA: And as Cat said, if he doesn't come home, but runs all the way TO the OW----then you are still better off. You can't be in a marriage with three people!
Last edited by OurHouse; 12/13/09 10:27 AM.
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I simply responded with "you are breaking my heart, thanks again for dinner." I didn't want to engage with him because I was already close to crying. WONDERFUL !!!  Even the "close to crying" part. Waynerds convince themselves (with the help of OW) that "everyone will be happy once these changes are made". Waynerds also convince themselves (again, with the help of OW) that the wife really does not care all that much for WH. Can you SEE the power and the strength and the love infused within the messages you are now sending WH? He's so much more conflicted than he was a week ago.  GREAT verbal and non-verbal communication. Too bad about the "my room" comment, but everyone has a slip. Everyone.  There is NO comeback to the "You are breaking my heart.". Real consequences of Plan A ~~~> I am breaking my wife's heart and she is being good to me. You have made tremendous progress since the start of this thread. You have hundreds of supporters. Lurkers too. AND, you are inspiring bravery for dozens of lurkers too afraid to post. You don't know it yet, but you are becoming a heroine ... and paying it forward.
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I think you ought to have a couple of your friends over when he arrives home and sees his things on the porch.
He might be less likely to refuse to leave if your friends are there.
Plus, it is always a good idea to have witnesses....just in case. I like this idea. Be sure to tell your friends to say NOTHING. Just be there. They will be tempted to bust his chops on your behalf, don't allow this when you are having your good-bye. Have the women sitting watching TV. Present, but silent.
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Scot, are you going to change the locks the day you go into Plan B?
If you are (and you really SHOULD but I am not sure about the laws where you are) then there really shouldn't be much of a concern...his stuff will be on the front porch with the PBL and you will either not be there, or you will be locked safely inside with your family/friends/support team.
I went into Plan B by handing my FWH my letter (he was already staying at his parent's house). Later that night I packed up all of his stuff and left it on the driveway with my IM letting him know it was ready for him. I changed the locks that night as well and he was very shocked when he tried to get into the house and couldn't.
I didn't talk to him again until Plan B ended about 6 weeks later...I stayed very, very dark. But my PB was a little different in that we had been in a false recovery...when I found out that the A had never ended, I did MASSIVE NUCLEAR exposure and went straight into Plan B. He was not in contact with the OW while in Plan B because my exposure did what it was supposed to do and killed the A.
It also was the beginning of clearing the fog once I was not allowing the cake eating anymore.
Hope this helps...
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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You have concerns that "what if?" OW fills WH's ENs better than you. Here is something for you to read, and think about. NOT something for you to share with WH. LINK to "Why do affair marriages fail" Your WH and OW are not getting married, however, the principles about the built-in flaws of that relationship still apply. The crux of the message is: He gives 12 reasons for this phenomenon:
1. Intervention of reality
2. Guilt
3. Disparity of sacrifice
4. Expectations
5. General distrust of marriage
6. Distrust of affairee
7. Divided loyalties
8. The nature of infidels
9. The nature of affairees
10. Romance
11. Scapegoating the betrayed
12. Unshared history
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And a little more reading material for you: LINK to "life after infidelity" The part I think is applicable to your situation is the part dealing with ROMANTIC affairs. Here it is. ROMANTIC INFIDELITY
Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate--someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own--is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your fife, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.
Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born--any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.
Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads--at least for a while. It's important that YOU recognize this now (and WH will recognize it later, after his cranial/rectal extraction is complete): "Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages."
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