The Policy of Joint Agreement DOES NOT apply to an affair! She should not be going to a party with her affair partner PERIOD. There isn't a damn thing to POJA. POJA and RH do not apply in your marriage. They are tactics for recovery, not tactics for ABUSIVE SITUATIONS.

If she is let go, it will be because of her adultery. Many workplaces will not employ cheaters and that is their right. Women CAN BE accountable, UC. We are big girls who take responsibility for our own behavior. Some of us big gurls even drive cars!!

UC, I see you fiddling around, wasting your time with tactics [POJA and RH] that will not help your marriage but not using the tactics that WILL. You are painting the girl's bathroom while the Titanic SINKS. That is cute and winsome and feels fuzzy, but the sink will STILL SINK. Your ship is sinking while you paint the girls bathroom on the C deck.

You have to right the ship FIRST and stop piddling around. You don't have the luxury of doing NOTHING anymore, since there is a child involved. You are the only one your child has anymore and she needs you to stand up for her family.

Will you stand up for her family?

Oh no, your secrecy is what is making things worse. Affairs THRIVE on secrecy so your silence fuels the affair.
And of course they will think BADLY about your wife for having an affair. AS THEY SHOULD. It is bad to have an affair. Most people can judge right from wrong and know this. [except those in our prisons - they can't judge right from wrong and that is right where they belong!] The recognition that adultery is BAD does not make things WORSE.

Your wife is not a child who is not capable of facing the consequences of her actions. If she is a big enough girl drive a car and buy beer she is a big enough to face the consequences of her actions. Don't treat her like she is an imcompetent fool who can't face life.

UC,
You are crazy if you think this has gone on for 1.5 years and not become a full-blown physical affair. You need to mentally prepare yourself for the fact that your wife has slept with another man. The odds are astronomically against you.

Now get mad and stand up for yourself. Women do not respect weak men. Exposing this affair to family, friends, and workplace will make your wife extremely mad, but if you are able to salvage your marriage, then one day, she will understand you fought for her. If you hide this affair, if you sit at home pining while she goes to the holiday party, if you try to bide your time while you finish your degree in 6 months, your wife will be lost to you. She will view you as a doormat.

When I found out about my wife's affair, I did not expose. She ended the affair that day and put herself back into the marriage 100%, but since she experienced no consequences for her actions, she ultimately had another affair about 18 months later.

If you want to save your marriage, the window of opportunity is relatively small. Listen to the wise people here. Do you notice how everyone responding to you is offering the same basic steps?

Thank you so much for all of your knowledge and advice, It is becoming more apparent to me what has to be done and how much this community has already helped me. Now I need to build up the courage to do it. I have always thought of her, and eventhough I may have been a Taker the last couple of years, Our family has been at the root of those decisions.

Since there is so much knowledge here, I would like to clarify some things so you are clued into all the information:

First, the EA escalated to a PA after the first six months, and the first time it happened was at the workplace. She works at a resort with a master key to every room.

Second, I think my issue with telling my family goes beyond their judgements. I think I am afraid to let it all hang out and show everyone that we are not the perfect happy family, and I understand that the truth will come out eventually; but in a less ideal way, like explaining why we are divorcing. I do not want that.

Third, with regards to the holiday party, she continues to make me feel guilty for suggesting that she not go because she "has worked so hard this year and deserves a night to have fun". I asked her why she would be willing to sacrifice my feelings for her pleasure? How do I help her move on from her selfish mindset, and start thinking about me and our child? I think my alternative of me going is fair, but she said that she will not be able to enjoy herself because it would be so akward.

Fourth, I have spoke to the OM, actually it was one of the first things I wanted to do because I wanted to show him how difficult they have made it for me and my child. My child does not deserve this kind of difficulty in their life. I have actually gotten to know the OM because my wife convinced me that they were just friends and that we should become friends too. I was invited to poker night, social gatherings; I even welcomed him into my home to hang out because I knew that it was what my W wanted. My W even asked him to do favors for me, which he did. And whenever my suspicions rose about what was going on, she was so good at lying to me and convincing me. So I left it alone. When I approached him, he was very remorseful and could not look at me. All he could say was sorry.

Why did my wife make it so difficult by involving him in my life? Why did she want, so badly, for me to like him?

How do I expose this to people like my family and her work? Do I tell her that I am going to do it? Do I offer that we do it together? What if I tell her and it makes her so upset that she leaves me? How do I tell people in the most productive way?

Wrong question......the right question would be.....
"Why are YOU letting you life be difficult by ALLOWING this man into YOUR life and YOUR families life???"

"The only needed for evil to prevail is for GOOD men to do NOTHING....".....Edmond Burke

This is YOU....listen VERY carefully to what you have been told to do.....then DO IT

Wow, you are so right. I have never considered that I am responsible for this because I didn't do anything to keep it from happening.

The way you expose this is to make up a list of key exposure targets. Targets should be:

1. her employer - a letter [we will help you with this] sent to the Director of Human Resources, ccing the GM and both their supervisors - this should be sent certified

The rest of the exposures should be via phone call. Make up a list and start calling them. Tell them about the affair, who it is with and that you are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their support and advice. THIS SHOULD ALL BE DONE ON THE SAME DAY in order to get a tsunami effect and to prevent the infidels from pre-empting you.

Targets should be:

1. her parents
2. your parents
3. close friends and sibling
4. OM's parents

Another great exposure tactic is to expose to their FACEBOOK friends with a mass email. This has stopped some affairs COLD.

Of course your wife should not be forewarned. Also, if any of your exposure target misses the point and says "ok, I will keep this a secret!" tell them that SECRECY is the last thing you want. Affairs thrive on secrecy.

Then when you are done with this, I would go have a TALK with the OM and tell him that his affair is doomed and that you will fight for your marriage. He will never be welcomed by the in-laws


If she leaves, you won't be able to tell her anything anyway. She will be FURIOUS and will make huge scary threats and say stupid things like "I was going to work on the marriage, now I'm not," blah blah, blah..... Pay it no mind. Just pat the little gal on the head and say, "Im sorry you are upset, would you like a potato chip?" Then SMILE nicely

Whatever you don't do is allow her to scare you, hit you, or bait you into fight. If she tries to kick you out, tell her sweetly No thank you, punkinpie!

.

Why are you trying to reason with a terrorist? That is ridiculous. Tell her you will not agree to any of this. Part of the problem is that you ALLOW her to manipulate you. If you want to make it, friend, you need to knock that crap off. Appeasement will get you nowhere. Your wife is a terrorist whose selfish interests will destroy your marriage if you don't MAN UP and stop cooperating with someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage.

When is the Christmas party? This may not even be an issue if you expose BEFORE the party. That is what you need to do.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Courage is a DECISION TO ACT. That is all it takes. It is not a feeling, but a DECISION.

Please don't make a critical mistake and waste time hoping/thinking your wayward (or OM) will come to their senses and realize how wrong this is, how hurtful to your family, etc etc. and stop on their own. They DO NOT have your best interests at heart. Waywards are very very very selfish people. As long as you enable the affair and don't establish some bondaries, they will walk all over you and continue the A.

I sent my sister here when I suspected her H of having an A, which was found to be true. He had hoped to keep things status quo at home and continue with his A indefintely. He was in a deep fog. My sister did a nuclear exposure, FB and all. He was very angry for a few days, but the A crumbled and they are working on recovery.

Please listen to the advice you are getting and get your exposure plan together ASAP!

An excellent addition to this letter to HR would be the information that your wife and OM consumated their physical affair in one of the resorts suites.

yep!

UC, keep in mind that as long as your wife's affair goes on, the greater the chance she will get PREGNANT by the OM. By enabling the affair, you contribute to that risk. If her employers know she has been shagging the OM at work, they will watch her like a hawk.

Line up a sitter now and plan to go to that party. Too bad so sad if it makes her "uncomfortable" that you're there where here adultery partner is. That's one of the consequences of adultery. Don't protect her from the consequences of her behavior. DO be her husband and do EVERYTHING you can to break up this affair.

The party is tomorrow, and she is still planning on going without me. I plan on discussing it tonight and just lay it out there that she should not go. It is clear to me that I am enabling her actions by sacrificing my own feelings.

You can't control her. You can't make her not go. You CAN hire a sitter and make sure your nice clothes are cleaned and ironed. Get your butt to that party. Let her be uncomfortable. Adultery generally has uncomfortable repercussions. Why protect her from that?

I would just ask her if she is still planning on going, and then get yourself dressed. She can't MAKE you NOT go just like you can't make her NOT go.

If one of your male friends came to you and told you this story, what would be your opinion of this man???......(I know what most men would think.....)

not2fun