Sounding good ST.

I think the fact that the two of you can talk about d-day is great, be sure to be good to yourselves on that day. Plan something awesome.


:MerryChristmas:

Awww ST....I'm so happy for you and J.

Thanks Vit - we're planning an "awesome" hangover - party is here New Year's Eve!

Thank you broken-soul
I'd better head off to bed now or things may not be quite so good
x

Hi ST,
just stopping by to say :HappyHolidays: :MerryChristmas: and :happynewyear:

Just in case

Thank you lil.

Just had a fantastic email from J's Aunty and Uncle. His mum and his aunt had a big falling out about 15 years ago - I've never met them. When DD was born I sent them a note and a pic and got a reply and I send a xmas card every year.

I heard throught he grapevine that they had a new granddaughter this year - very spookily the name of the babe is exceptionally similar to our DD - an igh sound instead of and ee and an a on the end and their middle names are the same too but diff spelling. J's cousin who he hasn't heard from at least for as long as I've known him is also an only child.

Anyway they were one of 3 people that I sent a xmas card to this year and I just got an email in reply with a youtube link to the little one. I am so chuffed - I really hope to be able to meet them. My 2, love my cousins little one and think of her as their cousin - I'd love them to have a relationship with some of J's family.


Anyway, just needed to share - there is no one else here.
Anyway ... you know me and family

I've reactivated my FB account. Deleted over 100 friends. I missed my MB frineds there. Have also kept a few foreigners on there, ie friends abroad mostly from where we used to work. Very very few locals - 4 incluing J i think. I have removed my sis as it is possible that she may get FOM infiltration through her account.


I could just get email accounts I s'pose, but an old friend from school is going out to Holland in the new year to donate bone marrow to her twin bro who has leukemia and I want to keep up to date with their progress too.

We'll see

Glad you're getting things on track.

Thanks Cat

We had a fab Christmas and I was spoiled. I didn't spoil J so much, but we just do each other a stocking and had discussed that and I kept asking if there was anything he wanted and he didn't come up wiht anything or his hints were far too subtle. The day ran smoothly, the kids were amazing despite DS coming down with flu. Boxing day was lovely too - 12 people here again and cold meat and bubble and squeak and pickles and pork pie.




We had slight uncomfortableness xmas eve when his parents arrived. I underestimate the effect his mother has on me and each time I see her I am let reeling by the negative emotion that builds up in side of me. We idscussed it and I chilled, it upsets J but rrraaaggghh. I showed them the vid of their great niece and they asked whether we could take a still form it. J asked why they didn't get in touch wiht his dad's sister and ask for a photo themslelves, he got the reply "we don't speak to each other, just a card at xmas" WTF?????!!!!!! Anyway - leave the anger ST, simmer, calm, calm.


I've got a foggy fog at the front of my head and I'm feeling uptight.

We've had some not very succesful discussions about money today. I thouht J was in control and that we were saving any extras we earn, but apparently not. He just keeps topping up the current account when it looks like it's running low. I've tried to discuss budgets and he is resistant. He has always said " why don't you sort out that bank acocunts" now I've said i will he says I'ma control freak. This unfortunatley led to me making rude facial gestures (out of frustration)

He's cross because I reactivated my FB account - but couldn't actually say so just huffed and sulked.

A day out tomorrow - just teh 2 of us, going to get some compression undies for mountain biking, I'm hoping we can hit some other shops aswell.

Oh and then tonight aswell he throws in that he doesn't want to get a dog he wants to get the floor done in the rest of the house... how long have we been talking about getting the dog? The kids all ready and waiting. Did he not want the dog before MB? Now he wants o scrap the dog and get the floor.


Please can someone help him communicate and discuss things.

I feel myslef being drawn towards independant behaviour and locking myself away by myself for hours adn doing my own thing. Must keep on track. Must be nice.

I hear you, ST. The holidays for H and me were pretty good, too. But one night, oh boy. We got off kilter and we ran with it -- one heck of a fight. I was stuck in a car with H (who was driving) and couldn't leave or enforce a boundary. Eventually, we worked our way back to civility. But I wasn't proud of how I behaved. So we are not the ones to be giving advice about how to communicate better.

I'm glad you're able to keep it together. I most certainly know it's not easy.

Does J work with you on the MIL stuff? Does he know about your discomfort and does he support you?

ST, reactivating your FB ..... did you do that independently ?

It wasn't intended to be independantly, I didn't even intend to reactivate it. He was in the bedroom catching up on a show on the laptop at the time. I admit it looks like IB... ok, ok it was.




We did a storming row in the car for our day out today - nearly resulted in an accident. It seems sometimes that these guys wait til they have us in the car and there is no escape from their torrent. I did AO back for a bit I confess and then I stopped to think

I am very good at not being defensive these days and taking it on the chin - admitting where I have been wrong. I have learnt how to deal with these torrents much better. We had the row, I was ready to move on, go have a coffee and start some sales shopping and wasn't going to continue to listen to his yelling. SO I let him know what I was going to do and let him know thathe could join me, but he sulked and then called me back. Wanted to discuss things further! So he then went back over all the old ground (complete with DJs but no AOs). I accpeted responsibility where necessary and stated my point of view when it differed. TOld him I was NOT going to beg him to come and have a coffee with me - it was his choice whether he wanted to or not.

I think over all what I have learnt form today is that chocolate does not agree with either of us. Haven't had any of that smelly wind yet though.

You keep that smelly wind over there across the ocean.

okay gettin' back to this FB thing, ST has the conflict between you and J been since this happened?

Someone that has had an A should be very aware of IB, this is a huge, really huge trigger of what led them to an A in the first place.

I wrote about that on my thread (or is L4's thread I'm maybe the cc. lol) cuz that is a huge trigger for me!
It makes me feel like my H has tried ..... for awhile, maybe long enough for me to feel better, then bam he wants to do what he wants to do.
The message that I get is that his efforts are not sincere.

Might J feel this way?

I think you owe J an apology, especially cuz this was FB.

Another question would be, why did you do this as a IB?
Did you think that J would not agree to it, even with the limited family as friends?
Was this done to avoid trouble?

Let me know please if I'm sounding bossy, I'm getting the feeling that I'm coming across that way lately, or maybe always, and I don't want to, so I need to fix that if I do.

Just catching up after my Christmas break ST.

You're clearly having good days and bad days which is par for the course in recovery, especially in the build up to the antiversary.

I was particularly sensitive to every little thing that BB said and did in the weeks and days leading up to our D-Day antiversary.

I was waiting and watching for any little negative thing he may have said ready to latch onto it as a sign that he didn't love me enough, didn't want to be with me, wasn't putting enough effort into recovery or preferred her. Did I mention that I was over-sensitive at the time.

It's just a sensitive time for us BS's and the FWS needs to be super vigilant about being loving, supportive and kind and not showing ANY of the behaviour that led to the A. HUGE TRIGGER if that happens ST.

What do you think may be one of the worst behaviours a FWS could show at this time ST?

I think it might be IB. For me anyway.

Your FB reactivation could not have been done at a worse time although I do appreciate you've it and deleted many friends etc. It really should have been POJA'd with J. I'm stating the obvious aren't I because I think you know that now don't you?

Anyways, us BS's and FWS's make a mess of things at times in recovery. We learn from our mistakes, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and move on. Resilience is important and underestimated.

Both BB and I have made schoolboy/girl errors in our recovery but we can laugh about them now or look back at them and understand that we've learned something really valuable from them.

Lots of love to you and J. You're doing good and experiencing the normal "opportunities to grow" that all of us in recovering M's experience.

I HATE Face Book...

And My Space, too.

Keep in mind that I am anything but a technophobe. My first version of DOS was 1.12b. I used CPM, TI BASIC, Radio Shack BASIC (Level I and II) and MIT BASIC; I wrote programs in BASIC, FORTH and C. My first computer had to be assembled with a soldering iron. I used Usenet before there was an Internet and before that I used BBS services. My first modem was a blazing 150 baud.

FB and MS are the new chat rooms. They are designed to be real life meeting places in cyberspace. Because people can't normally actually see each other they think they are safe. They let down their guard.

They allow their boundaries to be relaxed.

And ST, ALL IB is a love buster. It withdraws from the Love Bank and drops J from Intimacy or nearly so into Conflict. His Giver steps aside and his Taker appears as if by magic. His Giver doesn't have AOs or DJs, only his Taker does those things. They are the way our Taker tries to get what we want and throws up barriers to emotional connection to protect us.

Consider that a

Good morning Stay,

Hope you got some aspirin. Thanks Mark for the reminders of how dangerous those two places can be.

Don't have much to offer, just wanted to stop in the neighborhood and say hi, Happy New Year and give you a HUGE HUG...

No, things began to get a little touchy with the arrival of MIL.

I know and he only just a few weeks highlighted to me in his email that IB was by far his biggest trigger. Not just an LB but a TRIGGER.


They are sinccere. It's just a slip up. An error. I didn't intend to reactivate it when I went on, just get some contacts off.

Yes

I did, after a snidey DJ about his own FB use. Oops. And then I did properly.

I didn't think it would bother him in the slightest. I didn't look to avoid trouble, i honestly didn;t think there would be any. Had I thought there would havebeen trouble I would have discussed it.


No bossiness detected at all. It is nice to recieve very clear opinions (I like hazy ones too)

I can remeber reading on another thread that although we may not be conscious o dates we can be unconsciously triggered and be foul without realising why and then making the possible connection afterwards.



I will try to tread more soflty and be considerate. Maybe I am getting complacent a bit, or maybe it's with the overowrk at Christams and being so nice to all the family and things and now I just want to escape. Can't do it can I?


I understand. I do like my time alone - I relaise that this needn't be IB though.


I notice how glaringly obvious thiese mistakes are when you look back on them.



Nicely phrased Sere. Yes, butin the next few weeks I'll try to avoid those growing opportunities

It's been ages since I had one of those!

I can see the impact my IB had there. Although something had been brewing anyway.