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And for emphasis:
"Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones."
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And, another good read. The 80/20 rule. LINK to 80/20 thread Interesting quote from the movie "Why did I get married?"
In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of
what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in
your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that
you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking
in your relationship that you WANT
And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at
all in your current relationship.
But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good
80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something
better with the other 20% that you WANT
But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with
having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED
and that you already had.
Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. "Wow,
this girl in my office is a real looker. But it's not her Wynona Rider
features that got me. I'm crazy about her because she's also
understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is
not"
Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who will be more
charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have
greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you
and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.
Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have
80% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband
or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let's say your wife is melancholic
by nature.
You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh
no matter what she says: "I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha . . .."
Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling
of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales
representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high
heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiet
type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame
who has the makings of a talk show host.
But wait! That's only 20% of what you don't have.
Don't throw away the 80% that you already have!
That's not all. Add to your spouse's 80% the 100% that represents all
the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have
weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a
couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The
wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.
But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you
already have.
But I'm not just talking about marriage.
I'm talking about life!
About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.
Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks
through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's
missing? "They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in
porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got
personal videos!"
I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your
life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. Do
you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable
in first class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?
The main message???
If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are,
you are first class!
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I like the girlfriends watching TV idea.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I like the girlfriends watching TV idea. Or playing cards ... Or making cookies ... Or doing each other's nails ... Just as long as they are THERE and they look busy.
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Or doing each other's nails ... Sharpening them into claws. Or would that be too obvious?  tl
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Or doing each other's nails ... Sharpening them into claws. Or would that be too obvious? tl LOL! Not too obvious at all...most waynerd's are fairly oblivious so they'd be good and safe I'm sure. 
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Oh my...so much of the quotes Pep put up are perfect. I started to quote them but there is just too much.
See, here is the thing, Scot...my H had an affair but never intended to leave...though he never let the OW know this, that would have killed the "fantasy" she had going and he LIKED the attention he was getting from her. He never intended to be stuck with her for life and that is why he never left and never even considered it....just as your H has never done.
Your H has not left you or your home yet...deep down he sees and knows all of her flaws and doesn't want to be stuck with that for life (I know this to be true from experience).
He is still getting that 80% from you...when he tries to get that from the OW alone, SHE WILL FAIL. And that is what needs to happen. He NEEDS to fall...that is a "side effect" of Plan B.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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See, here is the thing, Scot...my H had an affair but never intended to leave...though he never let the OW know this, that would have killed the "fantasy" she had going and he LIKED the attention he was getting from her. He never intended to be stuck with her for life and that is why he never left and never even considered it....just as your H has never done. I agree. He's leading OW on....and stalling for time.
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He is totally leading the OW on...that is what affairees do to keep the ego stroking going.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Awesome job scotland And you posters who are tutoring her : Hats off!!
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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WOW HEAVY reading first thing in the morning hehehehehe. Thanx to EVERYONE. You guys are GREAT. I told another one of my friends yesterday as I was leaving work. She was in total shock and said that she thought that I was pretty darn strong. She joked and said "He still has all of his "parts" right?" I had to laugh and say "Yes".
When I got home from work yesterday, he was starting dinner again and he had finished some laundry and got the kids to take their showers. I thanked him for all of the help.
He was trying to avoid looking at me and I made sure I kept looking at him with a smile on my face and a glint in my eyes.
He was play fighting with the boys on the living room floor while I was reading HNHN and while he was playing I made sure to put the book down, face up of course so he could read the title, and I laughed and made comments of encouragement to the boys. I made sure to tell them that WH is ticklish under his arms. They jumped right on it and he laughed. They were having so much fun that when it ended, our youngest cried that he wanted daddy to still play.
I consoled him and then a couple of minutes later, I played with them too.
After we were done playing (no crying this time because I explained better that I was OLD and tired hehehehehe), the kids were sitting on the couch with me and WH was playing on the computer. I made sure I praised our youngest in ways that compared him to WH in looks and the way he makes people laugh. I know that WH has always said that he knew he made me happy and got great joy because he could make me laugh.
After the kids went to sleep, I put on a new nighty I had bought that he has never seen before. I showed off for a couple of minutes and then I went to bed. I said good night to him and made sure to rub my hand down his arm and squeeze. He pulled away a bit and grunted. I just smiled and went to bed.
When he came to bed he was in his cocoon again. At 4am, I woke up and decided I would touch him in his sleep. Well he wasn't sleeping. When I laid my hand on him he elbowed it away. I just waited a couple of minutes and then I did it again. He rolled away. I then laid there and he feel asleep. He started having a nightmare and I laid my hand on his back and he calmed down. As soon as I took it away he started making muffled screaming noises so I just kept my hand there until 5 minutes later when he woke up and made an annoyed noise.
This morning when he got up I made sure I said "Have a GREAT day at work" He just grunted and left the room.
I am going to make sure to send him an email today.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Pepper- I am so glad for all of your help. You have added many useful things that make me know that no matter which way this goes, I am doing the best things.
I guess when I am a little down sometimes it is because I want so badly for him to WANT to stay with me and get rid of her but I am afraid that that won't happen. I need someone else to look at my sitch from the outside and let me know what it really is.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Sounds like he's having MAJOR doubts.
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OW has come stuff on her facebook account called ABOUT ME. She answered some questions and it was interesting to me. She said that she doesn't want to get married because she couldn't stand being around someone that long.
She also answered the what is she addicted to as "Sex, internet, shopping ......and some crazy guy ;)" I wanted to hit the screen.
Then it asked if she was crushing on someone and she answered "I wouldn't call it a crush"
GAG.
I am putting no more thought in to her. She is SO not worth it.
That is all of my ranting for today hehehehehe
Thanx everyone
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Bravo yet again! Without the benefit of hindsight, you won't be able to see just how well you're doing, and how well he's responding to you. Trust me, we can see it just fine.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I'm getting a little  about all the cooking and household stuff, though. Something odd is going on in his poor scrambled brain. It won't make a bit of difference to the outcome, it's just strange. Good or bad, he's up to something. Just enjoy it and don't ask too many questions. 
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Lady Scot, you are doing SOOO good in your Plan A. Nightmares huh? Hm, could be his subconcious dealing with him. Yay for you being the calming touch.
You do realize that when you go into Plan B, it will mean NO contact at all (including peeking at HER/ITS FaceBook page? Plan B is about removing yourself from the DRAMA. You don't need it and it will be refreshing to not have to deal with his OR her stuff.
Keep on keepin' on.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I think things are looking good.
I particularly like that he is lying to the OW. This means when they begin their 'life' together he won't be able to hold up his end and there will be some MAJOR LB's on her part.
I hated the way he is becoming a good father and then starts an argument when he wants to go out...as though he wants you to kick him out that night so he has an excuse to stay out all night.
I liked reading's description of how she moved into Plan B. I gave my WH til the weekend to work things out of where he was to live...my Plan B wasn't quite a shock.
I would stop the exposure now...give yourself a few GOOD days of Plan A. Are you sure you are fulfilling HIS most important EN's? His top three?
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
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I'm getting a little about all the cooking and household stuff, though. Something odd is going on in his poor scrambled brain. It won't make a bit of difference to the outcome, it's just strange. Good or bad, he's up to something. Just enjoy it and don't ask too many questions. Actually, this makes perfect sense to me. Just like we give gifts to people that WE like, we do things for people that WE like, thinking they will appreciate it as much as we do. So...he's scrambling to get back his status quo. He thinks if he pacifies her by ramping up the EN meeting on what he she has as an EN, she'll calm down and he can go back to cake eating. Primitive thinking, but very predictable.
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His actions also have a lot to do with guilt...it's especially hard to not feel guilty when your W is being so d*mn good to you and you are being a complete *ss.
It's also a way for him to stay in "good graces" with her, without actually making a commitment to do so.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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