Hello, I am new to marriage builders, It was the result of my quest for answers when I found out that my wife of 4 years has been having an emotional/intimate affair with a coworker for about 1.5 years. It has been about 2 months since she confessed. She clearly wanted to confess because she basically let it all out and the next few days were filled with tears, confusion, and anger.

We are doing better, she still works with this man because our situation does not permit her to quit or relocate. We have a child together and we both want to work on our marriage because there is still love between us. I have been reading as much material from the site and have intigrated it into my actions and discussions.

Recently she approached me regarding her Holiday party. She stated that she could not feel comfortable, or have a good time if I went with her. She works in a very intimate enviroment within her department, but there are about 200 employees. The person she has been intimate with works in the same department, and she thinks that the awkwardness would raise some eyebrows among the other employees in the department. She is affraid that they may become suspicious.

I have been trying to employ The Policy of Joint Agreement to come to an enthusiastic agreement. She cares for my feelings but thinks I should sacrifice by staying home while she goes to the party. I have suggested either both of us going, or neither of us going. She is not in support of either.

We are finding that the options are pretty black and white, and after 4 days of discussion, have gotten nowhere. Are we implimenting the Policy of Joint Agreement properly? Should I let her go alone?

I won't be a problem if you tell her and the OM's boss that they are having an affair. She is still thinking like a cheating wayward if she doesn't understand that you have a problem with her partying with her boyfriend.

The affair is NOT over I am sorry to say. You need to expose it and end it.

She should NOT be in contact and certainly not partying where the OM is.

It is simple and yes very black and white. You need to expose and end this farce.

God Bless,

JL

You are right, the affair is not over and will not be over until the OM is out of the picture. Then we might be able to begin to build our marriage back. I am just afraid that revealing the affair to their boss will mess up her good job and work environment.

If she is let go, we are in a worse situation. She would definitely blame me for it, too.

The affair is definitely her fault. She needs to aggressively relocate. Remember that her affair must have consequences. It makes it so much easier to have another without negative reward.

Does OM have a wife/girlfriend? This person needs to know!

In the meantime, your wife needs to keep a book of the details. More private details may be kept separately - in case you do not wish to know these at this time. You need to know everything in order to protect your marriage from further hazards.

I do not know whether you are in recovery at this stage. When you are get her to post.

No, OM does not have a wife/gf. He clearly has boundary and relationship issues and has been unsuccessful in maintaining a relationship.

She refuses to discuss details, much less write them down. I have definitely expressed the need to know everything, she is unwilling to do so, and I dont want to push the subject too much. She is already feeling smothered, but can she blame me?

I don't know what stage we are in. We have talked and agree that there is still something between us. I am commmitted to be honest, truthful and work out our problems. She has displayed hesitation in breaking all ties with the OM and continues to have selfish thoughts. Case in point, the Holiday party dilemma, which is still unresolved.

Sorry I had a visitor while correcting my post.

Exposure may be the only way that you can change her thought processes. She will be fiercely mad. Exposure has to be done all at one time.

Can you afford the economic consequences?

UC, if your marriage is to survive, either your WW or OM MUST leave that job. Not just the department, but that place of employment. Period. If neither of them leaves, the affair will continue and ultimately kill your marriage.

Clearly your wife is not willing to leave the job and cut contact with OM on her own. So,you must force her hand by exposing to her employer, and let the consequences fall where they may. You will survive her anger, your family will survive any economic hardship that may result. Your marriage and family will NOT survive her ongoing affair.

While you're exposing to her boss, expose to mutual friends and family too, yours and hers. Ask for their support in getting your W to end her affair and leave that job.

I do not know if we can survive the economic consequences. I work p/t while I finish my degree, and I watch our one year old when she is at work. She is the primary source of income. I will be done in 6 mos and am afraid that I may have to suffer until then. But how much more damage will be done in that 6 months?

I guess I have to decide what I am willing to risk.

MacNut: I am afraid to tell anyone about the affair, especially family. I don't want them to think badly of my wife if we remain together. And my family is very judgemental about anything, and they feed off of each others problems. I know what you are saying about exposure, but it seems like it would make things worse.

I have read on here that a marriage can't go forward, and the couple can't truly fix their marriage, until the relationship is over and OP is out of their lives....I think Harley has also said there can NEVER be contact with OP, EVER, if you want your marriage to succeed.

Thank you codtej, I am really trying to convince her of this, but it looks like I have to make the steps to see that it happens. I also need to build up the courage to talk about it and not feel ashamed or embarrased, even though I am.

Hi. I was your wife, except my EA became a full blown PA. My H was working on his PhD and working part time as a GTA. I had the major income, the insurance. But there was no way I could have kept working with the OM. No way.

We got lucky. OM decided teaching wasn't for him after all, and he went back to school. We dodged a bullet. But it was understood that had OM stayed, I would go. She must get away from him.

It sounds like she is still clinging to all those "affair feelings." The holidau party - as others have said - should be non-negatiable. He will be there, so she shouldn't be there. It sounds like she is trying to keep a foot in both doorways.

It tends to be slow here on the weekends, but there are tons of people here who ave been around for a while, and they can guide you through step by step. Listen to what they say, even if it seems to go against what you feel. They know what they are talking about. It works.

I don't know your families but, if you went asking for their help do you not htink they would rest their judgements aside to help you?

I was very concerned about my familys reaction too but I wanted to be honest with them and knew our M had a better chance with them.

You don't need to be ashamed or embarassed - this isn't your doing.

Working with OM has to go for your sanity and to remove your W from the permanent trigger that is preventing the 2 of you getting together properly.

hi there.... i was you about two years ago as far as the telling the family bit. I have about the most judgemental family i know of and when i went to them asking for help and told that what was going on.... yes intially they were pissed (especially since we just had a child 4 weeks b4 i found out) but they put that aside and stepped up to the plate to help. His family well not so much they just told him he was an adult who could make his own choices.... bla bla bla....

at any rate exposure does help i have seen it here. If your wife agrees she may be able to get her company to lay her off so she can get unemployment atleast until she finds a new job. Y'all would atleast have some income. Just an idea

'UC', trust me brother, I was, and am, embarrassed, even though it was HER that cheated. In addition to embarrassed you can throw in humiliated, my self esteem has been kicked in the teeth, anger, etc.

I will follow up on what 'Luri' said, EA into PA...as a male, and knowing how males think, some EA's are just the start and the laying the ground work, for an eventual PA. Guys generally are not just satisfied with the emotional connection, most are going after the 'booty' in time, IMO.

Are you sure there has been nothing physical going on?

I've also learned on here, for some reason it is often the BS that has to do a lot of the initial work, (what do they call it, carrying the weight?). So yes it may seem odd that it is YOU that has to be taking these first steps, but it seems the WS gets into this 'fog' thing and they need to be guided out, so to speak.

You have said several times that your WW cannot leave her job due to financial reasons. Lemme ask you ~ are you prepared for the very real possibility that w/n 6 mos you may not be able to save your M?

ps ~ why do you think she insists on going to this party w/ OM without you?

ETA: nevermind, just saw that you posted about her being worried about uncomfortableness. (I shouldn't try to do two things at once!)

So if that was true, wouldn't she just not attend? You know the A is still ongoing, right?

This is going to be frank talk. She doesn't want you to go because she wants to find a private place and rut around with the OM during the holiday party.

I have yet to find a work place where the collegues would be "uncomfortable" meeting someone's spouse. Why would it be awkward with you there? She was the one having the affair.

I don't want you to think that I am bashing your wife but you must realize all the crying and honesty she shared with you was another stage in the drama of affairs. It was not a positive communication thing really as much as a "will you still be my friend?" thing. assuming you know that then you understand that the affair is progressing. If you don't get her away from that work enviroment you will lose her to the bullcrap.

The fact that she is wanting to party with the OM is when you came here because you see its getting out of control. You are in the right place for solid advice to save the marriage.

Don't for one second feel guilty or ashamed about being here or fighting for your marriage. The pain of infidelity and betrayal is excrutiating. Its like being torn in half and you feel its all your fault. Well its not. So with that said..

Read all the material you can on this site from the Harleys and see what he is about. He is very successful and when you read the stuff you will see why.
Read other threads about what others are going through too. Although you and your wife are unique people, I am sure you will see many simularitys in human behavior that you will be able to deal with.

Listen to the vets here that will ask you a lot of questions and hang tight help is on its way. The people here who have been doing this for awhile have so much insight. Many have been in the same place you find yourself and thier heart will be with you to restore your marriage.

Stay in touch and don't give up hope.

I am so sorry about your marriage.

You will need to be brave though to work a plan to save it.

Read Surviving An Affair a few times and prepare for battle. Loving, compassionate, truly brave battle.

You will need to either go to the holiday party and be glued to her side or she will need to agree not to go and spend the night with you and the child doing something else.

You will need to expose to the workplace.

You will need to expose to others.

Yes, it is no fun. It must be done. YOu must be prepared for her intense angry reaction to her actions being revealed (she never wanted them revealed even from the moment she crossed the line to do it).

She must find another job.

Will your family survive intact if you do not do this battle for it?

You will have two households to fund/deal with eventually if you do not.

You choose the life you have now or uncertainty but possibility for a better one.

It is the pits but you must read, read, read all the MB books and not let your W know your strategies and implement them.

Again, it takes a bravery that comes from your most inner being. You ego/taker must be put aside to do it and the outcome is not guaranteed.

Again, so sorry for you and your child. We all relate to your angst/need for sameness and optimism.

UC, you probably won't have a marriage in 6 months, so I would drop out of school, get a full time job and prepare for divorce. The longer they carry on the affair, the more entrenched it becomes and the more likely your marriage won't make it. You are basically enabling her affair - in every way by keeping her secret and by agreeing for her to continue at this job. I bet she is not even looking for another job, is she? And why would she? She has you at home changing babies diapers while she carries on her affair every day.

The likely reason she doesn't want you at the Christmas party is because she has told someone [maybe her lover?] that she has kicked you to the curb. So you are damn tootin showing up will make him uncomfortable.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to man up here, UC. Expose this affair to everyone, go meet with the OM [MAN TO MAN] and let her know that it is your boundary that she not go see her loverboy at the Christmas Party. If you don't start taking some action here, you are going to lose your marriage. Everyone should know about her affair. EVERYONE.