Must be hard for many of us to process the pain. I know it is for me. Thought I was pulling myself out of my shell finally. But soul-shredding abuse and betrayal can lead you to do and think in self-destructive ways.

Last night, I had a date with a very nice man, but still yearned for love and acceptance from my WH. Had the urge to go over to his new home, where he lives with the OW, and demand he come home again and take care of his family. Instead I drank too much, and for the first time since the separation, drove my car. Stupid of course. Although my driving was safe as far as outward appearances go, I was alone on the street at 1am with a police officer directly behind me, just waiting for me to make a wiggle or go beyond the limit so he could pull me over and give me "the test". I was terrified. At this stage of my depression and during court proceedings for divorce and custody, what being arrested for DUI would have done to me emotionally, financially and legally would have been devastating! I'm already in such a hole, and I would have dug in so much deeper.

After tailing me for about 5 miles on an otherwise deserted road, he finally gave up and passed me by. But it was a wake up call. Since the separation I have been drinking too much, started smoking, dating questionable men, contemplating having sex (haven't yet but sometimes want to do it just because he is), and have lingered in bed all day when he had the kids instead of looking for work, cleaning house, etc. The only part of my life that I've managed to walk the line with is parenting. But if I keep screwing up the rest, the parenting part will tank too.

Today, I declined to go out drinking with a man, and opted to stay in, clean house, and stop ignoring the things I need to prepare for my divorce. I am not wallowing in bed because my husband has cut me off and forced me to apply for food stamps, I am looking for work. And while I will still go out with the dear friends who have been there for me, I won't drink to excess and ONLY go places that are within walking distance.

I'm so glad that police officer didn't pull me over last night and I will NOT let my damaged STBDX continue to damage me as well. All those out there still suffering, please take care. It's far to easy to be entirely self destructive.

Awwwwww.....FP....I'm sorry. It is tough, I know. I spent the summer staying up half the night and sleeping late. Letting my son watch too much tv at times....somehow managing to feed him even when I stopped eating. I lost 25 pounds in a month! I'm back up 15 now which is much healthier for me....but I know how you feel.

Remember the best revenge is living well. And here is another quote I love


"Grief, with his pick, mines the heart. But he is a cunning worker, hollowing out new caverns where hope can dwell, and deepening the channels whereby joy rushes in."

How long since D-Day?

April 23rd (my birthday) he left
July 15th, he decided he didn't want to come home, as planned. I decided we were done.
August 15th, he moved in with OW. I first learned there was an OW and had been for over a year.
August 23rd, I filed for divorce after he cleaned my house out of all valuables, cut my services and moved my kids in with OW during weekend visitations
August 24th, cut kids visitation w/dad to every other weekend.

I'm on the divorce diet too. Look great by the way!

Cleaned house today. Felt good. Staying in tonight for a change and am actually looking forward to some alone time. Baby steps. I thank God that police officer didn't arrest me and I will NEVER put myself in that position again.

Oh my! I am not ahead of you. I'm right there with you though. Well, my divorce is final, but your time line otherwise is similar.

I enjoy the alone time too.

And I'm glad you didn't get pulled over. Valuable lesson learned. Whew.

Ok, I'm off to do some cleaning of my own.