Just fart in her direction, Frank Capra.

Sounds like the OMW and her attorney may be decent allies. Hopefully, the info you provide will help his wife screw him over.

It's a wonderful life!

For your Christmas cards, simply wish them a Merry Christmas, tell them you miss them, and let them know how much you wish you could be with them.

Write a separate letter to be sent a little later, that tackles the A head-on. When you write that letter, you need to find a balance between trashing their mom ("your mom broke up your family again" might possibly fall under this heading), and giving her a free pass (not too worried about this one).

They're smart kids, and will understand well enough how trashy what their mom did, even more so if you stick to the facts: she committed adultery, it hurt you terribly, it hurt them terribly, and was in no way any of your faults - it was all her choice and it was wrong.

Say it all, just separate it so you don't clutter up your loving Christmas greetings with the opening of such a painful wound.

Oh, and I have an opinion about the run, too. If you aren't able to verify whether she'll be there and you think there's a reasonable chance she won't, I would go.

If you happen to see her, there or anywhere else, SH recommends being polite, saying hello, etc., not just ignoring the WS. Minimize the amount of time you spend in unavoidable contact, but be your best for the short time that it lasts.

Thanks, Neak, for both responses. I already sent the cards, and did as suggested: wrote a nice, "sorry we can't be together this Christmas" on the cards, and a brief note folded inside the gift card envelope, saying that her mother's choice to not be together this Christmas was not their fault, but was her choice simply to be with a married man instead of her family. Each note was individual, but said essentially the same thing: I was hurt, it was not a reflection on them, and that we would all have to deal with this in our own way.

As for the running, that's helpful, too. This one won't be an issue, as I'll be traveling this New Year's, but unless her renewed smoking habit hasn't taken her off the paths yet, the possibility exists that we could bump into each other in the future.

And now, a cautionary note for everyone who has friends of "both:"

I have learned that someone I've known for nearly 19 years and who has known WW is maintaining contact with her, reporting things I've said to him as a friend. Nothing damaging, mind you, but he also isn't acting like a "friend," but more like an informant.

While this disturbs me and potentially has ramifications on our future friendship, I am now forewarned. And this means I am forearmed. From now on, I will be very circumspect around him, and only mention WW in ways that I know will be vague and non-informative. Plan B requires NO CONTACT, and to me, that also means not revealing information to friends that might get back to her.

As I said, I can use this to my advantage if need be, but I'd just as soon not USE my friend at all. Especially since it seems he may have switched to the other camp.

Ooh! Think of all the misinformation you can pass on to her! This is just like being in the Cold War all over again! *rubs hands together* What kind of setup can we create so they'll get eggs on their faces?

ETA: I'm just kidding, of course. Dark.

Just start dropping analogies around him...

Remember "Rat Fink"? GO on ebay and get him a vintage tee shirt

Analogies? I think I'm missing something.

Is it wrong to think "the friend of my enemy is my enemy?" I'm pretty hurt that my "friend" seems to have taken a side -- her side (how does anyone support someone who cheated on their S and ruined a M?).

Because they're a cheater, too?

I had a friend like that. He was my friend first but then he and WS started going out without me. I didn't mind but recently found out that "friend" didn't think that there is anything wrong with a married man chatting up other women or having strange women on his FB page. So called "friend" subsequently added OW as a friend on FB and went out with the two of them when WS came home last time.
So called "friend" sent me a Christmas card this week. Idiot.

Who needs "friends" like that anyway?

"Friend" actually told me that he once "targeted" married women, but no longer. I guess I'm still ignoring .

He is very much like you describe: He and she are FB friends, and chat w/ one another. In fact, he was the "friend" of mine she told before she told me -- thinking that he would be my "friend" when she dropped the bomb on me. In fact, it seemed like he avoided talking to me for a couple of weeks right after -- when I was in my most pain.

Yeah, who needs friends like that?

Is he married? I'd be telling his wife to keep an eye on him.

Nope. Widowed.

Every day brings something new.

On my way to dinner & a concert with neighbors tonight, I got a call from my lawyer. WW had called to request some additional personal items, and to *demand* that I not speak again with her kids (my step children, who live with their dad).

The first is unbelievable gall. My Plan B letter specifically states that the next time she gets anything from the house, it has to be with a moving van. I relented once to show "good faith" and "accommodation" and left a box outside for her to pick up with a small list of things she requested. I said at the time this was a ONE TIME ONLY exception.

The second is even more galling. But it fills me with some satisfaction, because now the kids know mom is sleeping with a married man and that is why Christmas this year isn't going to be the "traditional" family event.

Apparently she still doesn't know that OMW's attorney has contacted me asking me to share my evidence of the A. Ooooh, things are going to get ugly...

Share your evidence, by any means! Whatever makes it harder on the OM and your WW.

Also--are you and the ex (your WW's ex) on decent terms?

Oh, you bet I will!

That depends on what you mean "decent." We've always been civil with one another (WW and FXH were divorced before I ever met her), but given WW's recent behavior, I now understand why she isn't ever permitted inside his house (or why her only living relatives refuse to have anything to do with her). I've sent him two exposure letters, being more candid with him than anyone else (hey, her kids are involved!) and he has never replied, even though I have invited him to. I even said he could call me just to tell me, "I told you so." No dice.

I think you should ask the ex about whether or not you are allowed to contact the kids. Then abide by his wishes, whatever they are.

And it's probably because he's still a bit pained by your WW's behavior. He doesn't want to hear anymore about her.

"Yeah, I already know she's a skank...I feel sorry for you, dude..."

That's not a bad idea. But in this case, I've merely sent them Christmas cards. Each has a Visa gift card included. And a brief note telling them that it isn't my wish that we're not having Christmas together, it's because their mom chose to spend it with a married man instead. Harmless, no?